It has been a miserable failing summer in the realm of health and weight loss for me. I have done some SERIOUS damage to the efforts of the last year. And it is sad and disheartening how much much easier it is to put weight on than it is to take it off, and over the course of the last few months (because it actually started before summer) I have taken my 50+ pound weight lost and mangled it down to 30-ish (less then 30 as of this morning by about a pound, but that could change from one good day.)
The vicious cycle of self-disappointment and emotional eating is a hard one to overcome. Any "knots" I tied to stop the "bleeding" quickly became unraveled, and ounce by ounce my weight has been creeping up the wrong direction.
The emotional eating is a HUGE issue, and the fact the stress and disappointment is running RAMPANT in life right now doesn't help. I had a horribly clear visual of the issue of emotional eating in my life on the way home from a particularly bad day at work last week. I was belting back a box of junior mints like a bottle of whiskey as I drove away from my (precarious) job in a bundle of frustration and anger. It smacked me right in the face, food for comfort and emotional management is not really any better than taking a swig on an actual bottle of booze or even taking a hit off a joint or snorting something right up my nose.
Is it more acceptable? Yes. Is it legal? Yes. But the emotion behind it is not very different at all. OUCH.
Outside of my immediate - hubby and children - family situation, stress it pounding on every front. There's nowhere I really find myself content other than at home. And the reality is all the hurts, frustrations and problems pound at my front door, and late night snacks and poor food choices call out to me for a moment of relief. It's ugly. It makes ME feel ugly.
So I have worked myself back to not fitting in my clothes, hating to stand on the scale and feeling like I am falling into the pit. Added to that the pain in my shoulder and now a knee that keeps hyper extending on me and lots of tight and painful muscles being roadblocks, now added to the heat from hell September we've suddenly stumbled upon, exercise too has been limited. Even the pool hours I put in over the summer (not nearly as many as I'd hoped) cannot counter what's been going down, plus one good pool day usually led to three or four painful shoulder days after. Sigh.
So tomorrow starts yet another attempt to do SOMETHING about my weight. I am not in the right mindset to manage low-carb living right now. (Though this next challenge will make it clear if anything else can even be successful.)
I am taking part in a 60 Day Body Mind Spirit challenge with three other team members that is hosted by the blogger over on http://www.funkyvintagelovely.com/. A friend of mine who had some really good results with the last 60 Day BMS challenge suggested it to me. Her take was that I would thrive in the biundaries of it - of which there are many - food lists (noes and goes) and exercise requirements, spiritual adds (because the bottom line is this is more a spiritual issue for me than a physical one) and even extra credit opportunities. Counting my points (I am an accounting girl you know) and keeping and giving myself credit for my efforts, there's even an opportunity for rewards. Bottom line, the rule follower in me will have lots and lots of rules to occupy her time. I hope my girlfriend is right.
So tomorrow morning I begin, and I pray I can get moving the right direction again.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
My own personal eating disorder.
40 is the new 50.
40 is the new 50? That doesn't sound good at all, does it?
No, it doesn't, and it isn't... especially because I'm not talking age here, I'm talking weight loss. Or in reality, I'm talking weight gain. My 50+ lb weight loss has gone to pot. At it's best it was actually about 56 lbs. I am not not even actually at 40, I'm at 38.2. My weight has ballooned back up to 208 lbs.
208 - that's 8 lbs above the 200 I promised myself I would never cross again.
No excuses, but here are mine:
(1) My shoulder/arm have been troubling me for over 6 months. Working out is difficult and even downright painful at times and usually causes pain for days after. Even walking (and definitely running) jars my shoulder enough that it hurts and aches, much less anything that actually involves moving my arm.
(2) Low-carb get complicated. It means not being able to eat the same meal as my family, it gets boring after a while, and it requires a determination I seem to have lost, despite the fact that I feel so much better when I eat that way.
(3) I am in a spiritual funk/ struggle that is overflowing into my physical and mental well-being. I'm not on point, there is a part of me that doesn't even give a shit (yes, I said it) and it's a battle you cannot find if your heart isn't in it.
The reality is, my "Fight to Lose" is not even a physical issue, my weight problems and struggles with food are all about my head and my heart, not about my body. It's some sort of jacked up personalized eating disorder that has no name, I am sure of it.
I find myself 10 o'clock at night, not hungry but bore. I get a craving-- not even necessarily for anything specific, but a craving, and I'll be on the hunt. Oreos in the pantry... no, truth be told they're not even in the pantry, the kids might find them then, they're hidden up in some personal private stash (that my kids totally know about by the way but wouldn't dare raid) and I'll grab a glass of milk and 2 Oreos... and then I'll grab two more. I'll sit my butt on the couch, eat the 4 Oreos and when there is still half a glass of milk left, I'll go back and grab 4 more. The whole time there is a tiny voice of reason whispering "Don't do it," from the beginning, but I don't just ignore it, I don't even stop at resisting it, I DEFY it. I hear myself say (and sometimes actually utter it out loud) "I'll do it if I want to." And I do... even though in my heart of hearts, I really don't want to.
(Enter Romans chapter 7 lesson here.)
It's not just the Oreos at night, it's the Raspberry Milano cookies at my mom's house too. A long swim with the kids and I think, "I earned ONE." But by the time I leave it's been 4 or 5. My "reward." My REWARD??? What the heck am I doing to myself? I don't know, and I don't know why I don't stop, but if I take one of anything, it's like I open a floodgate and I just keep going. Another helping of potatoes, one more piece of chicken, another handful or ten of the candied walnuts I made for the salad....
In my mind I quietly promise myself I will get on track the next day. "Today is shot," I say, "tomorrow I'll do better."
I wake up in the morning and my first thought is about my weight. "Damn you, Diana!" I say. And I wake up feeling what I can only imagine is similar to what a relapsed alcoholic must feel like the morning after a binge. I go into my bathroom and strip off every ounce of clothing and beg God for mercy as I step on the scale. On the days it has gone down a little I slip myself a secret pass with "you're not doing so bad" and sometime later in the day I will "reward" myself with another cookie or treat that will open a floodgate of trouble and struggle. If my weight is up (which is more often) I feel the wave of self-hatred come over me, and bitterly wonder why God won't just free me of this addiction. Why do I have to do the work?
I would love to be thin, have a hard body, always look great in my clothes, but at the end of the day, I'm never going to be a marathon runner, or a P90X graduate or an Insanity enthusiast, and if I am honest, my real dream is just to be victorious over my food issues, and not constantly feel the stronghold of fighting to make decent healthy choices. I just want to be able to be NOT FAT and not fighting food.
I tried "tying the knot" at 199 lbs, and I'm up another 9. Self-determination didn't work.
Today a friend texted me just as I was standing in front of my refrigerator fighting the war between grabbing a fresh peach and grabbing the more desirable peanut butter chocolate PopTart (and yes, I would eat both pastries in the package.) "I'm praying for you," she said. She's been battling her weight too, and we've been talking about slipping the wrong direction. Her text was timely and the Lord's encouragement, I grabbed the peach to bring with me to work. I would wait to eat it until ACTUAL hunger struck (not eat based on a clock or a habit, but because my body was actually looking for fuel.)
Our conversation continued and we're going to work some accountability into the picture for us both. For me, that means keeping a food log. I had to keep a time log recently for a project and it really made me more responsible with my time. I am hoping this will make me think twice about my eating (today is going fairly well so far.)
I'm going to take it one step at a time. I am going to take on the spiritual battle and the mental battle and pray my body experiences the benefits. Accountability is in place with my friend (and this blog if anyone is reading it too, I suppose). I am going to try to wait and watch for TRUE HUNGER, and watch my portion control. I am going to TRY to stop buying so much crap and having it in the house (actually having to battle the thought in my mind right now of "getting rid of it" by eating it all today... it's sick.) And going to try to continue to cook daily for my family (another goal altogether) and manage my eating with less sugars and carbs (but not necessarily low/no carb) and smaller portions as well as eating at better times of day, etc. I miss exercising, so I will continue to try to include what I can, at least walking most days if nothing else.
This Fight to Lose is one heck or a battle, and I have been losing (by gaining weight to be specific) so I hope I'm headed for a turnaround. God help me... Sincerely, GOD help me. I need it.
40 is the new 50? That doesn't sound good at all, does it?
No, it doesn't, and it isn't... especially because I'm not talking age here, I'm talking weight loss. Or in reality, I'm talking weight gain. My 50+ lb weight loss has gone to pot. At it's best it was actually about 56 lbs. I am not not even actually at 40, I'm at 38.2. My weight has ballooned back up to 208 lbs.
208 - that's 8 lbs above the 200 I promised myself I would never cross again.
No excuses, but here are mine:
(1) My shoulder/arm have been troubling me for over 6 months. Working out is difficult and even downright painful at times and usually causes pain for days after. Even walking (and definitely running) jars my shoulder enough that it hurts and aches, much less anything that actually involves moving my arm.
(2) Low-carb get complicated. It means not being able to eat the same meal as my family, it gets boring after a while, and it requires a determination I seem to have lost, despite the fact that I feel so much better when I eat that way.
(3) I am in a spiritual funk/ struggle that is overflowing into my physical and mental well-being. I'm not on point, there is a part of me that doesn't even give a shit (yes, I said it) and it's a battle you cannot find if your heart isn't in it.
The reality is, my "Fight to Lose" is not even a physical issue, my weight problems and struggles with food are all about my head and my heart, not about my body. It's some sort of jacked up personalized eating disorder that has no name, I am sure of it.
I find myself 10 o'clock at night, not hungry but bore. I get a craving-- not even necessarily for anything specific, but a craving, and I'll be on the hunt. Oreos in the pantry... no, truth be told they're not even in the pantry, the kids might find them then, they're hidden up in some personal private stash (that my kids totally know about by the way but wouldn't dare raid) and I'll grab a glass of milk and 2 Oreos... and then I'll grab two more. I'll sit my butt on the couch, eat the 4 Oreos and when there is still half a glass of milk left, I'll go back and grab 4 more. The whole time there is a tiny voice of reason whispering "Don't do it," from the beginning, but I don't just ignore it, I don't even stop at resisting it, I DEFY it. I hear myself say (and sometimes actually utter it out loud) "I'll do it if I want to." And I do... even though in my heart of hearts, I really don't want to.
(Enter Romans chapter 7 lesson here.)
It's not just the Oreos at night, it's the Raspberry Milano cookies at my mom's house too. A long swim with the kids and I think, "I earned ONE." But by the time I leave it's been 4 or 5. My "reward." My REWARD??? What the heck am I doing to myself? I don't know, and I don't know why I don't stop, but if I take one of anything, it's like I open a floodgate and I just keep going. Another helping of potatoes, one more piece of chicken, another handful or ten of the candied walnuts I made for the salad....
In my mind I quietly promise myself I will get on track the next day. "Today is shot," I say, "tomorrow I'll do better."
I wake up in the morning and my first thought is about my weight. "Damn you, Diana!" I say. And I wake up feeling what I can only imagine is similar to what a relapsed alcoholic must feel like the morning after a binge. I go into my bathroom and strip off every ounce of clothing and beg God for mercy as I step on the scale. On the days it has gone down a little I slip myself a secret pass with "you're not doing so bad" and sometime later in the day I will "reward" myself with another cookie or treat that will open a floodgate of trouble and struggle. If my weight is up (which is more often) I feel the wave of self-hatred come over me, and bitterly wonder why God won't just free me of this addiction. Why do I have to do the work?
I would love to be thin, have a hard body, always look great in my clothes, but at the end of the day, I'm never going to be a marathon runner, or a P90X graduate or an Insanity enthusiast, and if I am honest, my real dream is just to be victorious over my food issues, and not constantly feel the stronghold of fighting to make decent healthy choices. I just want to be able to be NOT FAT and not fighting food.
I tried "tying the knot" at 199 lbs, and I'm up another 9. Self-determination didn't work.
Today a friend texted me just as I was standing in front of my refrigerator fighting the war between grabbing a fresh peach and grabbing the more desirable peanut butter chocolate PopTart (and yes, I would eat both pastries in the package.) "I'm praying for you," she said. She's been battling her weight too, and we've been talking about slipping the wrong direction. Her text was timely and the Lord's encouragement, I grabbed the peach to bring with me to work. I would wait to eat it until ACTUAL hunger struck (not eat based on a clock or a habit, but because my body was actually looking for fuel.)
Our conversation continued and we're going to work some accountability into the picture for us both. For me, that means keeping a food log. I had to keep a time log recently for a project and it really made me more responsible with my time. I am hoping this will make me think twice about my eating (today is going fairly well so far.)
I'm going to take it one step at a time. I am going to take on the spiritual battle and the mental battle and pray my body experiences the benefits. Accountability is in place with my friend (and this blog if anyone is reading it too, I suppose). I am going to try to wait and watch for TRUE HUNGER, and watch my portion control. I am going to TRY to stop buying so much crap and having it in the house (actually having to battle the thought in my mind right now of "getting rid of it" by eating it all today... it's sick.) And going to try to continue to cook daily for my family (another goal altogether) and manage my eating with less sugars and carbs (but not necessarily low/no carb) and smaller portions as well as eating at better times of day, etc. I miss exercising, so I will continue to try to include what I can, at least walking most days if nothing else.
This Fight to Lose is one heck or a battle, and I have been losing (by gaining weight to be specific) so I hope I'm headed for a turnaround. God help me... Sincerely, GOD help me. I need it.
Friday, June 14, 2013
The Diet Killer
Not Low-carb but so delicious.
Ingredients:
2 Rome Apples
2 cans of crescent rolls
Cup of butter or margarine
Cup of white sugar
2 tbs vanilla bean ice cream
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup Cinnamon & sugar mixture (1:3 parts)
1/2 cup Mt. Dew
2 Rome Apples
2 cans of crescent rolls
Cup of butter or margarine
Cup of white sugar
2 tbs vanilla bean ice cream
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup Cinnamon & sugar mixture (1:3 parts)
1/2 cup Mt. Dew
Directions:
Preheat oven to 350
Butter 13 x 9 glass pan
Core & peel apples cut each into 8 pcs
Wrap each slice in a crescent roll, place in pan
Melt 1 cup butter
Add 1 cup white sugar stir slightly
Turn off heat
Wait minute add 2 tbs ice cream, stir
Add 1/2 cup of brown sugar stir till dissolved, pour mixture over crescent rolls with apples.
Pour Mt. Dew around edges of pan.
Sprinkle cinnamon/ sugar mixture over top.
Bake for 40 minutes.
Serves great with Vanilla ice cream.
Preheat oven to 350
Butter 13 x 9 glass pan
Core & peel apples cut each into 8 pcs
Wrap each slice in a crescent roll, place in pan
Melt 1 cup butter
Add 1 cup white sugar stir slightly
Turn off heat
Wait minute add 2 tbs ice cream, stir
Add 1/2 cup of brown sugar stir till dissolved, pour mixture over crescent rolls with apples.
Pour Mt. Dew around edges of pan.
Sprinkle cinnamon/ sugar mixture over top.
Bake for 40 minutes.
Serves great with Vanilla ice cream.
Total diet killer, but what a way to go!
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Tying a knot
A rope ends wherever you tie the know (in my pretty little head anyway.) and I am tying my knot in the diet rope right here and now.
When to put on a pair of sweats for a late night walk and being tied from the last time I wore them, they were tight. T.I.G.H.T. I headed into my bathroom, grabbed my tape measure and the news was undeniable, I have put a couple INCHES back on!
I knew my clothes felt a little tight, and I felt myself gravitating toward a few of my larger items. I stood right at the top of that slippery slope. I have been here before and tumbled horribly! And I refuse to slip any farther than I already have.
So, no more I'll start Monday... next week... etc. I am back in the saddle post haste.
Goodbye carbs. I cannot afford to play with you, I must bid you farewell.
The knot is ties and I am climbing back up the rope toward my goals. I pray the damage is undone quickly and I intend to seek the Lord and His strength to make the right choice. I don't ever want to be trapped inside that fat girl again!
When to put on a pair of sweats for a late night walk and being tied from the last time I wore them, they were tight. T.I.G.H.T. I headed into my bathroom, grabbed my tape measure and the news was undeniable, I have put a couple INCHES back on!
I knew my clothes felt a little tight, and I felt myself gravitating toward a few of my larger items. I stood right at the top of that slippery slope. I have been here before and tumbled horribly! And I refuse to slip any farther than I already have.
So, no more I'll start Monday... next week... etc. I am back in the saddle post haste.
Goodbye carbs. I cannot afford to play with you, I must bid you farewell.
The knot is ties and I am climbing back up the rope toward my goals. I pray the damage is undone quickly and I intend to seek the Lord and His strength to make the right choice. I don't ever want to be trapped inside that fat girl again!
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
The hardest part
Sigh.
I am hopeless and pitiful, and at the bottom end of "The Fight to Lose" once again.
In the beginning of April I made a commitment to stick to a strict regimen for two months. After (my own personal) March Madness I had put some weight back on and I needed to get it off as well as continue to work toward my goal. I made a good effort throughout the month of April, and got back down close to where I was before March. Then May hit and I stumbled again. And in the first three weeks of the month I have fallen back down worse than where I was at the beginning of April!
This is how I gained 50 lbs in two years - and here I am facing my weakness and inadequacy right in the face again, back up over a number I swore I never would be. Failure.
Well, I suppose it's only failure if I continue on the path. But I am having a hard time NOT continuing down it.
For the last few days I have been trying to be "good" in the non-"low-carb" sense just counting calories, but the scale continues to creep up. I've also noticed that I FEEL like HELL! Achy, tired, stiff.
My shoulder pain has been at the core of my issues. I haven't been able to work out because of my shoulder. When I can't work out I get discouraged and it gets hard to stick to the diet, then when I stumble in the diet I slip down the slippery slope and the weight comes on.
I've been in a lot of pain for the last few days, but I noticed today that it's a different ache, and it's not just in my shoulder (though it hurts too) - but it's in my joints, especially my elbows and my knees. And so today it occurs to me, I think the source of it is the carbs I've been eating. I think the aches and pains are my body reminding me that I need to eat low-carb because of my body, not to lose weight, but to live healthy.
I wish I could hold onto a sensory memory of how I feel right now - tired, a headache, aches in my elbows, knees, neck and BOTH shoulders so that when I am tempted to indulge in simple sugars (both refined AND natural) I would remember it's not worth it! (That's why I'm blogging, so I can look back at this and remind myself.)
I'm going to be honest, I'm still not mentally and emotionally committed to getting back on the horse. I'm looking toward a week of dinner plans and I don't want to be bound by the low-carb lifestyle. It's not easy all the time. BUT...
It's what is healthy for me to keep my insulin resistance in check and to feel strong and energized. It's the only way for me to lose OR keep off weight.
The hardest part about the fight to lose (and keep it off) isn't fought in the physical, it's in the emotional and spiritual that the battle is won or lost. And the body willfully follows right after the mind and spirit.
I've got to find my "want to," again, and it has to stand up stronger than all the things working against it, sore shoulder and all.
I am hopeless and pitiful, and at the bottom end of "The Fight to Lose" once again.
In the beginning of April I made a commitment to stick to a strict regimen for two months. After (my own personal) March Madness I had put some weight back on and I needed to get it off as well as continue to work toward my goal. I made a good effort throughout the month of April, and got back down close to where I was before March. Then May hit and I stumbled again. And in the first three weeks of the month I have fallen back down worse than where I was at the beginning of April!
This is how I gained 50 lbs in two years - and here I am facing my weakness and inadequacy right in the face again, back up over a number I swore I never would be. Failure.
Well, I suppose it's only failure if I continue on the path. But I am having a hard time NOT continuing down it.
For the last few days I have been trying to be "good" in the non-"low-carb" sense just counting calories, but the scale continues to creep up. I've also noticed that I FEEL like HELL! Achy, tired, stiff.
My shoulder pain has been at the core of my issues. I haven't been able to work out because of my shoulder. When I can't work out I get discouraged and it gets hard to stick to the diet, then when I stumble in the diet I slip down the slippery slope and the weight comes on.
I've been in a lot of pain for the last few days, but I noticed today that it's a different ache, and it's not just in my shoulder (though it hurts too) - but it's in my joints, especially my elbows and my knees. And so today it occurs to me, I think the source of it is the carbs I've been eating. I think the aches and pains are my body reminding me that I need to eat low-carb because of my body, not to lose weight, but to live healthy.
I wish I could hold onto a sensory memory of how I feel right now - tired, a headache, aches in my elbows, knees, neck and BOTH shoulders so that when I am tempted to indulge in simple sugars (both refined AND natural) I would remember it's not worth it! (That's why I'm blogging, so I can look back at this and remind myself.)
I'm going to be honest, I'm still not mentally and emotionally committed to getting back on the horse. I'm looking toward a week of dinner plans and I don't want to be bound by the low-carb lifestyle. It's not easy all the time. BUT...
It's what is healthy for me to keep my insulin resistance in check and to feel strong and energized. It's the only way for me to lose OR keep off weight.
The hardest part about the fight to lose (and keep it off) isn't fought in the physical, it's in the emotional and spiritual that the battle is won or lost. And the body willfully follows right after the mind and spirit.
I've got to find my "want to," again, and it has to stand up stronger than all the things working against it, sore shoulder and all.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
A losing battle
I don't even know what to name this post. "Stalled" is appropriate, but it's been used. Stumbled may be a better option.
My determination for 60 days of strict diet and daily exercise has gone completely by the way side. I made it a full month before I blew the diet aspect, but the exercise has fallen apart over and over again. My shoulder has been a part of that problem, along with a full schedule and a little lack of desire. I've just lost a little of my drive.
Last week I threw my hands up in the air and after 30 days of being strict to the diet I cheated and I cheated big, and then I cheated repeatedly. My will and intention was "just a couple days" but I ended up putting back on 3 of the 9 pounds I lost over the 30 days. There is something about the "taking a break mentality" that leads to sort of a drunken sailor on a three day pass result. I don't just enjoy a few things but I eat like there's no tomorrow, and like if I don't eat it now it will never be there to be eaten again. It's the sick root that has created two decades of struggle with food.
Even looking at the scale and suffering the "above 190" blues doesn't stop me. It's like unleashing a beast, and it's the battle that has been driving me crazy for years.
I am frustrated that I couldn't even get through my 60 days. Chalk up another failure. And I am frustrated that I still really don't want to stick to the low carb effort. Sometimes it just gets old and hard, even though it honestly is the best option for my body. Just today I don't have the drive.
Tomorrow is my anniversary, and it's a Mother's Day weekend as well - I just want to enjoy a couple treats without guilt. Food and celebration, another battle.
I am stuck. Today I ordered a supplement. I don't know if it's wise or foolish, but I just feel like I need to shake things up somehow. I don't know if I'm on the diet or if I'm not. I am frustrated.
I've lost 53 lbs which is only about 2/3 of the way to my original goal. But I am seriously wondering if I can EVER even reach my goal without the luxury of a full time opportunity to do so ala Biggest Loser. Which by the way, I am no longer heavy enough for. But I feel like a different kind of big loser in my failure to get anywhere near my goals.
I don't know what to do. Today I don't have the will or the drive to be "low-carb." And today my shoulder is still interfering with my exercise. I think I'm going to start walking again? My knees hurt to, I don't know what to do.
I think today is just a really bad day. This is why this blog is titled what it is - "The Fight to Lose," because it is without a doubt a FIGHT - and today it feels like a losing battle! (There it is, the title for this post...)
My determination for 60 days of strict diet and daily exercise has gone completely by the way side. I made it a full month before I blew the diet aspect, but the exercise has fallen apart over and over again. My shoulder has been a part of that problem, along with a full schedule and a little lack of desire. I've just lost a little of my drive.
Last week I threw my hands up in the air and after 30 days of being strict to the diet I cheated and I cheated big, and then I cheated repeatedly. My will and intention was "just a couple days" but I ended up putting back on 3 of the 9 pounds I lost over the 30 days. There is something about the "taking a break mentality" that leads to sort of a drunken sailor on a three day pass result. I don't just enjoy a few things but I eat like there's no tomorrow, and like if I don't eat it now it will never be there to be eaten again. It's the sick root that has created two decades of struggle with food.
Even looking at the scale and suffering the "above 190" blues doesn't stop me. It's like unleashing a beast, and it's the battle that has been driving me crazy for years.
I am frustrated that I couldn't even get through my 60 days. Chalk up another failure. And I am frustrated that I still really don't want to stick to the low carb effort. Sometimes it just gets old and hard, even though it honestly is the best option for my body. Just today I don't have the drive.
Tomorrow is my anniversary, and it's a Mother's Day weekend as well - I just want to enjoy a couple treats without guilt. Food and celebration, another battle.
I am stuck. Today I ordered a supplement. I don't know if it's wise or foolish, but I just feel like I need to shake things up somehow. I don't know if I'm on the diet or if I'm not. I am frustrated.
I've lost 53 lbs which is only about 2/3 of the way to my original goal. But I am seriously wondering if I can EVER even reach my goal without the luxury of a full time opportunity to do so ala Biggest Loser. Which by the way, I am no longer heavy enough for. But I feel like a different kind of big loser in my failure to get anywhere near my goals.
I don't know what to do. Today I don't have the will or the drive to be "low-carb." And today my shoulder is still interfering with my exercise. I think I'm going to start walking again? My knees hurt to, I don't know what to do.
I think today is just a really bad day. This is why this blog is titled what it is - "The Fight to Lose," because it is without a doubt a FIGHT - and today it feels like a losing battle! (There it is, the title for this post...)
Monday, April 22, 2013
Days 18-21 Pressing on
I feel compelled to note that although yesterday was day 21 of this particular short term concerted weight loss effort, it is actually day 307 from the beginning of this whole process this time.
Saturday morning was a busy one, lots to do from first thing that day. I have reestablished my priority to be in God's Word every morning first thing, as well as trying to spend my first few moments of the day speaking to Him. So I did those most important things and when I actually got up and moving, it wasn't till I had eaten breakfast and was running out the door that I realized I forgot to weigh myself. That's unusual because I am typically so faithful about it. I remember being really surprised.
Saturday was a busy family celebration day and I had an important commitment in the evening. I wasn't even home until almost 10 o'clock, and I was tired. So all I had the energy or desire for was 10-15 minutes of yoga stretching. I was going to let it count, figuring I could get back to business on Sunday. But I didn't.
Sunday morning I forgot to weight myself AGAIN! I was so surprised how it just seemed to slip my mind. In a way, not obsessing about the scale is a good thing, and sort of a victory -- so long as I didn't gain any weight. But how could I know? But it was a busy day of church and errands, and I was tired. By evening time a last minute grocery store run was required and I never was able to work a workout in to my schedule. Truth be told, I am waiting to do anything with great exertion until my knee bands are delivered tomorrow, but a good walk would have been nice - it just got to be too late.
This is a good and bad place for me to be. Not obsessing about my weight and exercise is healthy, as long as I remain faithful. The days of not doing it have the potential to become weeks, months and full blown backslide into my old ways. That didn't happen, I was good with my eating, even at a big family celebration, but the potential is there.
I was relieved when I got on the scale this morning that things had moved in the right direction, but only. .2 pounds lower than they were last Thursday, that might be caused by a good burp. (wink) But it was almost a pound lower than Friday, so the bouncing rubber ball picture popped back in my head... Eventually the two steps forward will overpower all the single steps back, IJN. The important thing is I have been in the word and prayer daily... Glad I'm not cutting my carbs there and once again feasting on the Bread of Life. :)
Weight: 191.4 today.
Feeling: My shoulder and now my knee are a stumbling block, but they haven't stopped me yet. My shoulder is seriously a mystery, really good days, really rough days, but the pain moves about and manifests in so many different ways. Yesterday the "mechanism" of my shoulder and the joint felt great, but my upper arm ached really bad. Interestingly I have discovered that "resting" on the couch or even in my hubby's recliner causes great pain, so even though it is hindering my exercise in some ways, it hinders becoming a couch potato even more. I'm getting some knee straps in the mail tomorrow. I am hopeful it will help with the "loose" knee on my right side and protect the knee on my left from following suit.
Eating: I'm doing "OK." I move in and out of ketosis, I can tell, never really getting to the dark purple that I'd like to be in. I think it's why the loss is so slow, but I am moving toward the "lifestyle" of low carb, I suppose, it will all work out in the end. It was a family celebration weekend and I did good resisting. I took a couple nibbles of goodies and did great on entree. Yay me. Yesterday I overcame a hard core craving for some frozen yogurt covered in candy with a yummy low carb (my invention) alternative. SO I am pleased with that choice.
Moving: Friday night we were out late and I had to fit my exercise in just under the wire going on a long walk not long before midnight. Honestly it was the draw to a "prayer walk" that got me out there as much as it was keeping my commitment to exercise daily. Saturday all I did was a little stretching after a long busy day as I mentioned and Sunday was a "fail" on working out, but today hopefully will be back on the horse... or rather, moving on my own in front of him.
Thoughts: Having just over 25 pounds to go, about a third of my original weight loss goal, it is too early to consider this the home stretch, and I have to be careful not to settle for where I am (for a list of reasons) but I also have to continue to be realistic and make this all a part of my lifestyle (eating low carb and exercising regularly). So somewhere is the balance, I don't know where yet, obviously, but once again I determine to just press on. :)
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Day 17 - Social Suicide
One of the HARDEST parts about dieting is the social aspect. Food is always tied in to the center of social events. Bible study? Someone bring a snack. An evening with friends almost always includes dinner and dessert. My bunco nights, dinner and dessert there too. Sometimes control is limited. You can't ask someone to arrange their menu according to your diet plan (well you can, but it's a tad bit rude to expect them to accommodate you.)
I have some great friends who keep me in mind when I'm coming and at least add an "option" I can have. In my Growth Group (Bible Study) I don't know if it's been because of my diet (I don't think I have been that vocal there) it's been mostly carb friendly snacks. But last night the woman who brought snack totally did not take my low carb needs into consideration! Oh wait.... I was snack lady last night! So it was ME who shot ME in the foot!
First I picked up a couple little trays of treats from Trader Joe's. They hold a dozen different little cake pieces, one of my friends had served it at a Bunco, and I was pleasantly surprised to find if I could limit myself to one piece of 2 of the 3 options I could keep it to just 6 carbs! 6 carbs is a great option for a taste of something yummy and sweet.
Problem was I got home and plated it and I felt like I wasn't bringing enough. So I texted my hubby and asked him to stop back by Trader Joe's and pick up a little tub of one of my favorite cookies. They are one of my favorites and I knew they would be a big hit. I just didn't think about what a huge hit they are with me personally.
But I had a plan - one or two little treats (~12 carbs) and a cookie (13 carbs) along with a dose of carb blockers which is good to block between 40-50 carbs. A treat, a plan, and everybody wins... well, I win. Or I could have IF I had stuck to the plan, but one cookie turned into one and a half... and then by the time we were driving into the driveway at home I think I topped out at 7 or 8. I didn't just fall off the wagon, I jumped with absolute joyful abandon.
Now a whole new battle for me begins - the mindset pops up of "Well, I already blew it so I might as well..." I might as well what? Take another day of cheating and eat more food that's going to counter meeting my goals? Or take off till the weekend, we're celebrating my grandma's birthday this weekend which means my dad is making cake! (And people my dad makes CAKE!!!) All of these temptations loom even larger since despite my fall, the scale was actually down again this morning and lowest it's been since I got back on track! It's so easy to convince myself to do what I want to in my flesh rather than what I need to do for my own well-being (seriously people, my dad's cake...)
So I have to ask God to help me, and with that help we have got to run like mad and catch up with that wagon and climb back on! I have to look at the big picture and remind myself that thin and healthy FEEL better than ANYTHING tastes (though the cake and last night's cookies do try.) And dieting in social settings takes great planning and care. Eat before you go (I do that a lot with Bunco); chew sugar free gum (that's a GREAT tool, though it's not always the most attractive); hydrate! bring a bottle of water and sip, sip, sip away; BYOT - Bring your own treat. Grab something yummy and low carb to snack on if you know you'll be somewhere where tempting food will have to be overcome. And finally, definitely do NOT bring your own favorite tempting weakness when you are in charge of snack, that's just never a good plan at all!
Weight: 191.6
Feeling: Pretty good, a little bit of pain in the shoulder, more than yesterday, but much better than a week ago. The knee is a little bit of an issue. I cut my trampoline run a little short last night because it was bothering me, but not enough I didn't at least consider getting back on to counter my carb failure... but I didn't.
Eating: Shaking head, lowers eyes in shame... darn cookies! But I'm BAAAAACK in the SADDLE again... I'm BAAACK!!! (Steven Tyler impersonation complete.)
Moving: Came home after falling off the wagon and stretched. MY knee feels like it's a pop or stretch from feeling normal, but no such luck. It didn't miraculously feel better. In my mind I set out to run for 45 minutes to an hour after stretching (counter carb workout that I have NEVER done..) but I didn't even make my maximum goal. About 27 minutes I stepped off because of the knee. Worked up a great sweat though. Hoping things will be back on track soon!
Thoughts: I am trying very hard not to be on a "diet." Low-carb needs to be my lifestyle for health benefits (in my personal situation) and so I need to walk the fine line of grace to realize I won't get through life without ever eating carb rich foods, but also I can't let those meals, snacks or days be a slippery slope. And I did make a commitment to try to be more faithful and focused for 60 days, so in that respect yesterday's choices were a failure, but it's not about how we fall, it's about whether or not we get back up again. Right?
I have some great friends who keep me in mind when I'm coming and at least add an "option" I can have. In my Growth Group (Bible Study) I don't know if it's been because of my diet (I don't think I have been that vocal there) it's been mostly carb friendly snacks. But last night the woman who brought snack totally did not take my low carb needs into consideration! Oh wait.... I was snack lady last night! So it was ME who shot ME in the foot!
First I picked up a couple little trays of treats from Trader Joe's. They hold a dozen different little cake pieces, one of my friends had served it at a Bunco, and I was pleasantly surprised to find if I could limit myself to one piece of 2 of the 3 options I could keep it to just 6 carbs! 6 carbs is a great option for a taste of something yummy and sweet.
But I had a plan - one or two little treats (~12 carbs) and a cookie (13 carbs) along with a dose of carb blockers which is good to block between 40-50 carbs. A treat, a plan, and everybody wins... well, I win. Or I could have IF I had stuck to the plan, but one cookie turned into one and a half... and then by the time we were driving into the driveway at home I think I topped out at 7 or 8. I didn't just fall off the wagon, I jumped with absolute joyful abandon.
Now a whole new battle for me begins - the mindset pops up of "Well, I already blew it so I might as well..." I might as well what? Take another day of cheating and eat more food that's going to counter meeting my goals? Or take off till the weekend, we're celebrating my grandma's birthday this weekend which means my dad is making cake! (And people my dad makes CAKE!!!) All of these temptations loom even larger since despite my fall, the scale was actually down again this morning and lowest it's been since I got back on track! It's so easy to convince myself to do what I want to in my flesh rather than what I need to do for my own well-being (seriously people, my dad's cake...)
So I have to ask God to help me, and with that help we have got to run like mad and catch up with that wagon and climb back on! I have to look at the big picture and remind myself that thin and healthy FEEL better than ANYTHING tastes (though the cake and last night's cookies do try.) And dieting in social settings takes great planning and care. Eat before you go (I do that a lot with Bunco); chew sugar free gum (that's a GREAT tool, though it's not always the most attractive); hydrate! bring a bottle of water and sip, sip, sip away; BYOT - Bring your own treat. Grab something yummy and low carb to snack on if you know you'll be somewhere where tempting food will have to be overcome. And finally, definitely do NOT bring your own favorite tempting weakness when you are in charge of snack, that's just never a good plan at all!
Weight: 191.6
Feeling: Pretty good, a little bit of pain in the shoulder, more than yesterday, but much better than a week ago. The knee is a little bit of an issue. I cut my trampoline run a little short last night because it was bothering me, but not enough I didn't at least consider getting back on to counter my carb failure... but I didn't.
Eating: Shaking head, lowers eyes in shame... darn cookies! But I'm BAAAAACK in the SADDLE again... I'm BAAACK!!! (Steven Tyler impersonation complete.)
Moving: Came home after falling off the wagon and stretched. MY knee feels like it's a pop or stretch from feeling normal, but no such luck. It didn't miraculously feel better. In my mind I set out to run for 45 minutes to an hour after stretching (counter carb workout that I have NEVER done..) but I didn't even make my maximum goal. About 27 minutes I stepped off because of the knee. Worked up a great sweat though. Hoping things will be back on track soon!
Thoughts: I am trying very hard not to be on a "diet." Low-carb needs to be my lifestyle for health benefits (in my personal situation) and so I need to walk the fine line of grace to realize I won't get through life without ever eating carb rich foods, but also I can't let those meals, snacks or days be a slippery slope. And I did make a commitment to try to be more faithful and focused for 60 days, so in that respect yesterday's choices were a failure, but it's not about how we fall, it's about whether or not we get back up again. Right?
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Day 16 - I need a victory
Weight: 192.2
Feeling: My shoulder really seems to be improving. My knee is not bad, but I may have to look into a brace or some sort of support for workouts to keep it that way.
Eating: I am my own worst enemy. I am still not deep in ketosis and still struggling with things like late night snacking and eating close to my critical carb level. I'm still in small to trace most of the time.
Moving: After a great workout the night before last, I took it easy yesterday and just did some yoga stretching. I am torn between my daily workout goal (which I already blew) and the concept of 3-4 workouts per week that seems to be so popular. Our Tuesday schedule was thrown off last night and I was struggling with other things so forcing myself to do the stretching was as much as I had in me.
Food isn't comfort, it isn't entertainment, it isn't supposed to be anything other than fuel. Is food to be enjoyed? Yes, of course, that's fine, but it really needs to be "enjoyed" within it's actual purpose, to fuel the body to work. But too often I am guilty of turning to it for other things:
- comfort in disappointment, sadness of frustration
- entertainment for boredom
- fulfillment of a non-hunger craving ("I just want something sweet"... "salty"... "crunchy"...)
It's a poor substitute for comfort and entertainment, and just saying no to a craving is a good thing, but still the inclination is to turn to it anyway, even knowing it will bring regret and disappointment in myself after the fact.
I have gotten BETTER in these areas, but I have not found total victory. Last night it was pistachios and a diet soda at 11 pm. I weighed myself before hand and my weight was actually very close to my morning weight which is atypical. I KNEW I should just pass on a snack or even just go to bed. I KNEW better, but I still went back out into the kitchen and back in front of the TV and found something to indulge in. I really need to work on that. Who knows? My weight might have been even better this morning if I'd just said no. I wasn't hungry, I just wanted something to snack on, and once you start on a bag of pistachios, it's hard to stop, No, I didn't eat the whole bag, but I ate too many. (One was probably too many.)
If I don't get these issues under control and get victory in these areas I will always be highly prone to fall back into my old bad habits and put my weight back on. It not only puts me at risk of never getting to my goal, it puts me at risk going back to a weight I never want to be again. I've got to get the victory over these battles.
Feeling: My shoulder really seems to be improving. My knee is not bad, but I may have to look into a brace or some sort of support for workouts to keep it that way.
Eating: I am my own worst enemy. I am still not deep in ketosis and still struggling with things like late night snacking and eating close to my critical carb level. I'm still in small to trace most of the time.
Moving: After a great workout the night before last, I took it easy yesterday and just did some yoga stretching. I am torn between my daily workout goal (which I already blew) and the concept of 3-4 workouts per week that seems to be so popular. Our Tuesday schedule was thrown off last night and I was struggling with other things so forcing myself to do the stretching was as much as I had in me.
Food isn't comfort, it isn't entertainment, it isn't supposed to be anything other than fuel. Is food to be enjoyed? Yes, of course, that's fine, but it really needs to be "enjoyed" within it's actual purpose, to fuel the body to work. But too often I am guilty of turning to it for other things:
- comfort in disappointment, sadness of frustration
- entertainment for boredom
- fulfillment of a non-hunger craving ("I just want something sweet"... "salty"... "crunchy"...)
It's a poor substitute for comfort and entertainment, and just saying no to a craving is a good thing, but still the inclination is to turn to it anyway, even knowing it will bring regret and disappointment in myself after the fact.
I have gotten BETTER in these areas, but I have not found total victory. Last night it was pistachios and a diet soda at 11 pm. I weighed myself before hand and my weight was actually very close to my morning weight which is atypical. I KNEW I should just pass on a snack or even just go to bed. I KNEW better, but I still went back out into the kitchen and back in front of the TV and found something to indulge in. I really need to work on that. Who knows? My weight might have been even better this morning if I'd just said no. I wasn't hungry, I just wanted something to snack on, and once you start on a bag of pistachios, it's hard to stop, No, I didn't eat the whole bag, but I ate too many. (One was probably too many.)
If I don't get these issues under control and get victory in these areas I will always be highly prone to fall back into my old bad habits and put my weight back on. It not only puts me at risk of never getting to my goal, it puts me at risk going back to a weight I never want to be again. I've got to get the victory over these battles.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Day 15
There was an oops on yesterday's post (not that anyone is reading these... so I guess it's a note to self for future reference.) I titled it as Days 13, 14 & 15 and had to correct it because it was actually Days 12, 13 &14. So here we are now on Day 15.
Weight: 193.6 At this point I'm happy with anything that isn't 194.4 and is lower than my nemesis of a number.
Feeling: My shoulder is decent today, but my right knee has started to give me some trouble. I may have to look into some kind of support for my workouts. I think it has to do with doing Zumba barefoot in the living room, but shoes make it too awkward... so yeah, getting old stinks.
Eating: I'm eating at my critical carb level, which is why I think weight isn't really coming off. I've got to get my act together and eat less carbs so I lose weight and not just maintain it.
Moving: Other than my knee giving me some issues, I had a GREAT workout last night. I not only ran for 30 minutes on the trampoline and then did 5 songs of Zumba. No yoga stretching yesterday though; I have to be careful not to let go more than a day or two or things will stiffen up on me.
Weight: 193.6 At this point I'm happy with anything that isn't 194.4 and is lower than my nemesis of a number.
Feeling: My shoulder is decent today, but my right knee has started to give me some trouble. I may have to look into some kind of support for my workouts. I think it has to do with doing Zumba barefoot in the living room, but shoes make it too awkward... so yeah, getting old stinks.
Eating: I'm eating at my critical carb level, which is why I think weight isn't really coming off. I've got to get my act together and eat less carbs so I lose weight and not just maintain it.
Moving: Other than my knee giving me some issues, I had a GREAT workout last night. I not only ran for 30 minutes on the trampoline and then did 5 songs of Zumba. No yoga stretching yesterday though; I have to be careful not to let go more than a day or two or things will stiffen up on me.
Monday, April 15, 2013
Days 12, 13, 14 - Boomerang
The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, but the scale however, well, it taketh and it giveth back... I'm not fond of either scenario, truth be told.
I was happy Thursday and Friday for the slight dip and the "FINALLY!" move away from the number that appears to be my nemesis 194.4. But the happiness didn't last long. It was staring me back in the face on Saturday morning, and just to make sure I knew it meant business it stuck around for Sunday morning too.
I'm going to be honest, there is a temptation to just give up and live with this number. I'm a size 12 after all and I feel no shame in that after busting out of my 20s just nine months ago. But I have been battling greatly with the knowledge that I really have a bit of a reputation (with myself at least) with never really finishing what I start. Let's consider my unfinished college education, the bathrooms that never got painted when we redid out house (the first time we never put baseboards down), I have written TWO novels that I swore (promised?) were going to be part of a trilogy and so far book 3 is a couple chapters along and just sitting in limbo (the question demands, will anyone even care anymore by the time I write it?) not to mention two other independent novels that are floating around my house somewhere... UNFINISHED. So there is a part of me that wants to see that 165 on the scale just to say I accomplished my goal, not to mention the physical benefits.
Speaking of unmet goals... my 60 days of working out consecutively didn't happen. These last few days I have been battling mentally - not specific to this weight loss process, but in life as a whole. The scale having boomeranged back up to my nemesis didn't help my resolve. I had other things I needed to tend to yesterday afternoon and by the time 9 pm came around when I hit my typical "Now or never" moment with getting a workout in hit, never didn't sound so bad. At 10:15 I had good intentions of doing some stretches in my jammies, but once I got them on at 10:30 the only word I could think of was "Sabbath" and I decided to give myself a pass... which as I said before, I have a bad habit of doing. But oh well, what's done is done. It's why I call this blog what I do, "The FIGHT to lose." Not because the loss itself is the fight, but because the whole process is-- Mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.
Weight: Saturday Day 12: 194.4; Sunday Day 13: 194.4; & Today Day 14: 193.8
Feeling: Frustrated and discouraged, a little torn, all the while having this underlying thought of "Get over yourself." Anything worth having is worth fighting for.
Eating: Too much, probably too many carbs. I seem to be living in "trace" on the ketosis scale and only occasionally hitting the darker colors. It's great for the "maintenance mode" but I'm still almost 30 lbs from there. It's a lot like getting a new house and living in the front yard in a tent. I'm happy to be in the neighborhood that I am, but I never signed on to live in this particular spot. I need to get in the house!
Moving: Friday's workout was a solid one. I repeated Thursday's but exercised even a little longer. I hoped it would mean more improvement for my shoulder, but Saturday was MISERABLE. My arm was killing me most of the day. Saturday I went for a walk, not a power walk, but a walk that took about a half an hour. Sunday the arm felt a little better, but Sunday brought no workout. Today the arm is decent, but a workout tonight is critical, it's what will keep yesterday a Sabbath and not let it turn into a downfall.
Thoughts: TO all my good intentioned friends who are going to tell me not to get discouraged and keep up the good work, thank you. I know. But this blog is about the FIGHT to lose, so I am trying to just be real and (at times) raw about this process. I know I look great (comparatively, and because you said so) and I know it takes time (I could kick myself though for all the time I let pass without effort) and I know (ok this I don't really know) that I CAN DO IT! But the fact is, some days are just hard. Right now, most days are just hard. But I'm still here, I'm still in the FIGHT. But it's a daily decision. Today I'm deciding not to give up, that makes today a good day.
I was happy Thursday and Friday for the slight dip and the "FINALLY!" move away from the number that appears to be my nemesis 194.4. But the happiness didn't last long. It was staring me back in the face on Saturday morning, and just to make sure I knew it meant business it stuck around for Sunday morning too.
I'm going to be honest, there is a temptation to just give up and live with this number. I'm a size 12 after all and I feel no shame in that after busting out of my 20s just nine months ago. But I have been battling greatly with the knowledge that I really have a bit of a reputation (with myself at least) with never really finishing what I start. Let's consider my unfinished college education, the bathrooms that never got painted when we redid out house (the first time we never put baseboards down), I have written TWO novels that I swore (promised?) were going to be part of a trilogy and so far book 3 is a couple chapters along and just sitting in limbo (the question demands, will anyone even care anymore by the time I write it?) not to mention two other independent novels that are floating around my house somewhere... UNFINISHED. So there is a part of me that wants to see that 165 on the scale just to say I accomplished my goal, not to mention the physical benefits.
Speaking of unmet goals... my 60 days of working out consecutively didn't happen. These last few days I have been battling mentally - not specific to this weight loss process, but in life as a whole. The scale having boomeranged back up to my nemesis didn't help my resolve. I had other things I needed to tend to yesterday afternoon and by the time 9 pm came around when I hit my typical "Now or never" moment with getting a workout in hit, never didn't sound so bad. At 10:15 I had good intentions of doing some stretches in my jammies, but once I got them on at 10:30 the only word I could think of was "Sabbath" and I decided to give myself a pass... which as I said before, I have a bad habit of doing. But oh well, what's done is done. It's why I call this blog what I do, "The FIGHT to lose." Not because the loss itself is the fight, but because the whole process is-- Mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.
Weight: Saturday Day 12: 194.4; Sunday Day 13: 194.4; & Today Day 14: 193.8
Feeling: Frustrated and discouraged, a little torn, all the while having this underlying thought of "Get over yourself." Anything worth having is worth fighting for.
Eating: Too much, probably too many carbs. I seem to be living in "trace" on the ketosis scale and only occasionally hitting the darker colors. It's great for the "maintenance mode" but I'm still almost 30 lbs from there. It's a lot like getting a new house and living in the front yard in a tent. I'm happy to be in the neighborhood that I am, but I never signed on to live in this particular spot. I need to get in the house!
Moving: Friday's workout was a solid one. I repeated Thursday's but exercised even a little longer. I hoped it would mean more improvement for my shoulder, but Saturday was MISERABLE. My arm was killing me most of the day. Saturday I went for a walk, not a power walk, but a walk that took about a half an hour. Sunday the arm felt a little better, but Sunday brought no workout. Today the arm is decent, but a workout tonight is critical, it's what will keep yesterday a Sabbath and not let it turn into a downfall.
Thoughts: TO all my good intentioned friends who are going to tell me not to get discouraged and keep up the good work, thank you. I know. But this blog is about the FIGHT to lose, so I am trying to just be real and (at times) raw about this process. I know I look great (comparatively, and because you said so) and I know it takes time (I could kick myself though for all the time I let pass without effort) and I know (ok this I don't really know) that I CAN DO IT! But the fact is, some days are just hard. Right now, most days are just hard. But I'm still here, I'm still in the FIGHT. But it's a daily decision. Today I'm deciding not to give up, that makes today a good day.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Day 11 - Clothed
While it should be one of the best parts of losing weight, I have found it to be one of the most miserable...
Shopping for clothes.
For years I have had to suffer through the torture of plus size shopping on a budget. I specify "on a budget" because I have some plus size friends with a better clothing budget, or maybe just a better knack for shopping that dress incredibly cute, but I was never one of them.
The plus size sections of Target and Wal-Mart, my shops of choice most typically are filled with unattractive cuts and tacky gaudy patterns. In fact as I have been trying to shop since the weight has been coming off it is usually by the colors and patterns thatI notice I have wandered into the "women's" section, not by taking note of sizes on hangers. And I'm not going to lie, when I discover myself there I exit with what is the cross between a run and a stomp. I've worked too hard to shop in that section, even if I could find something cute. Same goes for the maternity section by the way, I found a cute blouse and target that I liked and when I took it off I saw it was a maternity brand - the blouse fit my body pretty well, but my ego just wouldn't fit. (I will give props though that maternity clothing has at least gotten cuter, it wasn't like that when I was having my babies.)
When I was heavy, it was just about finding the least gaudy outfit and being clothed. When I found something that was acceptable to my tastes I wore it till it wore out because shopping for more just wasn't any fun.
Truth be told I've never been much of a shopper - even when I was a teen and had a pretty hot body, I would make my way through a store passing by racks and if something didn't jump out and grab my attention, I moved on. I am pretty low key, a jeans and top kind of girl, and on the rare occasion I find something I like (or can live with) I will buy it in at least two, up to four or five different colors. And if I found an out of the box outfit I like I will wear that until it wears out as well. (Please don't ever inspect me in my clothing too closely, you may find a few tiny laundry holes in my shirts.)
Now as I am almost 55 lbs down from where I was ten months ago, the best thing is my own personal hands me down from a girl who I was skinnier many years ago. This is where not throwing things away and having pretty neutral tastes finally pays off. But I don't plan on staying in my decade old size 12s, and let's face it, there are some differences in a 30 something's wardrobe vs. this 40 something's style and tastes.
I have lovely friends who've offered to help, but let's face it, when does that typically work out? And hand me downs from other friends cover the nakedness, butt he styles and colors schemes rarely line up beyond a few basics. I wish I found shopping fun. I wish I had a budget that took me to better places, but I have a hard time buying a $35 blouse knowing I could buy at least 4 tops for that elsewhere. At this point I'm thinking, "Darn that Adam and Eve, there would be something to be said for walking around naked..." Heck, if that were the case, maybe I never would have let myself get so out of shape in the first place ! Wink, wink.
Weight: 192.6 right direction, I'll take it!
Feeling: Pretty good. My shoulder (after hurting the worst yesterday) actually feels the best it has in a long time. I got a good workout in yesterday, I'm doing ok in food temptations. I'm a little tired, but overall in the diet and fitness realm, I'm feeling alright.
Eating: Careful what you wish for. Today I am feeling very bored with low carb eating - the kind of bored that says "Why bother?" I am settling on an Atkins frozen meal for lunch today because the flitting cravings of something cheesy and casserole-like couldn't actually land on any actual food that I could put my finger (or my tongue) on. So yeah, bored with eating, but doing it because I have to.
Moving: Yesterday was a good workout day. I stretched for 15-20 minutes, I ran for 15 minutes on the tramp and I did 5 songs of Zumba with the Wii. I did a couple new (to me) songs that were higher intensity and left me a little winded and soaking in sweat. I've noticed today that my shoulder feels really good, and I noticed that after another Zumba workout, which seems strange to me. I kept the arms modified, but they are moving. My own backed into physical therapy? I don't know... maybe. I need to do the Zumba more.
Shopping for clothes.
For years I have had to suffer through the torture of plus size shopping on a budget. I specify "on a budget" because I have some plus size friends with a better clothing budget, or maybe just a better knack for shopping that dress incredibly cute, but I was never one of them.
The plus size sections of Target and Wal-Mart, my shops of choice most typically are filled with unattractive cuts and tacky gaudy patterns. In fact as I have been trying to shop since the weight has been coming off it is usually by the colors and patterns thatI notice I have wandered into the "women's" section, not by taking note of sizes on hangers. And I'm not going to lie, when I discover myself there I exit with what is the cross between a run and a stomp. I've worked too hard to shop in that section, even if I could find something cute. Same goes for the maternity section by the way, I found a cute blouse and target that I liked and when I took it off I saw it was a maternity brand - the blouse fit my body pretty well, but my ego just wouldn't fit. (I will give props though that maternity clothing has at least gotten cuter, it wasn't like that when I was having my babies.)
When I was heavy, it was just about finding the least gaudy outfit and being clothed. When I found something that was acceptable to my tastes I wore it till it wore out because shopping for more just wasn't any fun.
Truth be told I've never been much of a shopper - even when I was a teen and had a pretty hot body, I would make my way through a store passing by racks and if something didn't jump out and grab my attention, I moved on. I am pretty low key, a jeans and top kind of girl, and on the rare occasion I find something I like (or can live with) I will buy it in at least two, up to four or five different colors. And if I found an out of the box outfit I like I will wear that until it wears out as well. (Please don't ever inspect me in my clothing too closely, you may find a few tiny laundry holes in my shirts.)
Now as I am almost 55 lbs down from where I was ten months ago, the best thing is my own personal hands me down from a girl who I was skinnier many years ago. This is where not throwing things away and having pretty neutral tastes finally pays off. But I don't plan on staying in my decade old size 12s, and let's face it, there are some differences in a 30 something's wardrobe vs. this 40 something's style and tastes.
I have lovely friends who've offered to help, but let's face it, when does that typically work out? And hand me downs from other friends cover the nakedness, butt he styles and colors schemes rarely line up beyond a few basics. I wish I found shopping fun. I wish I had a budget that took me to better places, but I have a hard time buying a $35 blouse knowing I could buy at least 4 tops for that elsewhere. At this point I'm thinking, "Darn that Adam and Eve, there would be something to be said for walking around naked..." Heck, if that were the case, maybe I never would have let myself get so out of shape in the first place ! Wink, wink.
Weight: 192.6 right direction, I'll take it!
Feeling: Pretty good. My shoulder (after hurting the worst yesterday) actually feels the best it has in a long time. I got a good workout in yesterday, I'm doing ok in food temptations. I'm a little tired, but overall in the diet and fitness realm, I'm feeling alright.
Eating: Careful what you wish for. Today I am feeling very bored with low carb eating - the kind of bored that says "Why bother?" I am settling on an Atkins frozen meal for lunch today because the flitting cravings of something cheesy and casserole-like couldn't actually land on any actual food that I could put my finger (or my tongue) on. So yeah, bored with eating, but doing it because I have to.
Moving: Yesterday was a good workout day. I stretched for 15-20 minutes, I ran for 15 minutes on the tramp and I did 5 songs of Zumba with the Wii. I did a couple new (to me) songs that were higher intensity and left me a little winded and soaking in sweat. I've noticed today that my shoulder feels really good, and I noticed that after another Zumba workout, which seems strange to me. I kept the arms modified, but they are moving. My own backed into physical therapy? I don't know... maybe. I need to do the Zumba more.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Day 10 - Shift
Grateful to finally see a shift on the scale today. I realize we're only on day 10 here, and in reality it jumped a lot the first few days, but I am anxious to get back under where I was at the lowest before my March Madness break (187.2) I find myself kicking myself for taking the counterproductive break, but I gotta let it go. Sometimes it just feels like this "acceptable" weight that gets me into a size 12 isn't the worst place to land. But as someone who ALWAYS almost finishes her goals and never really completes things, I'm not wanting to add this to that list. Soooo... yeah, I want this last 27.8 pounds (and then some?) to go.... So I press on.
Weight: 192.8 Woohoo!
Feeling: It's a 4 Advil kind of morning. It's my shoulder, but now the pain is added onto by tightness and it's all the way across my neck and my upper back. Emotionally speaking, the drop on the scale this morning helps. It's a good reminder that the scale moves in chunks on low carb, nothing, nothing, nothing, then a whole pound or two drop happens. It's hard to remember that when there's the no moving.
Eating: My eating the last 24 hours is a bit of a blur. I know I had El Cantarito's Carne Asada for lunch yesterday which is one of my FAVES. I also enjoyed a Breyer's low-carb ice cream bar which is a real treat - doesn't taste diet-y at all. I'm looking forward to a protein style burger from In & Out for lunch today. I'm still enjoying low carb foods right now, and starting to look forward to boredom setting in (a little) because when I do I don't eat as much (because I am never hungry on low-carb) and food gets its place as fuel rather than entertainment, which is a good thing.
Moving: The hardest part about my commitment to exercise for 60 days is time. As a working mom my mornings, days and afternoons are NOT my own. Most evenings we have commitments as well and I'm not inclined to work up a sweat before going anywhere. So my workouts never get done before 9 o'clock at night. Some evenings I really have to push myself to do anything, my accountability to my commitment is what forces me to. If I run for at least 10-15 minutes on the trampoline with some other additional activity it's like a magical guilt reliever and for 9 out of 10 days I have done that. Last night I just didn't have it in me. So last nights was strictly yoga and stretching for about 25 minutes, and I had to force myself to do that. It's interesting that after my lightest "workout" (and yes I am totally counting it) today I had the shift on the scale AND I am the sorest I've been. Go figure.
Good choice: It's one I NEED to make. I need to up my water intake. I've been drinking more diet soda (something I never drink when I'm not on the diet) and even though I drink a lot, a LOT a LOT of iced tea, it's a naturtal diuretic and I need to make sure I am hydrating myself. (Reaches over, grabs her diet Mountain Dew and takes a swig.) Yeah, I need to get on that.
Weight: 192.8 Woohoo!
Feeling: It's a 4 Advil kind of morning. It's my shoulder, but now the pain is added onto by tightness and it's all the way across my neck and my upper back. Emotionally speaking, the drop on the scale this morning helps. It's a good reminder that the scale moves in chunks on low carb, nothing, nothing, nothing, then a whole pound or two drop happens. It's hard to remember that when there's the no moving.
Moving: The hardest part about my commitment to exercise for 60 days is time. As a working mom my mornings, days and afternoons are NOT my own. Most evenings we have commitments as well and I'm not inclined to work up a sweat before going anywhere. So my workouts never get done before 9 o'clock at night. Some evenings I really have to push myself to do anything, my accountability to my commitment is what forces me to. If I run for at least 10-15 minutes on the trampoline with some other additional activity it's like a magical guilt reliever and for 9 out of 10 days I have done that. Last night I just didn't have it in me. So last nights was strictly yoga and stretching for about 25 minutes, and I had to force myself to do that. It's interesting that after my lightest "workout" (and yes I am totally counting it) today I had the shift on the scale AND I am the sorest I've been. Go figure.
Good choice: It's one I NEED to make. I need to up my water intake. I've been drinking more diet soda (something I never drink when I'm not on the diet) and even though I drink a lot, a LOT a LOT of iced tea, it's a naturtal diuretic and I need to make sure I am hydrating myself. (Reaches over, grabs her diet Mountain Dew and takes a swig.) Yeah, I need to get on that.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Day 9 - Stuck
Weight: 194.4 (Grumble)
Feeling: Discouraged, but trying not to dwell on it. My shoulder kills at night and then feels better in the morning. Strange, I hope it's progress.
Eating: Low-carb...
Moving: Longer period of stretching last night and a shorter run. I think the stretching is what made the shoulder/ arm ache and throb, but like I said I think it's improving so it must be a good plan.
Thoughts: Plateaus suck and this one came WAY earlier than I expected of hoped for.
I won't give up. I know this, NOT pressing on will definitely NOT be successful, so all I can do is keep pressing on. I press on. May have to mix things up with eating less, or stopping eating earlier in the evening. Maybe I need to work towards kicking it up a notch in the workouts ,but I'm not sure how, time and strength work against me.
The mind is working, the spirit is wandering, the body is apparently rebelling... I will fight on until I see some results! (And then keep fighting till I get to the final results, IJN.)
Feeling: Discouraged, but trying not to dwell on it. My shoulder kills at night and then feels better in the morning. Strange, I hope it's progress.
Eating: Low-carb...
Moving: Longer period of stretching last night and a shorter run. I think the stretching is what made the shoulder/ arm ache and throb, but like I said I think it's improving so it must be a good plan.
Thoughts: Plateaus suck and this one came WAY earlier than I expected of hoped for.
I won't give up. I know this, NOT pressing on will definitely NOT be successful, so all I can do is keep pressing on. I press on. May have to mix things up with eating less, or stopping eating earlier in the evening. Maybe I need to work towards kicking it up a notch in the workouts ,but I'm not sure how, time and strength work against me.
The mind is working, the spirit is wandering, the body is apparently rebelling... I will fight on until I see some results! (And then keep fighting till I get to the final results, IJN.)
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Day 8
Weight: 194.2 (Whoop-ti-do)
Feeling: Discouraged, but about much more than my weight. I feel like a wave... more like an attack... of discouragement has come over me in the last day or so. Went for a walk yesterday and my mind got to wandering about hurtful and discouraging things, disappointments in people and circumstances and it's brought me low. I have to fight off allowing that to become a stumbling block in my weight loss efforts. My shoulder, neck and back are feeling tweaked as well, like they're trying to go south on me. I'm hoping it's just the process of healing continuing and just a stage.
Eating: Still playing around with foods, and probably eating more than I need to because I'm getting back into low-carb. Staying mostly in ketosis though, so that's good. Loving Ralph's (Kroger's) Carb Master low-carb yogurt - turning them into some yummy treats by mixing in berries, nuts, Cool Whip to mix things up a bit.
Moving: Took a long walk in Tustin yesterday while my daughter was at gymnastics. My mind was wondering and I felt off balance and awkward through the whole thing. My phone's tracking system didn't work so I couldn't gauge how long the walk was, but I walked, and stumbled for just over an hour around the streets of Tustin. I did yoga stretches both before I left and when I returned home. Did some ab work with the exercise ball as well, I can feel the activity in assorted places on my body, so it must have had some effect.
Thoughts: Getting healthy and thin has to include mind, body and spirit - if any of those facets is off kilter, there will be struggle. When I couldn't get my mind on board in February and March I struggled and eventually gave up. My body too being hurt and weary hindered me from reaching my goals. Now I feel like my spirit is working against me and accentuating my body issues. Fortunately my mind is determined, so the battle is on. I haven't given up yet and I don't plan to. Have a goal of 60 days makes it easier.
Feeling: Discouraged, but about much more than my weight. I feel like a wave... more like an attack... of discouragement has come over me in the last day or so. Went for a walk yesterday and my mind got to wandering about hurtful and discouraging things, disappointments in people and circumstances and it's brought me low. I have to fight off allowing that to become a stumbling block in my weight loss efforts. My shoulder, neck and back are feeling tweaked as well, like they're trying to go south on me. I'm hoping it's just the process of healing continuing and just a stage.
Eating: Still playing around with foods, and probably eating more than I need to because I'm getting back into low-carb. Staying mostly in ketosis though, so that's good. Loving Ralph's (Kroger's) Carb Master low-carb yogurt - turning them into some yummy treats by mixing in berries, nuts, Cool Whip to mix things up a bit.
Moving: Took a long walk in Tustin yesterday while my daughter was at gymnastics. My mind was wondering and I felt off balance and awkward through the whole thing. My phone's tracking system didn't work so I couldn't gauge how long the walk was, but I walked, and stumbled for just over an hour around the streets of Tustin. I did yoga stretches both before I left and when I returned home. Did some ab work with the exercise ball as well, I can feel the activity in assorted places on my body, so it must have had some effect.
Thoughts: Getting healthy and thin has to include mind, body and spirit - if any of those facets is off kilter, there will be struggle. When I couldn't get my mind on board in February and March I struggled and eventually gave up. My body too being hurt and weary hindered me from reaching my goals. Now I feel like my spirit is working against me and accentuating my body issues. Fortunately my mind is determined, so the battle is on. I haven't given up yet and I don't plan to. Have a goal of 60 days makes it easier.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Review: Atkins New Frozen Meals - Part 1
I think there is a limit to how good microwaved eggs can be. It's not the fault of the manufacturer, nature just results in chewy eggs which isn't my favorite, but the veggies have a really nice flavor and for a QUICK hearty breakfast, it's a worthy alternative. It's definitely a quick option compared to chopping up all the parts here that form the whole. So if you want QUICK breakfast I'd say go for it, but if you can cook your own, it'll be better. I give it a 7 out of 10
I was hopeful for this meal option and honestly a little disappointed with the results. I actually LOVE the veggie side on this entree, the cauliflower, zucchini and green beans are all good, but the meatloaf itself was dry, a little chewy and the gravy was too mild. For me it was pretty disappointing. The "gravy" needed a stronger flavor, I only liked the taste where it overcooked and congealed on the plate. 6 out of 10
To be fair, this one was going to have to work hard to impress me. I am NOT a fan of the "pot pie" but my typical issue is the crust, so I thought maybe this would be ok. It wasn't. It reminded me of eating something while you had a cold. It was very bland and flavorless. I wasn't crazy about there being carrots, they are not a low-carb eater's friend and didn't add much to the meal. The "gravy" had no real flavor to it at all. A couple pieces of the chicken were ok, and the broccoli was probably the best part, but I wouldn't buy this one again. 3 out of 10
Ok, I have ONE word to describe this one: Superyummadelish!! I am ADDICTED to this meal, I have eaten it 4 times since I discovered it, and am seriously questioning sharing the goodness of this entree for fear you might go buy them and make it harder for me to get. I eat more spicy on low-carb and this has a bit of a bite, both in the sausage and in the sauce, but it's good, so so so good. Every last bite of it. Veggies? Good. Meat? Good. Sauce? Good! (But please don't buy it.) 12 out of 10
Days 6 & 7 - It's ok to be the tortoise
Battling my frustration this morning, I had a bit of an epiphany. In my mind I saw a picture of the tortoise and the hare. And it occurred to me, that in weight loss, slow and steady really does win the race. Now mind you, I can't complain two much because a 50 lb weight loss in 9 months (really 7 because I can hardly count December and March) is nothing to sneeze at - it's a good solid loss, perhaps not for Atkins specifically, but I have been trying to do a modified version to be able to truly live the low carb lifestyle. averaging out to 5-7 pounds a month is actually an excellent rate to lose. But I still long for the 9-11 months I had at the beginning.
But I need to look at things and see the positives and realize how much things have changed. In the beginning I was unquestionably morbidly obese. My need and goal was to lose nearly 30% of my body weight. I have already lost 20%.
I am a different person than I was when I started 9 1/2 months ago. The person I am today needs (wants) to lose only about 15% of her total body weight. I was busting out of size 20s 9 1/2 months ago, and now I am fitting into 12s. Was a plus size, now I am (for a woman almost 5'9" tall) in a decent size - not, not NOT one I should settle for and be willing to stay in, but one that is very respectable.
I know I still have weight to lose- there are still too many soft places on my body that aren't supposed to be soft, but the closer I gt to goal, the more patience and (gulp) effort it's probably going to take, but if I just keep holding on to the tortoise mindset, the one that is willing to foucs and do what needs to be done daily, consistently, I WILL get there... eventually.
Weight: 194.4 both days. Not going to lie, I was hoping for something different... well specifically a drop, I was hoping for things to move faster than they are with some of the great workouts I've had.
Feeling: I am beyond relieved that I somehow managed to avoid the headaches of a sugar detox going back into the low carb lifestyle this time. All I can think is a month wasn't enough to create a huge problem. Phew! (wipes forehead with back of hand.)
Eating: I've been good, my mind is in the right place, ate the cheese and pepperoni off the top of pizza at a moving party yesterday, had a few Atkins meals, been eating low carb yogurt, etc. I seem to be fluctuating between small and large on the ketosis scale. I think I am fortunate enough to have a high critical carb level.
Moving: Saturday evening I found myself hanging out around the house alone, so I repeated Friday's yoga/ running/ Zumba workout, though I actually added an extra five minutes to the run on the trampoline (yes, I am saying TRAMPOLINE and not treadmill. I run in place in my living room and the trampoline eliminates painful impact.) Sunday however, I did NOT want to workout AT ALL. But I made a commitment to 60 days of strict diet and exercise, and even though the promise was only to myself, because I have made myself accountable to anyone willing to listen, I knew I had to do something. I for a moment considered counting the moving party as exercise, but quickly decided that wiping down a few shelves and some light lifting really didn't qualify enough to let me off the hook, so I took a brisk walk around my neighborhood before bedtime last night. I even extended it a little from the norm. It wasn't rigorous, but it got my heart pumping and it qualified as keeping my commitment. :)
Good news: Chronic pain is a difficult thing to gauge changes in. My experience has been that usually what happens is all of a sudden you notice one day that you haven't felt it in a few days and then you realize you're better, you miss the actual process. I think I am getting closer to the pain free days with my shoulder - that or my tolerance level is getting higher, but in faith I am believing for the improvement. I think that the daily yoga stretches are what I have to credit the progress to. The pain seems to be changing, it doesn't go as deep, and it's even shifted in specific location and the "oh dear God help me" moments of intensity seem to be fewer and farther between.
But I need to look at things and see the positives and realize how much things have changed. In the beginning I was unquestionably morbidly obese. My need and goal was to lose nearly 30% of my body weight. I have already lost 20%.
I am a different person than I was when I started 9 1/2 months ago. The person I am today needs (wants) to lose only about 15% of her total body weight. I was busting out of size 20s 9 1/2 months ago, and now I am fitting into 12s. Was a plus size, now I am (for a woman almost 5'9" tall) in a decent size - not, not NOT one I should settle for and be willing to stay in, but one that is very respectable.
I know I still have weight to lose- there are still too many soft places on my body that aren't supposed to be soft, but the closer I gt to goal, the more patience and (gulp) effort it's probably going to take, but if I just keep holding on to the tortoise mindset, the one that is willing to foucs and do what needs to be done daily, consistently, I WILL get there... eventually.
Weight: 194.4 both days. Not going to lie, I was hoping for something different... well specifically a drop, I was hoping for things to move faster than they are with some of the great workouts I've had.
Feeling: I am beyond relieved that I somehow managed to avoid the headaches of a sugar detox going back into the low carb lifestyle this time. All I can think is a month wasn't enough to create a huge problem. Phew! (wipes forehead with back of hand.)
Eating: I've been good, my mind is in the right place, ate the cheese and pepperoni off the top of pizza at a moving party yesterday, had a few Atkins meals, been eating low carb yogurt, etc. I seem to be fluctuating between small and large on the ketosis scale. I think I am fortunate enough to have a high critical carb level.
Moving: Saturday evening I found myself hanging out around the house alone, so I repeated Friday's yoga/ running/ Zumba workout, though I actually added an extra five minutes to the run on the trampoline (yes, I am saying TRAMPOLINE and not treadmill. I run in place in my living room and the trampoline eliminates painful impact.) Sunday however, I did NOT want to workout AT ALL. But I made a commitment to 60 days of strict diet and exercise, and even though the promise was only to myself, because I have made myself accountable to anyone willing to listen, I knew I had to do something. I for a moment considered counting the moving party as exercise, but quickly decided that wiping down a few shelves and some light lifting really didn't qualify enough to let me off the hook, so I took a brisk walk around my neighborhood before bedtime last night. I even extended it a little from the norm. It wasn't rigorous, but it got my heart pumping and it qualified as keeping my commitment. :)
Good news: Chronic pain is a difficult thing to gauge changes in. My experience has been that usually what happens is all of a sudden you notice one day that you haven't felt it in a few days and then you realize you're better, you miss the actual process. I think I am getting closer to the pain free days with my shoulder - that or my tolerance level is getting higher, but in faith I am believing for the improvement. I think that the daily yoga stretches are what I have to credit the progress to. The pain seems to be changing, it doesn't go as deep, and it's even shifted in specific location and the "oh dear God help me" moments of intensity seem to be fewer and farther between.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Day 5 - Full throttle
I am back in the saddle again. Last night I had the best workout I've had in over a month (Zumba is a great low carb workout because it clearly burns fat and gets ketosis to go darker quickly.) Before the 30 minutes of Zumba I did 15 minutes of yoga stretching and 10 minutes of running on the trampoline. I worked up a great sweat and felt very accomplished. I kept arm moves modified to limit trouble with the shoulder and felt pretty good this morning. I'm planning on the same workout tonight as I am hanging out at home alone.
One of the biggest challenges, or perhaps better considered best tools for low carb dieting is variety in the diet. Eating the same thing over and over again can get boring, then it becomes discouraging, and before you know it you give up and quit.
Although I eat the same favorite breakfast car from Atkins most mornings, the rest of the time I try to mix things up in my other meals. To top it off, Atkins now offers frozen dinner. I have tried a few (I will do a full review here in the future) I have found one that I absolutely love. I have eaten it 4 times in the last 5 days.
The key to success in the diet is both variety of flavors (I eat more spicy foods when doing low carb than I do when I'm not) and variety in texture. For example, I will add chopped macadamia nuts to my tuna and mayonnaise, it takes it to another level. A dollop of cool whip (not whip cream) on a cup of Kroger (Ralph's) low carb yogurt along with a few walnuts makes it a much more delightful treat - the cool whip on sugar free jell-o is also a yummier treat (think parfait.) Fresh berries in the vanilla is another yummy option.
Below is a picture of the shopping trips I have taken in the last couple days to bring things in the house to make for lots of options for snacks and meals. Trader Joe's bruschetta with some cut up string cheese helps curb a pizza craving. The yogurt makes the yearning for something creamy go away. Pork rinds made into nachos with melted cheese and salsa and a dollop of sour cream solves the desire for crunch.
I like to be bold, try new cheeses, mix things like the macadamia nuts and tuna that might not normally go together it makes things more interesting and sometimes I discover something exceptional like my ham and asparagus omelette. The key to success is just not to get into a rut. Keep it interesting, and the diet is a much easier process.
Weight: 195.2 Gulp! Up almost a pound! Frustrating, but not frightening.
Feeling: Relieved, I expected my arm/ shoulder to hurt more because of my workout last night. It hurts, but not any worse than yesterday, and possibly even a little less. I suspect the yoga stretching may be helping. (I hope, I hope!)
Eating: Probably eating more than I should. Diving back into the low carb lifestyle, I suspect I Am doing a lot of sampling and eating out of the desire to get excited again.
Moving: Last night I did Zumba for the first time in more than a month. I had to modify moves to look out for the shoulder, but that along with a ten minute run on the tramp to warm up and the yoga stretching was a great workout. I find Zumba to be the most effective workout on low carb dieting, it must be a fat burner because ketosis ALWAYS improves after a 30 minute Zumba workout.
Favorites: A couple fresh strawberries with a little splenda on top and a dollop of Cool Whip make a great post workout, late-night snack.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Day 4 - Busting at the seams.
Clothing has become an issue. I don't want to spend a lot of money on clothes in the process between where I was and where I hope to be. A few people have offered up hand-me-downs and things, but that has its limits, style and body type are always an issue. But I have tried to keep my shopping at bay until I am to the sizes I hope to remain.
In the last week though I have purchased two pairs of pants, both in size 12. For a girl who was busting at the seams of her size 20s nine months ago, I can't tell you the joy that rises up inside me to buy a 12! There is just something about that size, it is legitimately a NORMAL size! 14's were nice but they still carry the (pun intended) heaviness of being close to the large women sizes for me that make shopping pretty miserable. And for a girl who at her skinniest doesn't ever get below an 8, 12 feels like quite an accomplishment. It's exciting.
I only did my shopping at Walmart because my investment needs to be minimal, a couple pairs of denim capris with some birthday money and it's like a whole new sense of myself (in my 12's) and as I was wandering through the racks there I suddenly realized I was in the plus size section. It was with great joy that I said to myself out loud alone in the middle of the store, "I can't shop here, none of these things fit me anymore!" It was a whole other kind of busting at the seams!
Weight: 194.4 - No change from the day before, but that's OK, I think it means I have probably landed at where the actual weight loss begins again.
Feeling: Shoulder is still an issue, but I am grateful that the sugar detox is minimal. No headaches at all!
Eating: Yesterday was a big eating day. I went by Ralph's on my way home from work and picked up two more of the sausage primavera Atkins meals, and I ate them BOTH before bunco. And when I got to Bunco I was able to build a salad I could eat so I did. I just wanted to eat, but low carb eaters rarely eat out of true hunger because that's just a rare sensation when you're on the plan. I overdid, but when you are counting carbs and not calories, it doesn't undermine you the way it does when you are counting calories because it doesn't thwart the chemical process of ketosis as long as you stay within the plan.
Moving: I did not get home from Bunco till after 11... scratch that, I got home at 9:30 but sat in the car with a girlfriend till 11 chatting. I was pressed at that point to fit in some sort of exercise before I turned into a pumpkin at midnight! So I took my oldest on a 25 minute power walk around our neighborhood.
Good news: I'm in the right frame of mind to do this again. Ever since the holidays I have had a hard time getting on board mentally with following the low carb lifestyle, and the mental aspect is AT LEAST half the battle. So being here now feels good, and gives me hope about getting to my goals.
In the last week though I have purchased two pairs of pants, both in size 12. For a girl who was busting at the seams of her size 20s nine months ago, I can't tell you the joy that rises up inside me to buy a 12! There is just something about that size, it is legitimately a NORMAL size! 14's were nice but they still carry the (pun intended) heaviness of being close to the large women sizes for me that make shopping pretty miserable. And for a girl who at her skinniest doesn't ever get below an 8, 12 feels like quite an accomplishment. It's exciting.
I only did my shopping at Walmart because my investment needs to be minimal, a couple pairs of denim capris with some birthday money and it's like a whole new sense of myself (in my 12's) and as I was wandering through the racks there I suddenly realized I was in the plus size section. It was with great joy that I said to myself out loud alone in the middle of the store, "I can't shop here, none of these things fit me anymore!" It was a whole other kind of busting at the seams!
Weight: 194.4 - No change from the day before, but that's OK, I think it means I have probably landed at where the actual weight loss begins again.
Feeling: Shoulder is still an issue, but I am grateful that the sugar detox is minimal. No headaches at all!
Eating: Yesterday was a big eating day. I went by Ralph's on my way home from work and picked up two more of the sausage primavera Atkins meals, and I ate them BOTH before bunco. And when I got to Bunco I was able to build a salad I could eat so I did. I just wanted to eat, but low carb eaters rarely eat out of true hunger because that's just a rare sensation when you're on the plan. I overdid, but when you are counting carbs and not calories, it doesn't undermine you the way it does when you are counting calories because it doesn't thwart the chemical process of ketosis as long as you stay within the plan.
Moving: I did not get home from Bunco till after 11... scratch that, I got home at 9:30 but sat in the car with a girlfriend till 11 chatting. I was pressed at that point to fit in some sort of exercise before I turned into a pumpkin at midnight! So I took my oldest on a 25 minute power walk around our neighborhood.
Good news: I'm in the right frame of mind to do this again. Ever since the holidays I have had a hard time getting on board mentally with following the low carb lifestyle, and the mental aspect is AT LEAST half the battle. So being here now feels good, and gives me hope about getting to my goals.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Day 3 - Social Challenges
Today is Bunco! It's an evening of fun, but it presents a challenge for me. Part of the evening is dinner and dessert. I never know what's on the dinner menu, and dessert is pretty much guaranteed to be a carb filled event. Sometimes I can work my way through dinner, eating just a side salad, or picking the meat out of a taco, but I just don't know till I get there. The ability to "just say no," is a powerful thing (though not always the most fun) and I typically show up a little late when I'm in the diet mode to bypass the meal. If there is something I can eat, I will, but I don't plan on it. The trick is to come without being hungry. I always have to plan to eat enough beforehand to look at the food and not have the physical temptation to overcome on top of the taste bud temptation that can't be avoided. I also try to bring a pack of gum or an Atkins "treat" with me to eat during the dessert portion of the evening. Gum is always a great deterrent to the bowls of candy that often decorate the tables as well. I have to remind myself to stay focused on the bigger picture and not undermine my long term goals for a few minutes of a tasty treat. No matter how good it might be, it's NOT worth it. I have to remember "Skinny feels better than anything can taste."
Weight: 194.4 - Another 2.2 lbs, 4.6 total from kickoff. More bulk and water weight mostly, I'm sure, but an indicator that my true gain over March Madness isn't as bad as it seemed at initial weigh-in.
Feeling: Overall pretty good. Still no headaches from carb detox but yesterday I was tired and did nap for about half an hour. My shoulder is feeling a better, my only guess is it could be connected to the yoga stretching I've reinstated into my life once or twice a day. Still has a long way to feeling good though.
Eating: Never send a hungry woman to the grocery store. I spent the whole grocery budget stocking up on low carb foods for me... not good for my family. For dinner last night I made a small plate or nachos out of pork rinds and had a frozen Atkins meal that was a sausage primavera that was really good. Ideally I would have only eaten one and not both, but the beauty of low carb is overeating isn't as big an issue as long as your carb count is down, unlike when you are counting calories.
Moving: I chose stretching and running on the trampoline again, 15 minutes of the former, 25 minutes of the latter. I hope to get to more than 25 minutes, but at this point it's a stretch getting there. I have plans tonight so fitting in the workout will be a challenge - can't work out before, so afterwards will be a late night effort.
Good news: Ketosis is here, it's just trace, but it's here. I'm fortunate that gets there pretty quickly for me.
Weight: 194.4 - Another 2.2 lbs, 4.6 total from kickoff. More bulk and water weight mostly, I'm sure, but an indicator that my true gain over March Madness isn't as bad as it seemed at initial weigh-in.
Feeling: Overall pretty good. Still no headaches from carb detox but yesterday I was tired and did nap for about half an hour. My shoulder is feeling a better, my only guess is it could be connected to the yoga stretching I've reinstated into my life once or twice a day. Still has a long way to feeling good though.
Eating: Never send a hungry woman to the grocery store. I spent the whole grocery budget stocking up on low carb foods for me... not good for my family. For dinner last night I made a small plate or nachos out of pork rinds and had a frozen Atkins meal that was a sausage primavera that was really good. Ideally I would have only eaten one and not both, but the beauty of low carb is overeating isn't as big an issue as long as your carb count is down, unlike when you are counting calories.
Moving: I chose stretching and running on the trampoline again, 15 minutes of the former, 25 minutes of the latter. I hope to get to more than 25 minutes, but at this point it's a stretch getting there. I have plans tonight so fitting in the workout will be a challenge - can't work out before, so afterwards will be a late night effort.
Good news: Ketosis is here, it's just trace, but it's here. I'm fortunate that gets there pretty quickly for me.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Day 2 Update
Weight: 196.6 (2.4 lb drop is probably mostly bulk and water weight, but that means it wasn't a legitimate gain either.)
Feeling: Less tired, I didn't need a nap yesterday. My shoulder is KILLING me, which stinks because I ran for exercise and that's going to have the least impact on the shoulder, but I will manage.
Eating: I went back to my Atkins Vanilla Fruit & Nut bar (5 carbs) for breakfast along with a water and my daily supplements. Lunch was carne asada and a salad with a couple of iced teas (<10 carbs) at my favorite restaurant. I've had a little bit of the TJ's white cheddar popcorn (~4 carbs) and an Atkins caramel nut chew bar (2 carbs). Kids are out tonight, so I may go to the store and look for a frozen Atkins meal for dinner (4-7 carbs), or I may just snack on some cheese (<1 carb). I'm not going hard core phase one, so it may take a little time to get back in ketosis. I won't check for another day or two.
Moving: Last night I did about 15 minutes of yoga stretching and I ran on the trampoline for 25 minutes. Not sure what the exercise plan for todaywill be, but I know I'll do something!
Good news: Getting through yesterday without a power nap is HUGE! Not feeling bloated and exhausted after lunch today is a nice "back to normal" after so much carbo loading during March madness. I wish this "profound difference" would stay in my mind better. I really do feel better when I eat low carb. So far no headaches from the carb detox - hoping it stays that way!
Feeling: Less tired, I didn't need a nap yesterday. My shoulder is KILLING me, which stinks because I ran for exercise and that's going to have the least impact on the shoulder, but I will manage.
Eating: I went back to my Atkins Vanilla Fruit & Nut bar (5 carbs) for breakfast along with a water and my daily supplements. Lunch was carne asada and a salad with a couple of iced teas (<10 carbs) at my favorite restaurant. I've had a little bit of the TJ's white cheddar popcorn (~4 carbs) and an Atkins caramel nut chew bar (2 carbs). Kids are out tonight, so I may go to the store and look for a frozen Atkins meal for dinner (4-7 carbs), or I may just snack on some cheese (<1 carb). I'm not going hard core phase one, so it may take a little time to get back in ketosis. I won't check for another day or two.
Moving: Last night I did about 15 minutes of yoga stretching and I ran on the trampoline for 25 minutes. Not sure what the exercise plan for todaywill be, but I know I'll do something!
Good news: Getting through yesterday without a power nap is HUGE! Not feeling bloated and exhausted after lunch today is a nice "back to normal" after so much carbo loading during March madness. I wish this "profound difference" would stay in my mind better. I really do feel better when I eat low carb. So far no headaches from the carb detox - hoping it stays that way!
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Day 1 - The Rude Awakening
The last time I updated the weight scale above in February I was down to 187.2. It was a particularly good weight in day, I considered myself really at just "under 190," which in itself was a reason to celebrate. Over the course of my own personal "March Madness" I was erratic at best getting on the scale.
194 didn't panic me. It was only really about 5 lbs up - and when you're eating regularly vs low carb, "bulk can be an issue. Just the undigested food in your tummy elevates the weight.
I was happy as long as I stayed under 196. Under 196 meant I had still lost over 50 lbs, a number I'm quote proud of. When it hit 197 last week, I dismissed the "bulk" issue and again didn't painc.
This morning I stepped on the scale - today is the day that my 60 days of eating strictly low carb and moving with exercise daily, so I needed an honest evaluation of where I am starting.
GULP.
The best I can say is I was relieved to still be under 200 - that's a number after all I swore I'd never hit again. And but by the grace of God, I am way too close. My first thought was to hide the truth - from the few of you actually following this journey. And then I remembered my commitment 47 lbs ago to be open, honest and real. So here I am again - open, honest and real - and a little bit ashamed.
But shame has kept me from getting back on the horse in the past, and it won't this time. I refuse to give in and let my weight keep creeping back up. So I'm ready to take it on.
So here we are, DAY 1 - back on low carb.
Weight: 199
Feeling: Achy, sore and worn down.
Eating: I have had an individual pack of genoa and provolone (0 carbs); about a cup of Trader Joe's White Cheddar Popcorn (~6 carbs) and two waters with sugar free Hawaiian Punch singles (2 carbs). Dinner ahead will be Taco Tuesday - 2 carnitas tacos served on lettuce wraps vs tortillas (~5 carbs). That will put my full day carb intake at about 13 carbs... at least that's my goal!
Moving: Planning on some yoga stretching this evening and either a 20-30 minute run on the trampoline, or a long jog/ walk through my neighborhood tonight.
Smart move: today I am back to taking my daily vitamin supplements.
194 didn't panic me. It was only really about 5 lbs up - and when you're eating regularly vs low carb, "bulk can be an issue. Just the undigested food in your tummy elevates the weight.
I was happy as long as I stayed under 196. Under 196 meant I had still lost over 50 lbs, a number I'm quote proud of. When it hit 197 last week, I dismissed the "bulk" issue and again didn't painc.
This morning I stepped on the scale - today is the day that my 60 days of eating strictly low carb and moving with exercise daily, so I needed an honest evaluation of where I am starting.
GULP.
The best I can say is I was relieved to still be under 200 - that's a number after all I swore I'd never hit again. And but by the grace of God, I am way too close. My first thought was to hide the truth - from the few of you actually following this journey. And then I remembered my commitment 47 lbs ago to be open, honest and real. So here I am again - open, honest and real - and a little bit ashamed.
But shame has kept me from getting back on the horse in the past, and it won't this time. I refuse to give in and let my weight keep creeping back up. So I'm ready to take it on.
So here we are, DAY 1 - back on low carb.
Weight: 199
Feeling: Achy, sore and worn down.
Eating: I have had an individual pack of genoa and provolone (0 carbs); about a cup of Trader Joe's White Cheddar Popcorn (~6 carbs) and two waters with sugar free Hawaiian Punch singles (2 carbs). Dinner ahead will be Taco Tuesday - 2 carnitas tacos served on lettuce wraps vs tortillas (~5 carbs). That will put my full day carb intake at about 13 carbs... at least that's my goal!
Moving: Planning on some yoga stretching this evening and either a 20-30 minute run on the trampoline, or a long jog/ walk through my neighborhood tonight.
Smart move: today I am back to taking my daily vitamin supplements.
Monday, April 1, 2013
60 Days
March madness is over. I gave myself permission to eat as I pleased in honor of my birthday month and nursing a sore shoulder put exercise mostly on the back burner as well. Like a true fool I gave myself a pass on April 1st as well. If I'm completely realistic, I probably put on between 5 & 7 lbs this month. Happy birthday to me.
It's been a learning month for me, I think I've realized that sugar in my diet seriously increases my aches and pains. I'm absolutely certain that it creates a serious fatigue. After some carb rich meals this past month I've found myself within an hour or so barely able to keep my eyes open. My afternoons have been filled with power naps that didn't seem all that powerful.
So I've made a decision, that April and May are going to be seriously focused months on taking care of myself physically. No, not in lieu of other priorities, but just sharing a focused importance. My GOAL is 60 days of faithful diet and exercise. I don't know how close it will get me to taking off the last 30 off pounds to my original goal.
I'm going to try to record the process here on the blog, as much to encourage others as to remind myself of the difficulties of letting myself slide backwards in taking a month off. Sitting here now I know that there is struggle ahead with the headaches of detox and the time it will take just to even get back to where I was in the scale.
But I have only slipped, and the division is far from hopeless. So tomorrow morning it's back on the saddle and hopefully by summer I'll be much closer to my goal.
Friday, March 22, 2013
March Madness
Oh my word.... I am STRUGGLING!!!!
February was a tough month for me, both boys birthdays and lots of celebrating, it was probably worse than the holidays for me. And to be honest, I'm just a little bit worn out from eating low carb and try to watch my weight.
March came with new resolve but it was weak... oh so weak. And before long I abandoned it altogether. I gave myself a pass for the month of March. It's my birthday month, after all, what harm can a little celebrating do?
The answer to that question can go many ways. Not much is a completelty viable answer, as long as I keep my focus and don't go crazy. Unfortunately, that's NOT what's going on.
The answer to the question "How much harm can it do?" Is "A WHOLE HECK OF A LOT!!"
Actually it was just yesterday that things went really wrong, but boy oh boy, it's such a fight! (Hence the title to this blog.) I have to come to terms with the fact that despite having lost over 50 lbs, I still have a lot to overcome on the battlefield of the mind.
My intention has been to allow myself to just lay aside the "low carb lifestyle" for a few (more) weeks. That doesn't have to be a bad thing, but the problem is the longer I'm "free" the more I lose the mindset of loosened restrictions and exchange it for a "free for all" eat as much as I can in as short a time as possible. And I end up having crazy binging days like I did yesterday. Days like I am trying to hold myself back from today. Too many days like this will be a fast track back to the plus size lifestyle that I so desperately don't want to be a part of.
There are so many key choices that I am not being diligent in.
(1) Don't have the temptation handy. - A craving filled "devil may care" walk through Trader Joe's brought all kinds of things into my office and I consumed way more than was even reasonable.
(2) Don't listen to your body. - I didn't have to go pick up a pizza last night just because I was "craving" it. And I definitely didn't have to buy the large, especially when I was the only one home. No, I didn't eat the whole thing or anything, but I still ate more than I should.
(3) LISTEN to your body. - Last night after eating myself way above the full meter I still ate a little more because Neal brought home a treat. Yes, I said no to the fries, but I didn't pass on his dessert, and I didn't need it. It didn't even feel good to eat it! But I did anyway.
(4) Don't drink your calories. - I am REALLY good about not drinking my calories when I'm focused on the low carb lifestlye (because all caloric drinks are carb filled drinks.) I stick primarily to iced tea and water, but now I'm stopping once or twice a day at Jack in the Box for PEACH iced tea, DOUBLE syrup because it tastes good, and it also raises my sugars, has lots of excess and unnecessary calories and creates a carb craving in me that I need to avoid.
(5) Get rid of the now or never mindset. - The truth is, the food should be able to be said "NO" to. It's not as though I can't have it later, or never. I eat like if I don't I'm going to be missing out on something, or like the opportunity to have a Creme Brulee Bruxie (the dessert I should have passed on last night) is never going to come up again.
See? I know the rules. I KNOW how to be a thin eater and take care of myself, I'm just not doing it. And I get on the scale and I'm up three pounds in a day! Three pounds that can take a week or more to lose, IF I'm doing things right!
3 years ago when I tutrned 40 I found myself at this exact place. I was feeling great after losing a lot of weight, but something happened and I plummeted down hill working my way back up to my highest weight ever. Next Tuesday I will turn 43 and I'm at this crossroads again. I have GOT to get my head on straight and get my act together!
March has been a month of madness, my own personal worst kind, and I can't let it continue. I may not go back on low-carb eating till after Easter as I originally planned, but I HAVE to set these wise rules back in action in order to not completely undermine the effort and success I've already had. I can't do it in my own strength, apparently, so I need to right my focus, grab hold of my God and remember that I need to get it together because it's the right thing to do, it's the best way to honor my God and it's the best possible birthday gift I can give to myself.
Help me Father, in Jesus' name!
February was a tough month for me, both boys birthdays and lots of celebrating, it was probably worse than the holidays for me. And to be honest, I'm just a little bit worn out from eating low carb and try to watch my weight.
March came with new resolve but it was weak... oh so weak. And before long I abandoned it altogether. I gave myself a pass for the month of March. It's my birthday month, after all, what harm can a little celebrating do?
The answer to that question can go many ways. Not much is a completelty viable answer, as long as I keep my focus and don't go crazy. Unfortunately, that's NOT what's going on.
The answer to the question "How much harm can it do?" Is "A WHOLE HECK OF A LOT!!"
Actually it was just yesterday that things went really wrong, but boy oh boy, it's such a fight! (Hence the title to this blog.) I have to come to terms with the fact that despite having lost over 50 lbs, I still have a lot to overcome on the battlefield of the mind.
My intention has been to allow myself to just lay aside the "low carb lifestyle" for a few (more) weeks. That doesn't have to be a bad thing, but the problem is the longer I'm "free" the more I lose the mindset of loosened restrictions and exchange it for a "free for all" eat as much as I can in as short a time as possible. And I end up having crazy binging days like I did yesterday. Days like I am trying to hold myself back from today. Too many days like this will be a fast track back to the plus size lifestyle that I so desperately don't want to be a part of.
There are so many key choices that I am not being diligent in.
(1) Don't have the temptation handy. - A craving filled "devil may care" walk through Trader Joe's brought all kinds of things into my office and I consumed way more than was even reasonable.
(2) Don't listen to your body. - I didn't have to go pick up a pizza last night just because I was "craving" it. And I definitely didn't have to buy the large, especially when I was the only one home. No, I didn't eat the whole thing or anything, but I still ate more than I should.
(3) LISTEN to your body. - Last night after eating myself way above the full meter I still ate a little more because Neal brought home a treat. Yes, I said no to the fries, but I didn't pass on his dessert, and I didn't need it. It didn't even feel good to eat it! But I did anyway.
(4) Don't drink your calories. - I am REALLY good about not drinking my calories when I'm focused on the low carb lifestlye (because all caloric drinks are carb filled drinks.) I stick primarily to iced tea and water, but now I'm stopping once or twice a day at Jack in the Box for PEACH iced tea, DOUBLE syrup because it tastes good, and it also raises my sugars, has lots of excess and unnecessary calories and creates a carb craving in me that I need to avoid.
(5) Get rid of the now or never mindset. - The truth is, the food should be able to be said "NO" to. It's not as though I can't have it later, or never. I eat like if I don't I'm going to be missing out on something, or like the opportunity to have a Creme Brulee Bruxie (the dessert I should have passed on last night) is never going to come up again.
See? I know the rules. I KNOW how to be a thin eater and take care of myself, I'm just not doing it. And I get on the scale and I'm up three pounds in a day! Three pounds that can take a week or more to lose, IF I'm doing things right!
3 years ago when I tutrned 40 I found myself at this exact place. I was feeling great after losing a lot of weight, but something happened and I plummeted down hill working my way back up to my highest weight ever. Next Tuesday I will turn 43 and I'm at this crossroads again. I have GOT to get my head on straight and get my act together!
March has been a month of madness, my own personal worst kind, and I can't let it continue. I may not go back on low-carb eating till after Easter as I originally planned, but I HAVE to set these wise rules back in action in order to not completely undermine the effort and success I've already had. I can't do it in my own strength, apparently, so I need to right my focus, grab hold of my God and remember that I need to get it together because it's the right thing to do, it's the best way to honor my God and it's the best possible birthday gift I can give to myself.
Help me Father, in Jesus' name!
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
The War
It's been a while since I posted here. Mostly because it's been a while since I actually made any progress. It's pretty depressing, and I find myself at a bit of a crossroads.
Three years ago this month when I celebrated my 40th birthday I was feeling great. I had lost about 35 lbs, was working out regularly and looked and felt better than I had in years physically. At the same time I was at probably my lowest point spiritually than I had been since I rededicated my life to Christ in 1992. I heard myself in a conversation right around that time and I said "Jesus will always be there, right now I am going to put all my focus on my physical health, my spiritual health can wait." Boy was I standing on a dangerously slippery slope that day. I look back at that girl and I want to slap her and ask her, what in the world was she thinking?
The truth is, she was thinking all about self. And by were here priorities out of whack. She had freely exchanged the Rock foundation for sand. What a fool, she actually thought she could succeed (at anything) on her own? It wasn't long after that that everything went to hell in a hand basket. All her personal efforts fell completely apart and by summer I started putting weight back on and over the next two years I put on 52 lbs and landed at the heaviest and most unhealthy place I'd ever been in my life. The rotten on the inside squeezed out into my everything.
But God in His grace did recapture my heart. I righted my heart toward Him. The next year might have been my best year spiritually since I'd come to Christ, reading through the whole Bible in a year, falling in love with God's Word again, letting go of every distraction. God did a lot in my spirit over the next year, even if my body went to pot.
Last year the two worlds finally collided, and while holding on to Jesus with both hands and all my heart, I set out to get my body right as well. From June to December I took off over 50 lbs, but the battle between body and spirit and the priorities for both has begun again.
I learned a hard lesson, I will never (with God's help) ever put my physical health above my spiritual well-being ever again. With God's help, with God's help, in Jesus' name with God's help... I definitely learned one thing, never think myself above a stumble!! Maybe that's the REAL lesson I learned!
Anyway, I've been struggling again, but it's a different kind of struggle. It's no longer the flesh against the spirit-- no, now that the two of them finally seem to be lined up, both the flesh and the spirit seem to be under attack. Truthfully, that fight can cause a fight between them though, and I find myself desperately battling between the two. It's like a marriage, the flesh and the spirit. When under stress or attack they can do one of two things come together or turn on each other. Lately, it's been fighting times, both under attack the spirit and flesh are going after each other.
It's pretty simple to address the issue, when flesh rises against spirit, the one who's been "eating" the best will win. Warning though, if you're just lackadaisical the flesh is being fed all the time even if it isn't intentional, and it will rise up against the spirit, and even if it doesn't win, it will give it one heck of a beating. That's what's been going on with me.
My body is broken, working out hasn't been going on because of it. My wherewithal and resolve to stick to the diet have been weak at best (there is ALWAYS a reason to postpone the diet till tomorrow.) Last night I was watching The Biggest Loser, and I listened as the final 5 contestants talked about never going back. I have not headed that direction, but the risk has been high. A month ago I felt great working out while I watched BL, two weeks ago guilt crept in as I sat and stuffed my face watching the same. Last night I sat plotting a trip to 7-Eleven for a candy bar (I ate 2 the night before) and I decided I didn't want to go back either. I got up and ran on the trampoline while I watched the BL contestants fight for their goals.
I'm 67% of my way to the goal I set back in June when I hit my bottom and headed back on the track to getting healthy mind, body AND spirit. I'm just a couple pounds below where I was when I fell painfully backwards three years ago. I don't want to go there again. I took a good step the right direction last night, but I've got a lot of steps to make if I want to make the other 33% to goal. I want it, but I've got to want it more, and I've got to want to do it with my focus right and gripping to my Savior. He is my salvation and my hope, not just in the "end" but all along the way. I really hope I can get there! Lord help me!
Three years ago this month when I celebrated my 40th birthday I was feeling great. I had lost about 35 lbs, was working out regularly and looked and felt better than I had in years physically. At the same time I was at probably my lowest point spiritually than I had been since I rededicated my life to Christ in 1992. I heard myself in a conversation right around that time and I said "Jesus will always be there, right now I am going to put all my focus on my physical health, my spiritual health can wait." Boy was I standing on a dangerously slippery slope that day. I look back at that girl and I want to slap her and ask her, what in the world was she thinking?
The truth is, she was thinking all about self. And by were here priorities out of whack. She had freely exchanged the Rock foundation for sand. What a fool, she actually thought she could succeed (at anything) on her own? It wasn't long after that that everything went to hell in a hand basket. All her personal efforts fell completely apart and by summer I started putting weight back on and over the next two years I put on 52 lbs and landed at the heaviest and most unhealthy place I'd ever been in my life. The rotten on the inside squeezed out into my everything.
But God in His grace did recapture my heart. I righted my heart toward Him. The next year might have been my best year spiritually since I'd come to Christ, reading through the whole Bible in a year, falling in love with God's Word again, letting go of every distraction. God did a lot in my spirit over the next year, even if my body went to pot.
Last year the two worlds finally collided, and while holding on to Jesus with both hands and all my heart, I set out to get my body right as well. From June to December I took off over 50 lbs, but the battle between body and spirit and the priorities for both has begun again.
I learned a hard lesson, I will never (with God's help) ever put my physical health above my spiritual well-being ever again. With God's help, with God's help, in Jesus' name with God's help... I definitely learned one thing, never think myself above a stumble!! Maybe that's the REAL lesson I learned!
Anyway, I've been struggling again, but it's a different kind of struggle. It's no longer the flesh against the spirit-- no, now that the two of them finally seem to be lined up, both the flesh and the spirit seem to be under attack. Truthfully, that fight can cause a fight between them though, and I find myself desperately battling between the two. It's like a marriage, the flesh and the spirit. When under stress or attack they can do one of two things come together or turn on each other. Lately, it's been fighting times, both under attack the spirit and flesh are going after each other.
It's pretty simple to address the issue, when flesh rises against spirit, the one who's been "eating" the best will win. Warning though, if you're just lackadaisical the flesh is being fed all the time even if it isn't intentional, and it will rise up against the spirit, and even if it doesn't win, it will give it one heck of a beating. That's what's been going on with me.
My body is broken, working out hasn't been going on because of it. My wherewithal and resolve to stick to the diet have been weak at best (there is ALWAYS a reason to postpone the diet till tomorrow.) Last night I was watching The Biggest Loser, and I listened as the final 5 contestants talked about never going back. I have not headed that direction, but the risk has been high. A month ago I felt great working out while I watched BL, two weeks ago guilt crept in as I sat and stuffed my face watching the same. Last night I sat plotting a trip to 7-Eleven for a candy bar (I ate 2 the night before) and I decided I didn't want to go back either. I got up and ran on the trampoline while I watched the BL contestants fight for their goals.
I'm 67% of my way to the goal I set back in June when I hit my bottom and headed back on the track to getting healthy mind, body AND spirit. I'm just a couple pounds below where I was when I fell painfully backwards three years ago. I don't want to go there again. I took a good step the right direction last night, but I've got a lot of steps to make if I want to make the other 33% to goal. I want it, but I've got to want it more, and I've got to want to do it with my focus right and gripping to my Savior. He is my salvation and my hope, not just in the "end" but all along the way. I really hope I can get there! Lord help me!
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