40 is the new 50.
40 is the new 50? That doesn't sound good at all, does it?
No, it doesn't, and it isn't... especially because I'm not talking age here, I'm talking weight loss. Or in reality, I'm talking weight gain. My 50+ lb weight loss has gone to pot. At it's best it was actually about 56 lbs. I am not not even actually at 40, I'm at 38.2. My weight has ballooned back up to 208 lbs.
208 - that's 8 lbs above the 200 I promised myself I would never cross again.
No excuses, but here are mine:
(1) My shoulder/arm have been troubling me for over 6 months. Working out is difficult and even downright painful at times and usually causes pain for days after. Even walking (and definitely running) jars my shoulder enough that it hurts and aches, much less anything that actually involves moving my arm.
(2) Low-carb get complicated. It means not being able to eat the same meal as my family, it gets boring after a while, and it requires a determination I seem to have lost, despite the fact that I feel so much better when I eat that way.
(3) I am in a spiritual funk/ struggle that is overflowing into my physical and mental well-being. I'm not on point, there is a part of me that doesn't even give a shit (yes, I said it) and it's a battle you cannot find if your heart isn't in it.
The reality is, my "Fight to Lose" is not even a physical issue, my weight problems and struggles with food are all about my head and my heart, not about my body. It's some sort of jacked up personalized eating disorder that has no name, I am sure of it.
I find myself 10 o'clock at night, not hungry but bore. I get a craving-- not even necessarily for anything specific, but a craving, and I'll be on the hunt. Oreos in the pantry... no, truth be told they're not even in the pantry, the kids might find them then, they're hidden up in some personal private stash (that my kids totally know about by the way but wouldn't dare raid) and I'll grab a glass of milk and 2 Oreos... and then I'll grab two more. I'll sit my butt on the couch, eat the 4 Oreos and when there is still half a glass of milk left, I'll go back and grab 4 more. The whole time there is a tiny voice of reason whispering "Don't do it," from the beginning, but I don't just ignore it, I don't even stop at resisting it, I DEFY it. I hear myself say (and sometimes actually utter it out loud) "I'll do it if I want to." And I do... even though in my heart of hearts, I really don't want to.
(Enter Romans chapter 7 lesson here.)
It's not just the Oreos at night, it's the Raspberry Milano cookies at my mom's house too. A long swim with the kids and I think, "I earned ONE." But by the time I leave it's been 4 or 5. My "reward." My REWARD??? What the heck am I doing to myself? I don't know, and I don't know why I don't stop, but if I take one of anything, it's like I open a floodgate and I just keep going. Another helping of potatoes, one more piece of chicken, another handful or ten of the candied walnuts I made for the salad....
In my mind I quietly promise myself I will get on track the next day. "Today is shot," I say, "tomorrow I'll do better."
I wake up in the morning and my first thought is about my weight. "Damn you, Diana!" I say. And I wake up feeling what I can only imagine is similar to what a relapsed alcoholic must feel like the morning after a binge. I go into my bathroom and strip off every ounce of clothing and beg God for mercy as I step on the scale. On the days it has gone down a little I slip myself a secret pass with "you're not doing so bad" and sometime later in the day I will "reward" myself with another cookie or treat that will open a floodgate of trouble and struggle. If my weight is up (which is more often) I feel the wave of self-hatred come over me, and bitterly wonder why God won't just free me of this addiction. Why do I have to do the work?
I would love to be thin, have a hard body, always look great in my clothes, but at the end of the day, I'm never going to be a marathon runner, or a P90X graduate or an Insanity enthusiast, and if I am honest, my real dream is just to be victorious over my food issues, and not constantly feel the stronghold of fighting to make decent healthy choices. I just want to be able to be NOT FAT and not fighting food.
I tried "tying the knot" at 199 lbs, and I'm up another 9. Self-determination didn't work.
Today a friend texted me just as I was standing in front of my refrigerator fighting the war between grabbing a fresh peach and grabbing the more desirable peanut butter chocolate PopTart (and yes, I would eat both pastries in the package.) "I'm praying for you," she said. She's been battling her weight too, and we've been talking about slipping the wrong direction. Her text was timely and the Lord's encouragement, I grabbed the peach to bring with me to work. I would wait to eat it until ACTUAL hunger struck (not eat based on a clock or a habit, but because my body was actually looking for fuel.)
Our conversation continued and we're going to work some accountability into the picture for us both. For me, that means keeping a food log. I had to keep a time log recently for a project and it really made me more responsible with my time. I am hoping this will make me think twice about my eating (today is going fairly well so far.)
I'm going to take it one step at a time. I am going to take on the spiritual battle and the mental battle and pray my body experiences the benefits. Accountability is in place with my friend (and this blog if anyone is reading it too, I suppose). I am going to try to wait and watch for TRUE HUNGER, and watch my portion control. I am going to TRY to stop buying so much crap and having it in the house (actually having to battle the thought in my mind right now of "getting rid of it" by eating it all today... it's sick.) And going to try to continue to cook daily for my family (another goal altogether) and manage my eating with less sugars and carbs (but not necessarily low/no carb) and smaller portions as well as eating at better times of day, etc. I miss exercising, so I will continue to try to include what I can, at least walking most days if nothing else.
This Fight to Lose is one heck or a battle, and I have been losing (by gaining weight to be specific) so I hope I'm headed for a turnaround. God help me... Sincerely, GOD help me. I need it.
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