My fat jeans are getting tight.

And my bra is starting to cut into my side.

I am too ashamed to get back on the Wii Fit. How sad is that? I have gained at least 18 lbs. since the last time I got on it, and I cannot BEAR to here the weighted grunt of the little work out buddy, so I keep slipping further and further into "debt" on the scale. And now my "fat jeans" are tight.

I am so exasperated with myself.

I do great every day until I open my mouth and eat for the first time. Then it's like it all goes to heck in a basket... a picnic basket to be specific.

I've been contemplating going back on Atkins. It's like returning to Egypt in my mind, but it is effective. I'm really considering it since I know by this time next week there will be lots of Easter candy to resist. Not as much as in years past and in fact the thought I had of going out to grab a couple more things probably isn't going to happen, because the fact is, I'm not the only chubby at this ranch.

I have also considered a fast. I never recommend a fast for diet purposes, but although I am aware of the effectiveness of fasting on weight loss, I am more focused on the possibility that it could break the power food seems to have over me. But I also know it won't work if it's just my idea and wrongly motivated. I've never fasted successfully without the help of the Holy Spirit. Of course my last successful fast seemed to unleash the flesh fest that led to this huge weight change in the wrong direction.

I have considered the possibility of not putting a single thing in my mouth without praying about it first, but once the food is before me, it seems like the idea fades and I don't actually remember the thought at all.

I'm sitting here now stuffed and miserable from Taco Tuesday and Dollar Scoop Night, and still the thought of hitting the kitchen still plays in my mind. What is wrong with me? Why is my will so weak?

It's getting desperate. I threw all my really fat clothes out last year, and I am bound for the world of sweats soon if I don't get my act together. Summer is coming, and I want to be beach bound and playing at the water park this summer. At this point I'm not even sure my bathing suit would fit, much less if I want to be seen in it. I've got to make a move. I'm 2 lbs above where I was when I started this blog. At least I was this morning, I don't know, it may be worse after today.

I've got to do something. I've got to get moving again. People used to ask me when I was losing all my weight how I did it. "Easy," I'd answer, "eat less and move more." Still seems simple, but I'd no longer describe it as easy. But I've got to get my act together.

Lord, help me!

Struggling

For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am carnal, sold under sin. For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. For the good that I will to do, I do not do;
but the evil I will not to do, that I practice.
Romans 7:14-19

I am sitting here just finishing up watching the Biggest Loser. I'm disheartened. I think I have put back on the entire 5 lbs I had lost. I am just struggling.

I am anticipating already the number of well-intentioned friends who will have just the right answer for me. But the fact is, they don't. This is about so much more than food and exercise- this is a spiritual issue for me. And I am NOT where I need to be. I have been there before, but it's been a long time, and I am having the hardest time figurng out how to get back.

A year ago when I was doing really well physically, working out, being committed, feeling strong and losing weight, it was my top priority. It was great, and it was awful. The great is obvious but the awful is the neglect to my spiritual well-being that was severe a year ago. I wasn't reading my bible, my prayer life was non-existent and I was struggling constantly with all kinds of temptation because of it.

I opened up to one friend a little and am haunted now by the words spoke to her. I said, "I know God and His Word will always be there and sooner or later I will come back around to that, but right now taking care of my body is more important." What a horrible lie I was buying into. I teetered on a very dangerous abyss, more than others even really know.

I am glad that my heart has drawn back to the Lord, and spending time with Him and being in His Word has gained back the proper priority. But the battle with my body is being lost. And I am struggling with understanding the battle of my mind when I am truly making the very best efforts to abide, abide, abide.

The slippery slope of my health and weight loss efforts is NOT directly linked to my change in priorities toward the Lord. I started to fall and fail with my eating and my weight back in the fall, and I didn't right my heart with the Lord till the first of the year. But now I struggle to find the balance, and to somehow get both aspects of my life in order and moving in the right direction.

There is a balance. I just have to find the path to get there. I find myself these last few days waking up and crying out to God to please help the new day be different, and by nightfall I find myself wallowing in regret.

I have to find the way. I have to, not for the size of my clothes, but for the state of my heart- spiritually speaking. I have to find the way.