How to grab hold

41

It means a big lunch at PF Chang's and a dozen cupcakes from Dad. It means yummy treats from a girlfriend and a box of See's Candy in the house. Treats not available, but intended for me.

I have indulged. Every bite has been delightful.

And now comes regret.

The scale has tipped the wrong direction, and shame is settling in.

I am contemplating not eating anything at all tomorrow, just to find empty again.

I haven't felt hunger in days, and I haven't stopped eating.

I am actually contemplating Atkins again. Which is a hard place to be. I know it will be effective, but it feels like a failure, like food wins. It's still stronger than me, and I hate that.

I had a donut in my hand at church this morning and I kow my friend saw it. I felt like she saw me cheating on my husband. Which in a way, she kind of did, spiritual adultery against the Lord.

Sigh.

I'm not turning in my weight today. Just like I won't get back on the Wii because I can bear to hear it's reaction from the last time I worked out a good 20 lbs or so ago, I can't bear to see the failure of the last couple days in writing.

It's the fine line between determination and desperation.

I'll be honest I have a night out with a girlfriend ahead where we celebrate our birthdays together, and I don't want to start Atkins before then because of the dessert I might have to give up if I do. It's a sickness. It's sin.

I don't know what I'm going to do. But I've got to do something.

Today my pastor talked about being an overcomer in Christ. And in this area, I still haven't leared to walk in the victory that is mine. I have yet to figure out how to grab hold of it. But I have to.

Somehow, I have to.

Careful what you pray for

Things at work have been so stressful, and my "job" is too look constantly at the most stressful and disheartening information. "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." says Hebrews 11:1, but when what you look at it constantly is so contrary to what you hope for, it battles against hope and faith.

A lot of mornings I wake up and I think to myself and whisper quietly to the Lord, "I can't do this." And I actually find myself hoping one of the kids will be sick and we'll have to stay home. Nothing serious mind you, just a low grade temp, I just hope for enough to not have to go to work.

Today I had to stay home. It wasn't because someone was sick but because the phone problem and work graduated to an internet problem. So I had to stay at home and get on the internet throughout the day to babysit email for work and transcribe responses which is similar to typing in a language you don't speak.

It was a long hard crappy day and the night is now even 10,000 times worse and I don't even want to type about it anymore. It's all I can do not to say bad words and scream. So, although staying home has sounded appealing for a while. I got to today and it wasn't at all what I had hoped for in fact in sucked. And now sucks even more.

Today's weight: 218.0

Today's battles: Home alone all day with a pantry full of food.

Today's better choice: Can't really say I made any good choices today.

Today's defeat: Too many emotional eating choices.

Today's victory: No good choices = no victory.

Just the facts

Not the best eating day today. My morning started with unexpected stresses and I never got my focus right, not on the Lord and not related to my eating.

It wasn't as bad a day as used to be the norm, but I wasn't intentional or focused. I had a bowl of cereal this morning and for lunch a string cheese and some peanuts and raisins (it was a bag of trail mix but I didn't eat any of the MnMs just all the raisins and a few nuts.)

I didn't snack after work, but I had a few too many chips while I chatted with friends at dinner, made an ok choice with just 2 tacos, but dropped the ball when I had two $1 scoops of ice cream at Baskin Robbins' dollar scoop night. I couldn't choose between flavors and really wanted both. I wanted them, and I willfully chose to overdo. The fact that the biggest part of my day's eating came late in the day also wasn't good, and right now I am sitting here overly full and with a little regret.

I am anticipating the regret will intensify with tomorrow's weigh in. Life is full of 2 steps forward, one step back, today probably falls under the backwards step.


Today's weight: 217.8

Today's battles: Tuesday evenings are centered around social eating.

Today's better choice: Walked to Taco Tuesday, it's about a mile and a half away and we walked very fast today.

Today's defeat: Too many tortilla chips and a second scoop of ce cream.

Today's victory: When it came time to order tacos I really wanted three but I only ordered two. Neal started to order two and then changed his order to three, I was extremely tempted to up my order too, but I resisted. I felt good.

Leaky Life Preserver

For many years now I have struggled with anxiety attacks. Although my food issues preceded the anxiety attacks, the combination of the two brought the food issues to a new level.

My anxiety, interestingly enough, began at the end of a very difficult season. After 3 1/2 years of extreme stress through the very difficult process of my son's nightmare adoption process, when the dust had settled, I began fighting very bad anxiety attacks. My understanding is that after living a long period of time with heightened adrenaline levels, the adrenal gland can begin to misfire and the sense of "fight or flight" it causes manifests itself in the form of anxiety. You want to kick butt or run and you don't really know why, so your mind begins to run through all the reasons you might be feeling the fear, and then you really do become overwhelmed with the negative thoughts and the anxiety escalates.

This morning I woke to heavy anxiety (the morning tends to be when my attacks occur) and since there is actually a lot going on around here that legitimately is frightening and stress-inducing, it wasn't easy to shake. I spent much of my morning feeling very anxious and had a heavy sense of foreboding. For the near seven years that I have been battling this anxiety, I have often been relying on food for my comfort. The habit is firmly established, and old habits are hard to break.

I had my quiet time this morning with the Lord and part of what my holy conversation with the Lord was today you can read here, but the battle was still very heavy for me against my desire to go to food.

Most of the day I did a pretty good job of putting up the fight, meditating on the scriptures and keeping busy at work, but when I got home and was all alone, I made the mistake of not going back to the Word again when the anxiety rose. Instead I went to food. The problem is, grabbing hold of food as a life preserver, is a mistake, because although it may feel like it holds me afloat for a short time, the reality is there's a leak in it, and eventually, I am still going to sink, possibly deeper and further from a safe place than I would have if I hadn't grabbed hold of it in the first place. I needed to go back to the Lord and have another conversation with the Lord and press through.

Although I was truly hungry and eating dinner shouldn't have been a problem, I needed to wait until the emotions and anxiety had leveled so that I could have more easily stopped after satisfying the physical hunger. Instead the two were still too intertwined, and after my stomach was satisfied, I went to dessert to feed the ache and want in my soul.


Today's weight: 218.2

Today's battles: Was an extremely emotional day for me. Going to food for comfort is a long time habit, it was a huge temptation to resist.

Today's better choice: I gave away my half of leftover sandwich to Jake in his lunch today and only ate a small cup of coleslaw for lunch today.

Today's defeat: Despite my great desire for a second bowl of homemade chicken tortilla soup, I resisted (reminding myself I could have more tomorrow) but the stress of the day finally overwhelmed and I hit the sweets after dinner.

Today's victory: Although I blew it in the end this evening, I did get through the whole day at work without giving into the desire to indulge, the only sweet I had at work today was 2 lifesavers.

Diligence

If you knew there was someone stronger than you in your midst who wanted to harm you, you would lock yourself inside your house and not cease to keep watch over the door until you knew the threat had passed. If you really believed there was a danger, you would be diligent and not relent until you knew you were safe. Whether it was that the threat had left or you had armed yourself strong enough for the defense, you would not relax and lost track of the danger until you felt secure.

My flesh is against me. (Newsflash: yours is too.) At the moment my flesh is still stronger. It is interested in self-satisfaction and not best interest. It lives by the mantra "buy now, pay later." It is short-sighted, selfish and only seeking indulgence. That may sound hyper-spiritual to some, but it's true. Willpower will only get you so far, eventually it will subside. There has to be a better solution to be able to overpower the flesh.

There was a discussion today about my leftover cupcake on Facebook. I was advised to toss it out, even to spit on it. I see the short term wisdom in the advice, but my issue is, the cupcake is not my enemy. There will always be cupcakes and treats and to think I will say "no" to them all for the rest of my life is unrealistic. (Especially since it's my birthday week, haha.) I know my real battle is internal, not external. Food needs to be food, and it is ok to eat the things you enjoy, in moderation.

I went on a date night with my hubby tonight. I only ate half my meal! When I got home I cut the leftover cupcake in half and split it with Neal, those were GOOD choices. But then I crossed the line and made food the entertainment again and brought out the See's candy, and then I, in my relaxed manner, took three pieces instead of one.

I lost track of my flesh. I wasn't beng diligent and I let my guard down. Eating the cupcake, half of it even, wasn't the problem. The problem was that food got out of focus and became more than it's supposed to be. I crossed the line with the candy. I took a few steps more past it when I grabbed, one, two, three pieces. I let the flesh go, and now I am sitting here and anticipating great disappointment when I get on the scale tomorrow.

What I am realizing is that I need to be more diligent. I can't relax. And what I am really realizing is I need to be more diligent in seeking God's help in controlling my flesh. I'm not sure that's been the case so far. I do think the Lord has been helping me, but by His grace more than at my request.

This is only day 6, and I am just beginning to muddle through, but I know if the Lord is not the souce of my strength in this battle, I'm never going to win.


Today's weight: 217.8

Today's battles: My sweet tooth kicked in big time tonight.

Today's better choice: I split my leftover cupcake from yesterday with Neal. (And bonus points that I didn't give in to it last night.)

Today's defeat: After the cupcake I went for the See's candy and had 3 pieces. I felt the regret immediately and physically. (I'm anticipating a bad weigh in tomorrow.)

Today's victory: I only ate one mean today because Neal and I had a date night out to dinner, I truly found true hunger. And I brought half of the meal home.

Being intentional

I knew today would be a challenge. We planned on going to lunch and the movies. Jake really wanted some Long John Silver's and we intended to hit the $2 movie and see Yogi Bear. Talk about a food challenge! Our usual trip to the dollar movies mean a stop at the Sweet Factory - you know, where you buy sugar by the pound? Then we'd add a bucket full of popcorn and a gallon of soda to boot.

Instead we planned ahead with a stop at 7-Eleven after lunch and picked up water to share and a tootsie pop for each one. Tootsie Pops are a good movie alternative because they can last long, but are lower in calories than a candy bar. The movie didn't work out though, so instead we wandered around the mall for while, saying "no" to Cinnabon, saying "no" to See's, saying "no" to Popcornopolis, saying "no" to a wide variety of snacks and treats. Instead we made an intentional stop for cupcakes. It was planned.

Food has been a bondage for me for a long time. Never allowing myself to indulge a little perpetuates that bondage. I could start the Atkins diet tomorrow and easily lose 10 lbs a month, I've done it before, and more than once. But when I do Atkins I become obsessed with food, constantly thinking about my next meal and pleasing my palate. Food shouldn't be an obsession in any circumstance, not even for the purpose of losing weight and getting healthy.

Food is fuel, but I believe God also made it to be enjoyed, but it isn't supposed to be idolized. It's more than moderation, it's a matter of proper perspective. It's matter of keeping food in line with my faith, spirit over flesh and Jesus as Lord of all. I have been doing a lot of praying for the Holy Spirit to be my help, and it's working. The Lord is faithful!


Today's weight: 218.8

Today's battles: Eating is a huge part of being social and entertainment for me so a day of hanging out with family meant battling temptation throughout the day.

Today's better choice: We went out for fish and chips for lunch today and I picked lots of the breading off the fish and didn't eat many of my fries. I practiced moderation.

Today's defeat: I totally indulged in a cupcake, which isn't actually a defeat, but I have a 2nd one waiting in the kitchen, and if hunger shows up at all, I will probably indulge. 2 cupcakes might qualify.

Today's victory: I was intentional in my eating today. Even though I enjoyed some less than healthy options, I did my best to practice moderation. Other than the fatty meal and the cupcake, I haven't had anything else to eat today.

How do you eat an elephant?

Why, one bite at a time, or course!

One bite at a time is how you eat an elephant, and it's also how you don't get as big as an elephant. It's a matter of choosing which way to go, by eating or no and every bite you do or do not take, counts. And for the last couple days I have done a decent job of saying "no" to bites I don't need or are not good for me.

I have dropped 3.8 lbs in these first 4 days. When you are obese (gulp, I hate that word,) weight can come off relatively easy in the beginning. For me that creates the temptation to slack off or even reward myself with food for the good progress. How twisted is that?? But it is the battle of the mind that I face.

It won't always be this much weight coming off this quickly, and the truth is it's not necessarily actual fat, it could just be the lack of excess food actually in my stomach. But the point is, it does reaffirm I am making better choices and at least moving in the right direction. And like the true eating an elephant analogy, if I am careful and consistent moving in this positive direction, I will eventually reach my goal.

I also realize there is still the spiritual aspect to this battle of mine that needs to be addressed. I am working on the practicals, and even making good choices, but if I don't employ more than my own strength and determination, eventually my shortcomings will stumble me. I know because it has happened before.


Today's weight: 218.8

Today's battles: Right now I am battling the desire for "something sweet."

Today's better choice: I bypassed a snack after work.

Today's defeat: I'm probably going to give in to the urge for the sweet when I'm done blogging here. So my defeat is either in thinking that, or worse, it will be in doing it.

Today's victory: I actually found true hunger for a 2nd day in a row! I was busy clipping and organizing coupons and got hungry enough for a dip in my blood sugar. And when I heated up my left over Chinese, I didn't eat it all, I gave the rest to Victoria.

Distraction is a good thing

Today was a strangely non food focused kind of day. My obsessive personality was diverted to better pursuits than stuffing my face. I was focused on saving money and earning a little extra cash. I was busy clipping coupons and signing up for Swagbucks. Food wasn't much of an issue at all. In fact at the end of the day my blood sugar dropped because I hadn't eaten much and I got a little shaky and a bit of a headache. It wasn't a good result, but the cause could be viewed as a positive one. Food was not consuming my thoughts.

Distraction can be a very good thing. In fact, in a way it is the perfect way to deal with temptation. The Bible tells us to flee from idolatry, which is what food for me has become, an idol (gulp.) What else would you call it when I go to food for comfort and consolation instead of the Lord? It's idolatry.

The full passage of scripture says:

No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.
Therefore, my beloved, flee from idolatry. 1 Corinthians 10:13-14

The way of escape is, in essence, distraction. It's moving away from the temptation. But it is not willpower. "I will not focus on food, I will not focus on food, I will not focus on food." All I'm really doing? You got it, focusing on food. What you empty out or take away must be filled or replaced with a better option.

In my case the temptation was food, and the replacement (for today) was thinking about how to take better care of the family finances. It's a small example of a plan of action in battling sin as a whole, move away those things that will drag you down, and move toward Christ and His plan and purpose for your life.

Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. James 4:7


Today's weight: 219.2

Today's battles: Stopping eating my Chinese food at dinner when I was satisfied, before I was full.

Today's better choice: I split a Reese's with Neal instead of eating both peanut butter cups myself.

Today's defeat: I didn't stop eating dinner as soon as I should have, I took a few more bites for the tongue when the tummy was satisfied.

Today's victory: I wasn't food focused at all today, I had other things on my mind and didn't think about food as much, in fact I didn't even keep my food interaction journal today.

Finding hunger

When my kids were babies, I was a big believer in "demand feeding." I wasn't one of those moms who set a schedule and kept it, I waited till they cried and then I fed them. I had a pediatrician who was relentless about having to feed every 3 hours "from beginning to beginning" and it caused a near panic in me when I first brought him home. He was far more interested in sleep than food (boy has that changed!) So I finally went with the demand feeding plan, it made sense, when they were hungry you would feed them.

When they were toddlers I used the same method to deal with picky eaters. I wouldn't cook different meals for every family member, what I fixed they ate. My theory was "when they got hungry enough, they would eat." Unfortunately we did a LOT of fast food eating when the kids were little because first it was how I managed being a working mom when Jake was little, and it was how I handled being an exhausted mom when I had two babies 10 months apart. So picky wasn't often an issue, but when it was, they ate what I gave them, they would always be hungry enough, eventually they'd eat.

Brilliant! But somehow I have completely failed at applying this principle to my own life. I eat because something sounds good, or I eat because "it's time." I eat because it's tied to fellowship. Or I eat in response to any number or emotional reasons. Basically, I eat and eat and eat, and I have eaten so much that true hunger is actually hard for me to recognize.

Finding hunger shouldn't be a difficult task. Like a gauge for a gas tank, I should be able to recognize the signs of true hunger, but I'm not. It has been so long since I waited and ate because I was truly hungry that now I struggle with the signs. But God designed the body to give signals, and the bottom line is, I have to learn to read them again, and food can return to it's proper position as fuel for my body instead of a sedative for my soul.


Today's weight: 220.4

Today's battles: Finding true hunger.

Today's better choice: I brushed my teeth before sitting down to write this blog and watch TV with Neal to reduce my temptation to have a snack, especially since Jake is making homemade cookies right now!

Today's defeat: Focused on food for over an hour trying to figure out IF I should eat, and WHAT I should eat. It was too obsessive.

Today's victory: Walked to church tonight (3 1/2 miles) and had over 6,300 "aerobic" steps.

The blog I never wanted to write

In September of 2009 I hit my maximum weight of 243.6 lbs. I could barely walk up the single flight of stairs at my work without getting completely winded. I was horribly out of shape and miserable. I put myself on the Atkins diet and lost 30 lbs by the end of the year. On January 1st I broke out the Wii Fit that I had bought for my husband's birthday in October and began a daily work out routine. By the time my birthday came along in the end of March I was down another 12 lbs. For my 40th birthday I felt the best I could remember in more than a dozen years.

My daily workouts remained consistent into the summer and my weight got as low as 196 lbs. I was fitting into clothing that hadn't fit in a very long time, and I felt great. Summer schedules challenged my workout schedule, and my September I was no longer working out consistently.

In September my weight was back up to about 209 lbs. I participated in a week of prayer and fasting with my church and lost 8 lbs in a week, but the weight came back on pretty quickly, and after the week of fasting, it was as though I had unleashed a beast and my obsession with eating and food intensified to an incredible level.

In September and through the holidays I would try to get back on the workout regimen, but I never got back the consistency I had at the beginning of the year. When this new year began, I started a commitment to read my bible every day. The reading plan I am using is large enough that it requires that I read both in the morning and at night. As important as my physical health is, I knew that choosing to exercise my spirit was a better goal for the new year, which meant morning workouts were no longer possible.

My 41st birthday is 11 days away. After feeling better than ever at 40, having lost weight, feeling strong from working out, I am facing my 41st birthday in a very different condition. I have gained back a great deal of the weight I lost and my body is stiff and aching again. Much of my strength is gone, and I sometimes find myself getting winded again.

As of this morning, on the scale I weighed 222.6 lbs. It created a bit of panic in me being so close to only 20 lbs from where I was at my worst. Realizing I have gained more than 20 lbs in the last 8 months makes me realize how great I am at risk for reaching my worst again. I can't let that happen.

I am writing this blog to make myself accountable. In the last couple weeks I have tried to reincorporate physical activity. I have started walking again and am also trying to do my yoga workouts that I used to do with the Wii Fit on my own. I cannot bring myself to actually get back on the Wii yet because I can't bear to hear it tell me how much weight I have gained since the last time I used it. I am ashamed of myself.

One thing I have come to realize is that the root of my weight issues is not physical, it is spiritual and emotional. I can physically do what is necessary to take off weight, I have proven that. What I have not been able to do is keep it off. And the reason is that food is being used as more than fuel. It's comfort, entertainment, a sedative, even a tempre tantrum. It is completely out of balance and I have to get victory over it.

This morning when I stepped off the scale I knew I had to do something drastic to make myself accountable to fighting till I find victory. I have to fight to lose.

I could do Atkins, but it's an exchange of one bondage to another. I am in bondage to food, choosing that kind of diet just limits the foods I am in bondage to. When I am on Atkins my thoughts are consumed with my next meal, the next thing I can eat. Even though I chemically cause my body to burn fat, I am still in bondage to food. God made food to be enjoyed, and I know there is a freedom to be found in eating and having a healthy weight.

I know there are many great books out there, and I intend to read some of them, but this is moe than that, it is a spiritual warfare for me and I have to gain the victory.

In addition to this blog, right now I am carrying a little notebook around with me and writing down every interaction I have with food. I am focusing on the feelings connected to food, when I eat or when I think about eating and choose not to. Today I had 15 different "food interactions." I didn't actually eat 15 times, but the temptation to do so was there. Some days I will share specifics of the "food interaction" journal, others I will not. I will share the victories and I will share the defeats.

The purpose of this blog is for me to fight to lose, not just the weight but for my flesh to lose to my spirit. I have to fight this fight. And I have to lose. John the Baptist prayed a prayer, "may I decrease that You may increase." That is my prayer right now, but it has taken on a whole different meaning.

Follow me, join me, pray for me, root me on - I'm in it, the Fight to Lose.


Today's weight: 222.6

Today's battles: 15 "Food interactions."

Today's better choice: I walked the mile and a half to Taco Tuesday.

Today's defeat: Ate a piece of See's candy as a "reward" after school even though I wasn't hungry. Ate chips mindlessly while at Taco Tuesday in response to stress.

Today's victory: Only ate 2 tacos at Taco Tuesday (Usually eat 3) and only had one scoop of ice cream at Dollar Scoop night (I usually eat 2). So far am also resisting another piece of See's even though I want one.