A losing battle

I don't even know what to name this post.  "Stalled" is appropriate, but it's been used.  Stumbled may be a better option.

My determination for 60 days of strict diet and daily exercise has gone completely by the way side.  I made it a full month before I blew the diet aspect, but the exercise has fallen apart over and over again.  My shoulder has been a part of that problem, along with a full schedule and a little lack of desire.  I've just lost a little of my drive.

Last week I threw my hands up in the air and after 30 days of being strict to the diet I cheated and I cheated big, and then I cheated repeatedly. My will and intention was "just a couple days" but I ended up putting back on 3 of the 9 pounds I lost over the 30 days.  There is something about the "taking a break mentality" that leads to sort of a drunken sailor on a three day pass result.  I don't just enjoy a few things but I eat like there's no tomorrow, and like if I don't eat it now it will never be there to be eaten again.  It's the sick root that has created two decades of struggle with food. 

Even looking at the scale and suffering the "above 190" blues doesn't stop me.  It's like unleashing a beast, and it's the battle that has been driving me crazy for years. 

I am frustrated that I couldn't even get through my 60 days. Chalk up another failure.  And I am frustrated that I still really don't want to stick to the low carb effort.  Sometimes it just gets old and hard, even though it honestly is the best option for my body.  Just today I don't have the drive.

Tomorrow is my anniversary, and it's a Mother's Day weekend as well - I just want to enjoy a couple treats without guilt. Food and celebration, another battle. 

I am stuck.  Today I ordered a supplement.  I don't know if it's wise or foolish, but I just feel like I need to shake things up somehow.  I don't know if I'm on the diet or if I'm not.  I am frustrated.

I've lost 53 lbs which is only about 2/3 of the way to my original goal.  But I am seriously wondering if I can EVER even reach my goal without the luxury of a full time opportunity to do so ala Biggest Loser. Which by the way, I am no longer heavy enough for.  But I feel like a different kind of big loser in my failure to get anywhere near my goals. 

I don't know what to do.  Today I don't have the will or the drive to be "low-carb."  And today my shoulder is still interfering with my exercise.  I think I'm going to start walking again?  My knees hurt to, I don't know what to do.

I think today is just a really bad day.   This is why this blog is titled what it is - "The Fight to Lose," because it is without a doubt a FIGHT - and today it feels like a losing battle!  (There it is, the title for this post...)