The hardest part

Sigh.

I am hopeless and pitiful, and at the bottom end of "The Fight to Lose" once again. 

In the beginning of April I made a commitment to stick to a strict regimen for two months.  After (my own personal) March Madness I had put some weight back on and I needed to get it off as well as continue to work toward my goal.  I made a good effort throughout the month of April, and got back down close to where I was before March.  Then May hit and I stumbled again.  And in the first three weeks of the month I have fallen back down worse than where I was at the beginning of April!

This is how I gained 50 lbs in two years - and here I am facing my weakness and inadequacy right in the face again, back up over a number I swore I never would be. Failure.

Well, I suppose it's only failure if I continue on the path.  But I am having a hard time NOT continuing down it.

For the last few days I have been trying to be "good" in the non-"low-carb" sense just counting calories, but the scale continues to creep up.  I've also noticed that I FEEL like HELL!  Achy, tired, stiff.

My shoulder pain has been at the core of my issues.  I haven't been able to work out because of my shoulder.  When I can't work out I get discouraged and it gets hard to stick to the diet, then when I stumble in the diet I slip down the slippery slope and the weight comes on.

I've been in a lot of pain for the last few days, but I noticed today that it's a different ache, and it's not just in my shoulder (though it hurts too) - but it's in my joints, especially my elbows and my knees.  And so today it occurs to me, I think the source of it is the carbs I've been eating.  I think the aches and pains are my body reminding me that I need to eat low-carb because of my body, not to lose weight, but to live healthy.

I wish I could hold onto a sensory memory of how I feel right now - tired, a headache, aches in my elbows, knees, neck and BOTH shoulders so that when I am tempted to indulge in simple sugars (both refined AND natural) I would remember it's not worth it!  (That's why I'm blogging, so I can look back at this and remind myself.)

I'm going to be honest, I'm still not mentally and emotionally committed to getting back on the horse.  I'm looking toward a week of dinner plans and I don't want to be bound by the low-carb lifestyle. It's not easy all the time.  BUT...

It's what is healthy for me to keep my insulin resistance in check and to feel strong and energized.  It's the only way for me to lose OR keep off weight. 

The hardest part about the fight to lose (and keep it off) isn't fought in the physical, it's in the emotional and spiritual that the battle is won or lost.  And the body willfully follows right after the mind and spirit.

I've got to find my "want to," again, and it has to stand up stronger than all the things working against it, sore shoulder and all.