A rope ends wherever you tie the know (in my pretty little head anyway.) and I am tying my knot in the diet rope right here and now.
When to put on a pair of sweats for a late night walk and being tied from the last time I wore them, they were tight. T.I.G.H.T. I headed into my bathroom, grabbed my tape measure and the news was undeniable, I have put a couple INCHES back on!
I knew my clothes felt a little tight, and I felt myself gravitating toward a few of my larger items. I stood right at the top of that slippery slope. I have been here before and tumbled horribly! And I refuse to slip any farther than I already have.
So, no more I'll start Monday... next week... etc. I am back in the saddle post haste.
Goodbye carbs. I cannot afford to play with you, I must bid you farewell.
The knot is ties and I am climbing back up the rope toward my goals. I pray the damage is undone quickly and I intend to seek the Lord and His strength to make the right choice. I don't ever want to be trapped inside that fat girl again!
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
The hardest part
Sigh.
I am hopeless and pitiful, and at the bottom end of "The Fight to Lose" once again.
In the beginning of April I made a commitment to stick to a strict regimen for two months. After (my own personal) March Madness I had put some weight back on and I needed to get it off as well as continue to work toward my goal. I made a good effort throughout the month of April, and got back down close to where I was before March. Then May hit and I stumbled again. And in the first three weeks of the month I have fallen back down worse than where I was at the beginning of April!
This is how I gained 50 lbs in two years - and here I am facing my weakness and inadequacy right in the face again, back up over a number I swore I never would be. Failure.
Well, I suppose it's only failure if I continue on the path. But I am having a hard time NOT continuing down it.
For the last few days I have been trying to be "good" in the non-"low-carb" sense just counting calories, but the scale continues to creep up. I've also noticed that I FEEL like HELL! Achy, tired, stiff.
My shoulder pain has been at the core of my issues. I haven't been able to work out because of my shoulder. When I can't work out I get discouraged and it gets hard to stick to the diet, then when I stumble in the diet I slip down the slippery slope and the weight comes on.
I've been in a lot of pain for the last few days, but I noticed today that it's a different ache, and it's not just in my shoulder (though it hurts too) - but it's in my joints, especially my elbows and my knees. And so today it occurs to me, I think the source of it is the carbs I've been eating. I think the aches and pains are my body reminding me that I need to eat low-carb because of my body, not to lose weight, but to live healthy.
I wish I could hold onto a sensory memory of how I feel right now - tired, a headache, aches in my elbows, knees, neck and BOTH shoulders so that when I am tempted to indulge in simple sugars (both refined AND natural) I would remember it's not worth it! (That's why I'm blogging, so I can look back at this and remind myself.)
I'm going to be honest, I'm still not mentally and emotionally committed to getting back on the horse. I'm looking toward a week of dinner plans and I don't want to be bound by the low-carb lifestyle. It's not easy all the time. BUT...
It's what is healthy for me to keep my insulin resistance in check and to feel strong and energized. It's the only way for me to lose OR keep off weight.
The hardest part about the fight to lose (and keep it off) isn't fought in the physical, it's in the emotional and spiritual that the battle is won or lost. And the body willfully follows right after the mind and spirit.
I've got to find my "want to," again, and it has to stand up stronger than all the things working against it, sore shoulder and all.
I am hopeless and pitiful, and at the bottom end of "The Fight to Lose" once again.
In the beginning of April I made a commitment to stick to a strict regimen for two months. After (my own personal) March Madness I had put some weight back on and I needed to get it off as well as continue to work toward my goal. I made a good effort throughout the month of April, and got back down close to where I was before March. Then May hit and I stumbled again. And in the first three weeks of the month I have fallen back down worse than where I was at the beginning of April!
This is how I gained 50 lbs in two years - and here I am facing my weakness and inadequacy right in the face again, back up over a number I swore I never would be. Failure.
Well, I suppose it's only failure if I continue on the path. But I am having a hard time NOT continuing down it.
For the last few days I have been trying to be "good" in the non-"low-carb" sense just counting calories, but the scale continues to creep up. I've also noticed that I FEEL like HELL! Achy, tired, stiff.
My shoulder pain has been at the core of my issues. I haven't been able to work out because of my shoulder. When I can't work out I get discouraged and it gets hard to stick to the diet, then when I stumble in the diet I slip down the slippery slope and the weight comes on.
I've been in a lot of pain for the last few days, but I noticed today that it's a different ache, and it's not just in my shoulder (though it hurts too) - but it's in my joints, especially my elbows and my knees. And so today it occurs to me, I think the source of it is the carbs I've been eating. I think the aches and pains are my body reminding me that I need to eat low-carb because of my body, not to lose weight, but to live healthy.
I wish I could hold onto a sensory memory of how I feel right now - tired, a headache, aches in my elbows, knees, neck and BOTH shoulders so that when I am tempted to indulge in simple sugars (both refined AND natural) I would remember it's not worth it! (That's why I'm blogging, so I can look back at this and remind myself.)
I'm going to be honest, I'm still not mentally and emotionally committed to getting back on the horse. I'm looking toward a week of dinner plans and I don't want to be bound by the low-carb lifestyle. It's not easy all the time. BUT...
It's what is healthy for me to keep my insulin resistance in check and to feel strong and energized. It's the only way for me to lose OR keep off weight.
The hardest part about the fight to lose (and keep it off) isn't fought in the physical, it's in the emotional and spiritual that the battle is won or lost. And the body willfully follows right after the mind and spirit.
I've got to find my "want to," again, and it has to stand up stronger than all the things working against it, sore shoulder and all.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
A losing battle
I don't even know what to name this post. "Stalled" is appropriate, but it's been used. Stumbled may be a better option.
My determination for 60 days of strict diet and daily exercise has gone completely by the way side. I made it a full month before I blew the diet aspect, but the exercise has fallen apart over and over again. My shoulder has been a part of that problem, along with a full schedule and a little lack of desire. I've just lost a little of my drive.
Last week I threw my hands up in the air and after 30 days of being strict to the diet I cheated and I cheated big, and then I cheated repeatedly. My will and intention was "just a couple days" but I ended up putting back on 3 of the 9 pounds I lost over the 30 days. There is something about the "taking a break mentality" that leads to sort of a drunken sailor on a three day pass result. I don't just enjoy a few things but I eat like there's no tomorrow, and like if I don't eat it now it will never be there to be eaten again. It's the sick root that has created two decades of struggle with food.
Even looking at the scale and suffering the "above 190" blues doesn't stop me. It's like unleashing a beast, and it's the battle that has been driving me crazy for years.
I am frustrated that I couldn't even get through my 60 days. Chalk up another failure. And I am frustrated that I still really don't want to stick to the low carb effort. Sometimes it just gets old and hard, even though it honestly is the best option for my body. Just today I don't have the drive.
Tomorrow is my anniversary, and it's a Mother's Day weekend as well - I just want to enjoy a couple treats without guilt. Food and celebration, another battle.
I am stuck. Today I ordered a supplement. I don't know if it's wise or foolish, but I just feel like I need to shake things up somehow. I don't know if I'm on the diet or if I'm not. I am frustrated.
I've lost 53 lbs which is only about 2/3 of the way to my original goal. But I am seriously wondering if I can EVER even reach my goal without the luxury of a full time opportunity to do so ala Biggest Loser. Which by the way, I am no longer heavy enough for. But I feel like a different kind of big loser in my failure to get anywhere near my goals.
I don't know what to do. Today I don't have the will or the drive to be "low-carb." And today my shoulder is still interfering with my exercise. I think I'm going to start walking again? My knees hurt to, I don't know what to do.
I think today is just a really bad day. This is why this blog is titled what it is - "The Fight to Lose," because it is without a doubt a FIGHT - and today it feels like a losing battle! (There it is, the title for this post...)
My determination for 60 days of strict diet and daily exercise has gone completely by the way side. I made it a full month before I blew the diet aspect, but the exercise has fallen apart over and over again. My shoulder has been a part of that problem, along with a full schedule and a little lack of desire. I've just lost a little of my drive.
Last week I threw my hands up in the air and after 30 days of being strict to the diet I cheated and I cheated big, and then I cheated repeatedly. My will and intention was "just a couple days" but I ended up putting back on 3 of the 9 pounds I lost over the 30 days. There is something about the "taking a break mentality" that leads to sort of a drunken sailor on a three day pass result. I don't just enjoy a few things but I eat like there's no tomorrow, and like if I don't eat it now it will never be there to be eaten again. It's the sick root that has created two decades of struggle with food.
Even looking at the scale and suffering the "above 190" blues doesn't stop me. It's like unleashing a beast, and it's the battle that has been driving me crazy for years.
I am frustrated that I couldn't even get through my 60 days. Chalk up another failure. And I am frustrated that I still really don't want to stick to the low carb effort. Sometimes it just gets old and hard, even though it honestly is the best option for my body. Just today I don't have the drive.
Tomorrow is my anniversary, and it's a Mother's Day weekend as well - I just want to enjoy a couple treats without guilt. Food and celebration, another battle.
I am stuck. Today I ordered a supplement. I don't know if it's wise or foolish, but I just feel like I need to shake things up somehow. I don't know if I'm on the diet or if I'm not. I am frustrated.
I've lost 53 lbs which is only about 2/3 of the way to my original goal. But I am seriously wondering if I can EVER even reach my goal without the luxury of a full time opportunity to do so ala Biggest Loser. Which by the way, I am no longer heavy enough for. But I feel like a different kind of big loser in my failure to get anywhere near my goals.
I don't know what to do. Today I don't have the will or the drive to be "low-carb." And today my shoulder is still interfering with my exercise. I think I'm going to start walking again? My knees hurt to, I don't know what to do.
I think today is just a really bad day. This is why this blog is titled what it is - "The Fight to Lose," because it is without a doubt a FIGHT - and today it feels like a losing battle! (There it is, the title for this post...)
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