Oh my word.... I am STRUGGLING!!!!
February was a tough month for me, both boys birthdays and lots of celebrating, it was probably worse than the holidays for me. And to be honest, I'm just a little bit worn out from eating low carb and try to watch my weight.
March came with new resolve but it was weak... oh so weak. And before long I abandoned it altogether. I gave myself a pass for the month of March. It's my birthday month, after all, what harm can a little celebrating do?
The answer to that question can go many ways. Not much is a completelty viable answer, as long as I keep my focus and don't go crazy. Unfortunately, that's NOT what's going on.
The answer to the question "How much harm can it do?" Is "A WHOLE HECK OF A LOT!!"
Actually it was just yesterday that things went really wrong, but boy oh boy, it's such a fight! (Hence the title to this blog.) I have to come to terms with the fact that despite having lost over 50 lbs, I still have a lot to overcome on the battlefield of the mind.
My intention has been to allow myself to just lay aside the "low carb lifestyle" for a few (more) weeks. That doesn't have to be a bad thing, but the problem is the longer I'm "free" the more I lose the mindset of loosened restrictions and exchange it for a "free for all" eat as much as I can in as short a time as possible. And I end up having crazy binging days like I did yesterday. Days like I am trying to hold myself back from today. Too many days like this will be a fast track back to the plus size lifestyle that I so desperately don't want to be a part of.
There are so many key choices that I am not being diligent in.
(1) Don't have the temptation handy. - A craving filled "devil may care" walk through Trader Joe's brought all kinds of things into my office and I consumed way more than was even reasonable.
(2) Don't listen to your body. - I didn't have to go pick up a pizza last night just because I was "craving" it. And I definitely didn't have to buy the large, especially when I was the only one home. No, I didn't eat the whole thing or anything, but I still ate more than I should.
(3) LISTEN to your body. - Last night after eating myself way above the full meter I still ate a little more because Neal brought home a treat. Yes, I said no to the fries, but I didn't pass on his dessert, and I didn't need it. It didn't even feel good to eat it! But I did anyway.
(4) Don't drink your calories. - I am REALLY good about not drinking my calories when I'm focused on the low carb lifestlye (because all caloric drinks are carb filled drinks.) I stick primarily to iced tea and water, but now I'm stopping once or twice a day at Jack in the Box for PEACH iced tea, DOUBLE syrup because it tastes good, and it also raises my sugars, has lots of excess and unnecessary calories and creates a carb craving in me that I need to avoid.
(5) Get rid of the now or never mindset. - The truth is, the food should be able to be said "NO" to. It's not as though I can't have it later, or never. I eat like if I don't I'm going to be missing out on something, or like the opportunity to have a Creme Brulee Bruxie (the dessert I should have passed on last night) is never going to come up again.
See? I know the rules. I KNOW how to be a thin eater and take care of myself, I'm just not doing it. And I get on the scale and I'm up three pounds in a day! Three pounds that can take a week or more to lose, IF I'm doing things right!
3 years ago when I tutrned 40 I found myself at this exact place. I was feeling great after losing a lot of weight, but something happened and I plummeted down hill working my way back up to my highest weight ever. Next Tuesday I will turn 43 and I'm at this crossroads again. I have GOT to get my head on straight and get my act together!
March has been a month of madness, my own personal worst kind, and I can't let it continue. I may not go back on low-carb eating till after Easter as I originally planned, but I HAVE to set these wise rules back in action in order to not completely undermine the effort and success I've already had. I can't do it in my own strength, apparently, so I need to right my focus, grab hold of my God and remember that I need to get it together because it's the right thing to do, it's the best way to honor my God and it's the best possible birthday gift I can give to myself.
Help me Father, in Jesus' name!
Friday, March 22, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
The War
It's been a while since I posted here. Mostly because it's been a while since I actually made any progress. It's pretty depressing, and I find myself at a bit of a crossroads.
Three years ago this month when I celebrated my 40th birthday I was feeling great. I had lost about 35 lbs, was working out regularly and looked and felt better than I had in years physically. At the same time I was at probably my lowest point spiritually than I had been since I rededicated my life to Christ in 1992. I heard myself in a conversation right around that time and I said "Jesus will always be there, right now I am going to put all my focus on my physical health, my spiritual health can wait." Boy was I standing on a dangerously slippery slope that day. I look back at that girl and I want to slap her and ask her, what in the world was she thinking?
The truth is, she was thinking all about self. And by were here priorities out of whack. She had freely exchanged the Rock foundation for sand. What a fool, she actually thought she could succeed (at anything) on her own? It wasn't long after that that everything went to hell in a hand basket. All her personal efforts fell completely apart and by summer I started putting weight back on and over the next two years I put on 52 lbs and landed at the heaviest and most unhealthy place I'd ever been in my life. The rotten on the inside squeezed out into my everything.
But God in His grace did recapture my heart. I righted my heart toward Him. The next year might have been my best year spiritually since I'd come to Christ, reading through the whole Bible in a year, falling in love with God's Word again, letting go of every distraction. God did a lot in my spirit over the next year, even if my body went to pot.
Last year the two worlds finally collided, and while holding on to Jesus with both hands and all my heart, I set out to get my body right as well. From June to December I took off over 50 lbs, but the battle between body and spirit and the priorities for both has begun again.
I learned a hard lesson, I will never (with God's help) ever put my physical health above my spiritual well-being ever again. With God's help, with God's help, in Jesus' name with God's help... I definitely learned one thing, never think myself above a stumble!! Maybe that's the REAL lesson I learned!
Anyway, I've been struggling again, but it's a different kind of struggle. It's no longer the flesh against the spirit-- no, now that the two of them finally seem to be lined up, both the flesh and the spirit seem to be under attack. Truthfully, that fight can cause a fight between them though, and I find myself desperately battling between the two. It's like a marriage, the flesh and the spirit. When under stress or attack they can do one of two things come together or turn on each other. Lately, it's been fighting times, both under attack the spirit and flesh are going after each other.
It's pretty simple to address the issue, when flesh rises against spirit, the one who's been "eating" the best will win. Warning though, if you're just lackadaisical the flesh is being fed all the time even if it isn't intentional, and it will rise up against the spirit, and even if it doesn't win, it will give it one heck of a beating. That's what's been going on with me.
My body is broken, working out hasn't been going on because of it. My wherewithal and resolve to stick to the diet have been weak at best (there is ALWAYS a reason to postpone the diet till tomorrow.) Last night I was watching The Biggest Loser, and I listened as the final 5 contestants talked about never going back. I have not headed that direction, but the risk has been high. A month ago I felt great working out while I watched BL, two weeks ago guilt crept in as I sat and stuffed my face watching the same. Last night I sat plotting a trip to 7-Eleven for a candy bar (I ate 2 the night before) and I decided I didn't want to go back either. I got up and ran on the trampoline while I watched the BL contestants fight for their goals.
I'm 67% of my way to the goal I set back in June when I hit my bottom and headed back on the track to getting healthy mind, body AND spirit. I'm just a couple pounds below where I was when I fell painfully backwards three years ago. I don't want to go there again. I took a good step the right direction last night, but I've got a lot of steps to make if I want to make the other 33% to goal. I want it, but I've got to want it more, and I've got to want to do it with my focus right and gripping to my Savior. He is my salvation and my hope, not just in the "end" but all along the way. I really hope I can get there! Lord help me!
Three years ago this month when I celebrated my 40th birthday I was feeling great. I had lost about 35 lbs, was working out regularly and looked and felt better than I had in years physically. At the same time I was at probably my lowest point spiritually than I had been since I rededicated my life to Christ in 1992. I heard myself in a conversation right around that time and I said "Jesus will always be there, right now I am going to put all my focus on my physical health, my spiritual health can wait." Boy was I standing on a dangerously slippery slope that day. I look back at that girl and I want to slap her and ask her, what in the world was she thinking?
The truth is, she was thinking all about self. And by were here priorities out of whack. She had freely exchanged the Rock foundation for sand. What a fool, she actually thought she could succeed (at anything) on her own? It wasn't long after that that everything went to hell in a hand basket. All her personal efforts fell completely apart and by summer I started putting weight back on and over the next two years I put on 52 lbs and landed at the heaviest and most unhealthy place I'd ever been in my life. The rotten on the inside squeezed out into my everything.
But God in His grace did recapture my heart. I righted my heart toward Him. The next year might have been my best year spiritually since I'd come to Christ, reading through the whole Bible in a year, falling in love with God's Word again, letting go of every distraction. God did a lot in my spirit over the next year, even if my body went to pot.
Last year the two worlds finally collided, and while holding on to Jesus with both hands and all my heart, I set out to get my body right as well. From June to December I took off over 50 lbs, but the battle between body and spirit and the priorities for both has begun again.
I learned a hard lesson, I will never (with God's help) ever put my physical health above my spiritual well-being ever again. With God's help, with God's help, in Jesus' name with God's help... I definitely learned one thing, never think myself above a stumble!! Maybe that's the REAL lesson I learned!
Anyway, I've been struggling again, but it's a different kind of struggle. It's no longer the flesh against the spirit-- no, now that the two of them finally seem to be lined up, both the flesh and the spirit seem to be under attack. Truthfully, that fight can cause a fight between them though, and I find myself desperately battling between the two. It's like a marriage, the flesh and the spirit. When under stress or attack they can do one of two things come together or turn on each other. Lately, it's been fighting times, both under attack the spirit and flesh are going after each other.
It's pretty simple to address the issue, when flesh rises against spirit, the one who's been "eating" the best will win. Warning though, if you're just lackadaisical the flesh is being fed all the time even if it isn't intentional, and it will rise up against the spirit, and even if it doesn't win, it will give it one heck of a beating. That's what's been going on with me.
My body is broken, working out hasn't been going on because of it. My wherewithal and resolve to stick to the diet have been weak at best (there is ALWAYS a reason to postpone the diet till tomorrow.) Last night I was watching The Biggest Loser, and I listened as the final 5 contestants talked about never going back. I have not headed that direction, but the risk has been high. A month ago I felt great working out while I watched BL, two weeks ago guilt crept in as I sat and stuffed my face watching the same. Last night I sat plotting a trip to 7-Eleven for a candy bar (I ate 2 the night before) and I decided I didn't want to go back either. I got up and ran on the trampoline while I watched the BL contestants fight for their goals.
I'm 67% of my way to the goal I set back in June when I hit my bottom and headed back on the track to getting healthy mind, body AND spirit. I'm just a couple pounds below where I was when I fell painfully backwards three years ago. I don't want to go there again. I took a good step the right direction last night, but I've got a lot of steps to make if I want to make the other 33% to goal. I want it, but I've got to want it more, and I've got to want to do it with my focus right and gripping to my Savior. He is my salvation and my hope, not just in the "end" but all along the way. I really hope I can get there! Lord help me!
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