A New Low

Today is day 172 of my lifestyle change/ weight loss efforts. It's a big day for me because I actually find myself LOWER on the scale than I did when I lost so much weight two years ago.  I think it's likely that this is the lowest I have been since before my baby girl was born at the end of 2001.  I can't say that without absolute certainty because I wasn't one to weight myself for a lot of years because the numbers were so disheartening, but I do know it's the lowest I have been since my 40th birthday.

It's exciting for me because I have so much more balance in my weight loss this time.  Taking care of my body has its proper place in my life.  When I lost the weight at 40, I honestly think I was teetering on the edge of a midlife crisis.  There was an obsessiveness to the process and it wasn't completely for the right reasons, I was very hung up on how I looked, and who might be looking at me than I was about my overall health and well-being and feeling good.  This time the looking good (or better) is just a bonus, and not a focus.

When I lost all the weight the first time I was obsessively rolling out of bed every morning, every morning, to work out on the Wii Fit.  Morning workouts aren't a problem per se, but I remember a conversation with a friend at one point where I told her, "God will always be there, right now I need to focus on me and my body." Um, what?  Hello, danger!  Danger!  It wasn't very long after that that my weight loss efforts completely fell apart and I began the process of putting back on the 50+ lbs that I gained before this current effort to lose weight and get healthy in God's strength and not my own.  I put those 50 lbs on in 2 years.  I wonder if my friend wasn't praying for my perspective to get right.  If she was, I am grateful because I know I walked right up to and contemplated walking down a very dangerous path.

In that season of my life working out became like an addiction.  I remember finding myself in a hotel gym at 6 in the morning on a weekend trip with my husband because I HAD to work out, HAD TO.  It was compulsive and unhealthy.  I was on a marriage retreat weekend and focusing completely on me.  That's a person I don't want to be.

Am I proud of this weight loss?  Yes, I am. But I refuse to be PRIDEFUL IN this weight loss.  I know it's not about anything other than honoring God in my body.  I know it's by HIS power that I am able to have balance and make good choices, work out when I can, but never before or in lieu of spending time with the Lord.  The only thing I find myself being regimented in these days is spending time with Him.  I don't even roll out of bed without prayer, the Word and or journaling to Him.  And every day I pray, "Lord help me lose the weight, but help me keep it in the right perspective. And NEVER let me become full of myself in the process."

I have been open and shared a lot about this weight loss/ lifestyle change process because I want to encourage others.  With God's help ANYONE can do it.  And if you do it with Him, it is a journey worth taking.  All glory to Him!

As of Day 172 I have lost 50.9 lbs; I've lost 3" in each of my arms; 9" in my chest; 13" in my waist; 9" in my hips; and 5" in each of my thighs.  That's 62 1/2% way to my weight loss goal and a total of 47 inches.  That's less than 6 months, only 24 1/2 weeks, and I feel like a new person.  It took two things, saying "Yes" to God and allowing Him to be Lord of my body, the food I eat, and how I care for myself, and then taking the first step with my hand in His.  It's totally worth it, and again, ALL glory to Him!!!

Subtracting carbs

One of the biggest challenges I find in low carb dieting is family meals. In the early part of the diet I typically just go off on my own as far as meals go and don't try at all to eat with the rest of the fam. Sometimes they suffer the consequences though, lots of sandwich nights and frozen pizzas. It gets old quick.
Feeding a family low carb if they aren't eating strictly low carb isn't wise. The meals are often high in fat and calories, which is fine of you're low carb and in ketosis, but not great from a regular diet.
So the key to family meals when I'm dieting is to try to modify for myself subtracting the carbs. Beef stroganoff? Reserve a little meat and mushrooms before adding the sauce and noodle portions and mix a little sure cream in.
I've shared a picture of a family meal this week that I modified. It's not exactly a low day healthy option, but it's a great quick meal before church on a Wednesday night.
I cooked 5 sweet italian sausages as directed on the package. I took 3 whole sourdough rolls and 1/8 of another roll. I buttered the bread and sprinkled it with mozzarella and parmesan and broiled it. In a bowl I warmed about 1/3 cup of spaghetti sauce and spread it on the 3 whole rolls. I put a single sausage on each roll, for the family, dinner is served!
For my low carb option I took the remaining 3 sausages, cut them up, sprinkled them with the mozzarella and parmesan as well and stuck it under the broiler to melt the cheese. Then I serve it in the bowl that I warmed the sauce in so there us just enough to add a little flavor and I serve it with the little piece of cheese bread just to have the taste.
One meal cooked, two different styles, low carb and quick!

Holidays

It's a hard time of year to diet, but it's also a dangerous time of year not to set clear boundaries to keep from moving backwards in your weight loss/ life change goals.

I took the week before Thanksgiving off. I let myself break away from the low-carb regimen to enjoy holiday treats, but not eating low-carb meant having to pay more attention to portion sizes and calorie counts. I'm happy to report at the end of the week/ ten days off I was at the same weight after. 

I've had trouble getting back into ketosis this last week. Even eating primarily low-carb because I didn't go all the way back to hardcore induction phase of Atkins, I never got beyond small or trace ketosis. By the weekend I was discouraged enough I splurged and had some frozen yogurt with toppings at the movies yesterday.

Now the decision is do I try to get back on track tomorrow (because I made a yummy stew tonight) and do low-carb for three weeks till Christmas, or do I try to lose weight the old-fashioned way, eating less and moving more.  I did still manage to lose weight last week, so it might be a legitimate option.

It's encouraging to be moving the right direction on the scale even with more freedom in my eating because it gives me hope for real maintenance when I eventually reach my goal. Food is finally taking it's proper place in my life with God's help.

I'm trusting God will help me make the right choices to keep the scale dropping this holiday season.

The Fall Apart

This coming Monday will mark week 20 on my quest toward my weight goal that's 81.2 lbs below where I began.  Counting every 4 weeks as a month, I've lost right around 10 lbs/ month over the first 4 months. But as month 5 comes to a close, I've only lost about 3 lbs these last four weeks.

What's hardest about that realization is that it's been the last month that I've really taken my efforts to a higher level, working out harder and more often, even throwing (gulp) RUNNING into the mix. So working that hard with such significantly smaller results is a big bummer. And for those of you "inches vs. pounds" folk, my waist hadn't shifted on the last month either. And for you who want to warn me it gets harder as you get closer, I'm not THAT close. And no, I'm not buying into "muscle weighs more than fat" either, something is just not working. I've hit a wall.

To top it off, I learned some bad news today, I'm STILL a emotional eater. And today in my discouragement I fell back into some old habits and tried to eat my frustration.

I started the day out ok, Atkins bar in the morning, a little mid-morning popcorn and a little salami and cheese with bruschetta for lunch, then everything went down hill. First it was one cookie, and a piece of candy, then a second cookie, then three more. Feeling the panic of my decision I took some carb blockers hoping to curb the damage.

I made the mistake of buying the cookies at Trader Joe's. When I'm in a good place one little cookie with only 5 carbs isn't a huge problem, but 20 more cookie carbs, 8 from the candy, and it puts the whole popcorn serving at issue, especially when in the midst if the cookie debacle I finished off more than half the bag.

I went home even more discouraged knowing I was willfully shooting myself in the foot. It didn't stop me grabbing a tootsie roll out of the Halloween candy bowl when I got home though. It's like credit cards, once you use them, it's easy to use them again. Once you fall off the diet wagon it's easy to stay down and roll around in the dirt.

Tomorrow when I get on the scale I will have surely made matters worse. This is where I become painfully aware of the end of my willpower and how short it falls in the requirements to get to my goal.  I need to get some strength outside myself and get back on track. I can't let today's fall apart be the end of my journey toward my goal.

Low-carb Salsa Chicken Salad

Ingredients:
3 large chicken breasts (boneless, skinless)
Lg bag of favorite salad base
2 12oz jars of your favorite salsa
1 8oz package shredded cheese, mexican blend
1 medium tomato, diced
8 oz sour cream (optional)
Low-carb salad dressing (optional)
Doritos tortilla chips

Directions:
Cook chicken breasts in 1 1/3 jars (16 oz) of salsa in crock pot on low for 8-10 hours. Shred chicken when fully cooked.
Place chicken on a plate of salad mix (picture is traditional iceberg salad, I prefer dark greens but was cooking to my family's palette.) Top with 2-3 tbs of shredded cheese and 2-3 tbs diced tomatoes. To with either your favorite low-carb dressing or some of the remaining salsa and a dollop of sour cream. To keep it low-carb crush 2 Doritos chips on top. For the non-carb-counters feel free to crush up a whole handful, the flavor is great. But if you're eating low-carb, you'll want just enough to taste. There are about 3 carbs in the 2 chips. One thing I would add next time would be half an avocado sliced up, it would have been the perfect low carb complement to the meal.

Enjoy!

Progress So Far

Weight Loss Weeks 4-18 - Free Slideshow Maker

The Low Carb Fudge

Ok, so the title is a little mean because this post isn't about tasty fudge, but "fudging" to get something tasty.

A huge part of maintaining the low carb lifestyle is finding ways to satisfy high carb cravings without the carbs. It isn't easy, and may not be as good as the real deal, but you can find yummy alternatives.

Tonight I share one of my fudging techniques on a favorite high carb meal.

I love a hefty bowl full of cinnamon Life cereal with fresh raspberries and ice cold milk. The raspberries are ok on the low carb lifestyle but the milk and cereal are big no-no's. So what's a low carb eater to do?

I bought an individual Carb Master (Ralph's/Kroger brand) vanilla low carb yogurt, I cut up 5-6 raspberries in small pieces and mixed them together. Then I took 3-4 PIECES of Cinnamon Life cereal and crumbled it on top. It's enough for the flavor with very minimal carbs.

That's a great key to low carb eating, just enough for the taste! Make every carb worth it!! (Sorry if the pic is sideways, the challenge of blogging from one's phone.)

Stalled

So I've hit another plateau.

I hit the halfway point of my 81.2 goal a couple weeks ago. Then I dropped like 3 lbs in a weekend, but it was "medically" induced. And when my (being purposely vague) "issue" subsided, I gained 2 lbs back. I'm at 205.6 (not the 204 on the chart above) and I've been there almost a week, EXACTLY half way between where I started and where I WANT to be.

And I've lost my mojo. My desire has completely waned.

I've had a couple conversations in the last week, pumped, encouraging others, feigning my own determination, but it's been a total facade. I'm practically on the brink of giving up.

I've pushed the envelope the last couple days with my eating choices. More than once I've commented to my intention to "cheat a little" for the purpose of "shocking my system" to get things "moving again." But it doesn't feel true when I say it. Either way I've tested "trace" consistently for ketosis for several days.

I feel like I'm holding on to the last stand of my diet plan and my good intentions, and it's unraveling in my hand.

I'm looking at myself and I see this girl who's going on an important journey. She's halfway there and she's just plopped on her bum, alone in the middle of the desert, halfway. She can't stay there, or she won't, anyway. The decision has to be made, get up, press on, move forward; or amble backwards from whence she came.

But I don't want to go back.

This is how I know I cannot do this in my own strength, so I am begging God to help me. I did it in my own strength before, and then I gained 53 lbs in two years. FIFTY-THREE POUNDS!  That is what willpower got me, that saturated with impure motives, and a little personal idolatry.

I'm frustrated. Discouraged. Frightened. Desperate. I need God's help, because I can't stay here, because no matter how much better it feels than where I WAS, it's not good enough. I don't want to set up camp here in the middle of the desert.

But I'm stalled.

I need God to give me a jump. Because right here is where "The Fight to Lose" is really won or lost. There is no partial victory, and I cannot settle for a modified loss. I've got to run the race. But I need God's help to do it.

Low Carb Favorite

OK, today I am going to share with you one of my FAVORITE low carb tools/ treats. Are you ready?  Drumroll please....

Now let me elaborate, I am NOT a bread person.  Bread is quite possibly one of the easiest things me to give up.  But then I discovered this little gem! 

First thing I want to direct you to is the serving size.  Most bread considers 1 slice to be a "serving" (though if the world settled for half sandwiches perhaps we'd all be thinner.) This offers both a single slice or double slice serving.  And 2 slices is only 90 calories and more importantly 14 "net" carbs.  That is amazing!

This bread, on top of it's great numbers, has great texture and flavor.  When I shared it with my dad (who is diabetic) he breathed it in and said "it smells like real bread."  This comes from a history of low carb breads that are dry, flavorless and quick to spoil.  This bread has NONE of those challenges! 

Today I had a sandwich for lunch, I added turkey (no carbs); swiss cheese (<1 carb) with mayonaise, and mustard (no carbs) and a slice of tomato (negligible) and HALF an avocado (about 2.5 "net" carbs).  It was delicious!  And it totaled less than 18 carbs, not bad for a meal in the ongoing weight loss phase!

I also love grabbing a slice of this bread and putting a couple spoonfuls of Trader Joe's chicken salad (3 carbs) and folding it like a taco.  It's a great quick snack and in that case only has about 10 carbs. 

This bread has been a real godsend to me. I've actually started buying it for the whole family because it has considerably less sugar and calories for the non-carb counting family members.  This bread is amazing and I give it my highest recommendation for helping to maintain a low-carb lifestyle, it's delightful!  Hey, maybe that's where they got the name!  ;)

Indulge

A friend of mine is embarking on a  low carb diet. Everybody and their brother (or at least all my Facebook friends) knows I'm converting to a low carb lifestyle and on a serious quest to shed my pounds. My friend however has more class than I do and isn't outing herself to the world.

But there other day there was a hint about her making some weight loss effort, just a tongue in cheek comment about trying to overcome the allure of a french fry. And because I know about her weight loss goals, I told her to "step away from the french fries." But most of her other friends offered a different kind of encouragement, and it got me to thinking.

The Facebook feed was filled with comments like  "you deserve it, go for it;" "enjoy!" or "a little won't hurt;" and "moderation over deprivation!!" And the truth is  they all probably had sincere, loving motives to encourage my beautiful friend, but I think it's thoughts and comments like those that helped me get 81.2 lbs overweight!

I gave myself permission, dare I say the "right" to indulge over and over again. The big meal, the creamy gooey dessert, the cookies and milk in the wee hours of the night, they were all rights or rewards and slowly food became so much more than fuel for my body.

Now I'm not saying we shouldn't enjoy what we eat, but it shouldn't be in lieu of good judgment, or at the expense of our health.

Indulging in what I "deserved" had a lot of consequences: FAT, high blood pressure, fatigue, yeast growing on my skin, not being able to get off the couch, much less up the stairs without being wiped out. Not to mention years of hating myself for how I looked, how I felt. Years of avoiding the camera because I didn't want to remember how I looked.

The picture of me with my oldest son on his graduation day is humiliating. It was the final straw for me that changed my mindset from the "right to indulge", to the right to become the person I want to be: a woman with self-control, strength and wisdom.

The truth is, choosing to "step away from the french fries" is a step toward a healthier, happier, much more satisfying life. I'm going to indulge in my right to become the healthy happy person I want to be, inside and out.

Day 100

Down 35.2 lbs
2" loss in each arm
4" loss in chest
6" loss in waist
5" loss in hips
3" loss in each thigh

Flat

No, I'm not talking about my abs, we're far from that goal (and actually not sure that is technically even a goal) I'm talking the line in my weight loss chart, it is not moving at all.  I've been at the same weight (overall) for a week and a half, I have hit my first infamous plateau.

OK, truth be told, plateau's are to be expected, and it has been week 12 (and now into week 13) that the scale has stopped moving, unless you count a brief  +.2/-.2 shift over the hump of last week.  Stepped up and stepped right back down.  Now I feel like I'm in a Mexican stand-off with my scale!

The really hard part to swallow is I have been SO GOOD this last couple weeks.  I have been staying solidly "in purple," and I've even stepped up my exercise.  Last week I got exercise all five days of the work week, and four of those days I would label the intensity as high, I was sweating bullets!  But so far in this standoff, the scale seems to have the upper hand.

Plateaus are inevitable, and the truth is, they have to be redefined as a call to "Press on!"  But they are also extremely frustrating. Everyone has their advice: "Kick it up a notch," or "Mix it up." Well I have, and still I am at this plateau.  But this I know, I have two options, stop here, or keep moving.  "Stop here" isn't even an option.  In the big picture, the reality is, I have a lot further to go than I have even already come.  That's not to belittle the progress I've made, it's just an honest assessment of the fact that I still have a whole lot further to go.

If I ever have any hope of the "flat" in my life to be used to described my abdomen, then I have to walk through the flat seasons of life to get there... or maybe I will work towards running through them... or swimming... or "Just Dance"-ing along the way. One way or another I know the motto must remain, I PRESS ON!!!!

Labor Day, 11 Weeks

Progress photo.

Making Every Bite Count

Eating low-carb has both its benefits and its challenges, and sometimes it's a juggling act to work through them.  If someone is eating low carb temporarily for the purpose of weight loss, the key is no cheating, you don't make exceptions in your diet that will thwart your weight loss goals.  On the other hand if you (like I am trying to do) are shifting towards a "low-carb lifestyle" then you have to find the magical balance of the eating choices you need to make without feeling like you have confined yourself to a prison where all cupcakes, ice cream and even most fresh fruits are banned. 

There are some serious pluses to the low-carb diet.  If you are eating the "right foods" (for the diet) you have more freedom in quantity (go for the 14 oz steak over the 10); frequency (yes, you CAN have another snack between meals) and even time (dinner at 9 pm?  No problem!)  On the other hand, if you're looking at low-carb as a method to a shorter term goal, then these are some really bad habits to create. 

But that's not my case.  I am trying to resign myself to the low-carb lifestyle, which means on a somewhat permanent basis I will be saying "no" to the goodies I love-- cupcakes, candy bars, fresh hot bread, NOT a regular part of my future.  No, I will not say "no" to everything, but birthdays will mean a single cupcake rather than a dozen.  It will mean that when I "cheat" or step outside the boundaries of my diet plan, or even when I'm pushing the boundaries a little, it's got to be worth it.

I've been on the diet practicing the low-carb lifestyle for nearly 11 weeks.  I'm deep enough into the ketosis process that I have more leeway in how many carbohydrates I allow into my regular diet.  Over the last few weeks I have had a couple (really small) cookies or a larger handful of popcorn and my blood sugar (ketosis) has not been effected.  I'm realizing I am able to stay in the fat burning process with more carbs in my diet.  Most days I still ail for the 20-30 carb range, but I don't have to keep constant tab (it becomes instinctual) and if I decide to stretch the boundaries, I'm not thwarting my weight loss efforts.

One thing I have learned and determined is when I do take in carbohydrates, especially if I am pushing the limits a little, I want to make every bite count.  Sometimes it means smaller portion, for example, dying for chocolate? I bought a Trader Joe's chocolate bar. The bar itself has is a 12 sectioned chocolate- the WHOLE bar is considered 3 servings (therefore one serving equals 4 sections). There are 10 net carbs in a serving (30 in the whole bar- organic dark chocolate) so rather than eating the whole bar, or even a whole serving, I ate a single square, which comes out to about 2.5 net carbs.  I eat it in very tiny bites, and I let it melt in my mouth rather than chew it.  It makes it last longer, and I eat less and it has a minimal effect on my blood sugar and ketosis. (This is actually a good plan no matter what kind of weight loss program you're on, eat less by eating slower and it's not just fewer carbs, but also calories and fat grams.  This is something I am trying to teach my kids who are not eating low-carb.)

Another important aspect is to find the "lowER-carb" treats that satisfy your cravings. It means a LOT of label reading.  And it means math, like figuring out your net carbs and servings. And it means eating carbs that make it worth it.  If I take a bite of something that has carbs in it and I don't like it, you know what? I don't take a second bite.  And sometimes I spit out the first bite I took.. If it isn't worth it, I don't waste it.  I'm not going to let my goals be hindered by bites that aren't worth it. 

I have a challenge this weekend.  The International Street Fair in Orange, CA starts tonight.  Let's just say it is a tribute to bad eating, 4 good blocks filled with all kinds of delectable delights to the tongue: roasted corn on the cob, gyros, big bratwursts, the biggest and best California rolls. But the biggest treat for me is Loumadkes-- they are the most delicious, indescribable treats. They're SORT OF like pancake balls, but different, smaller, fried (of course) and drenched... I said DRENCHED in this delicious honey based syrup.  Did you hear what I said? Carbs, carbs, carbs, carbs and then more carbs.  There is no carb blocker around big enough or strong enough to counteract the carb level we're talking here. 

So the question?  Is it worth it?  The answer honestly, is, "I don't know." Once a year these treats are available, and they are my absolute FAVORITE.  Could I eat JUST ONE of the balls (that they pile like 20 into a serving?) I don't know.  But I have to decide. If I push aside my carb limits, will I regret it?  Or if I don't will I be sorry I have wait another year to indulge?  I don't know.  There is probably nowhere I can look up the carb content on a (large) serving of Loumadkes.  So I have to decide.  I have to make sure whatever I do, I'm making every bite count.

Below are some "worth it" bites I recommend for someone well into the ketosis process on low-carb.

These treats have only 9 (coffee latte) and 10 (mango or raspberry) net carbs.  

These are some great craving satisfiers, creamy and sweet.

These pants (pictured below) fit tightly when I started the diet. 

I have to look often at photos like these and remind myself exactly why I am doing what I am.

10 Weeks - Day 70

 Today is day 70, 10 weeks from when I started.  The weight continues to come off slowly but surely. 

I'm being open and sharing a little secret, since about week four I have been taking "progress" photos.  Think of it as a reverse of the classic "baby bump" photos so popular on Facebook.  Except I'm NOT posting them all on Facebook.  If you look closely enough on this blog page, however, you can find where they are located and mull over my deepest darkest not-so-secret secrets. 

The truth is, I feel a lot thinner than the pictures actually reveal, but I am 1/3 way to goal (just about, if you round up.) 10 weeks went rather quicjly, and if I think about 20 more weeks to goal, that doesn't sound so bad.  Of course there's no guarantee of that, but a girl can dream, right?  IF (and I know it's a big "if,") I could be hitting goal right around the middle of January.

In this photo the most noticeable thing is the difference between my chest and my "gut," not compared photo to photo so much, be in each pic, things are standing out more, if you get my drift. Oddly rnough I think my backside looks bigger in the newer photo, but maybe my legs being smaller are just accentuating?

Body to body, the 15 (almost) pound difference is somewhat negligible.  But the purpose of the photos will be a comparison to note when we get to pictures at 15, 20, 25 and 30 weeks hopefully (and however many after that it actually takes to get to goal.) The loss difference in chest, waist and hips is a little over 2 inches in each area.  (Which is also sort of discouraging since the percentages of change were greater in the first 4 weeks than in the 6 that are shown here.) 

The important thing is the movement has been in the right direction and relatively constant. These pictures will eventually be a "where I was" memory that causes my "Wow!" comments, and will also stand as warnings about where I don't want to go again. 

Not where I want to be, but not where I was.... so I press on! 

A Somewhat Typical Low-Carb Day

I thought I would share a day of low-carb eating that is relatively typical for me. I know lots of folks picture hunks of meat and cheese eaten in a true caveman fashion but that doesn't have to be the case.

This was my eating for today, all added up I stayed below 30g of carbohydrates which is great!

Typically for breakfast I eat an Atkins bar. Today I had the Dark Chocolate Coconut Crunch bar which is my 2nd favorite. It reminds me a little of an Almond Joy that's got more crunch than coconut, a little on the chewy side. It has (as the label shows) only 3 net carbs. (Chocolate Hazelnut is my favorite for those of you wondering.)

Mid-morning I grabbed a handful of Trader Joe's White Cheddar Popcorn. A fistful is only about 1/4 of the 2 cup serving size, so when you do your low carb math (carbs-dietary fiber x serving size portion) it comes out to about 3 net carbs. This popcorn (in small portions) is a great solution to texture craving for me.

For lunch I cut up 2 pieces of low-fat string cheese (negligible in carbs) and spooned 2-3 tbsp of Trader Joe's bruschetta. It's a great little lunch or occasional late night snack and only has around 3 net carbs.

Although I have lost most of my physical sugar cravings, I do still have a sweet tooth and the Atkins Nutty Fudge Brownie is an acceptable fill. It's by no means a real brownie, but on the diet it works.

For dinner I made my family meatball subs. I took 2 sauced meatballs with minimal sauce and added 2 more meatballs without sauce and a scoop of canned diced tomatoes. I cut the meatballs up into small pieces and melted cheese on top. These were frozen meatballs and had some fillers so they had 6 carbs/ serving. If you made your own, you could reduce the carb count. All told, this dinner was about 8 carbs.

One of my favorite things to eat on this diet is Ralphs CarbMaster brand yogurt. There are several flavors I'd recommend and one of my favorite is the Carrot Cake flavor. I add some walnut pieces for texture and a dollop of whipped topping (Cool Whip or the store bought equivalent) that gives it a dessert feel.  (I also recommend the vanilla flavor with fresh blueberries.)

As far as drinks go, my primary fluid intake is brewed iced tea and water. Sometimes I'll add a sugar free Hawaiian Punch drink mix to my water. I also have a bottle of Diet Mountain Dew every other day or so. I'm not usually a soda drinker, but on this diet I tend to more but none of my carbohydrates come from fluids, though I am working towards a day that I'm going to "splurge" on a glass of non-fat milk which I miss tremendously.

On that note, I also take vitamins daily to keep my diet better balanced. In addition to a good multivitamin I take both calcium +D and potassium because those are the biggest deficiencies in the low-carb lifestyle. If you ever feel a leg cramp on this diet, you're probably not getting sufficient potassium.

So there it is, a somewhat typical low-carb day.

A Somewhat Typical Low-Carb Day

I thought I would share a day of low-carb eating that is relatively typical for me. I know lots of folks picture hunks of meat and cheese eaten in a true caveman fashion but that doesn't have to be the case.

This was my eating for today, all added up I stayed below 30g of carbohydrates which is great!

Typically for breakfast I eat an Atkins bar. Today I had the Dark Chocolate Coconut Crunch bar which is my 2nd favorite. It reminds me a little of an Almond Joy that's got more crunch than coconut, a little on the chewy side. It has (as the label shows) only 3 net carbs. (Chocolate Hazelnut is my favorite for those of you wondering.)

Mid-morning I grabbed a handful of Trader Joe's White Cheddar Popcorn. A fistful is only about 1/4 of the 2 cup serving size, so when you do your low carb math (carbs-dietary fiber x serving size portion) it comes out to about 3 net carbs. This popcorn (in small portions) is a great solution to texture craving for me.

For lunch I cut up 2 pieces of low-fat string cheese (negligible in carbs) and spooned 2-3 tbsp of Trader Joe's bruschetta. It's a great little lunch or occasional late night snack and only has around 3 net carbs.

Although I have lost most of my physical sugar cravings, I do still have a sweet tooth and the Atkins Nutty Fudge Brownie is an acceptable fill. It's by no means a real brownie, but on the diet it works.

For dinner I made my family meatball subs. I took 2 sauced meatballs with minimal sauce and added 2 more meatballs without sauce and a scoop of canned diced tomatoes. I cut the meatballs up into small pieces and melted cheese on top. These were frozen meatballs and had some fillers so they had 6 carbs/ serving. If you made your own, you could reduce the carb count. All told, this dinner was about 8 carbs.

One of my favorite things to eat on this diet is Ralphs CarbMaster brand yogurt. There are several flavors I'd recommend and one of my favorite is the Carrot Cake flavor. I add some walnut pieces for texture and a dollop of whipped topping (Cool Whip or the store bought equivalent) that gives it a dessert feel.  (I also recommend the vanilla flavor with fresh blueberries.)

As far as drinks go, my primary fluid intake is brewed iced tea and water. Sometimes I'll add a sugar free Hawaiian Punch drink mix to my water. I also have a bottle of Diet Mountain Dew every other day or so. I'm not usually a soda drinker, but on this diet I tend to more but none of my carbohydrates come from fluids, though I am working towards a day that I'm going to "splurge" on a glass of non-fat milk which I miss tremendously.

On that note, I also take vitamins daily to keep my diet better balanced. In addition to a good multivitamin I take both calcium +D and potassium because those are the biggest deficiencies in the low-carb lifestyle. If you ever feel a leg cramp on this diet, you're probably not getting sufficient potassium.

So there it is, a somewhat typical low-carb day.

Low Carb Basics - Keto-what?

Ketosis. 

Definition: the abnormal accumulation of ketones in the body as a result of excessive breakdown of fats caused by a deficiency or inadequate use of carbohydrates. Fatty acids are metabolized instead, and the end products, ketones, begin to accumulate. This condition is seen in starvation, occasionally in pregnancy if the intake of protein and carbohydrates is inadequate.

Sounds scary, right?   Well it might be, but focus on this line right here: Fatty acids are metabolized. This is the point of the low carb diet, when you give up carbohydrates, your body begins to metabolize your own stored fat for the energy needed.  And you lose weight. 

Low carb diets are NOT for the thin, they are for the fat.  And if you don't have a wealth of fat stored (that I assume you want to get rid of) then don't do a low carb diet (unless you are living at a healthy "critical carb level" and only slightly in ketosis.)

Wait, slightly?  Yes, slightly, there are LEVELS of ketosis, and for me personally, knowing this is the best gauge for me on how I am doing with the diet.  Sometimes the scale moves slowly and I wonder "Am I doing this right??"   And for me the ability to "pee on a stick" for reassurance works well. 

Below is a picture of "testing for ketosis." Ketostix can be bought at pretty much any drug store.  Reli-On is the least expensive I have found and is carried by Wal-Mart.  Ir's a box of 50 for about $7.00.  How long 50 sticks lasts for you depends on how frequently you test.  I test typically between 3 and 5 times per day, depending how I am eating on a particular day.  The more carbs I'm eating, the more frequently I test to verify they're effect, because being knocked "OUT of ketosis" is actually detrimental to the diet.

Typically I run in the "moderate" range.  The test above was after an entire day at the beach eating very little and getting a lot of exercise swimming in the ocean.  "Eating less, moving more" has the same effect on burning fat as it does on burning calories, so I tested "large" on the ketosis scale.  I was able to eat a few more carbs later for dinner with a smaller effect because of it.  (This is why exercise is good for any diet.)

If your test stick shows any level of positive, from trace to large, you are burning fat and moving in the right direction in your weight loss.  Trace however will create a very small effect.  Trace to small is the "zone" one would want to live in in the maintenance portion of weight loss.  For active weight loss, you want at least small, but moderate to large will show the greatest effect on the scale and in your waistline. 

The important thing to know/ remember about ketosis is you have to commit to the diet. You cannot move in and out of ketosis and have a successful weight loss.  If you are eating the higher calorie, higher fat foods that work and are allowed in a "low-carb" diet and are bouncing in and out of ketosis , you WILL gain weight.  So be careful to resist the temptation to think just a "handful of MnMs" or a "small piece of cake" won't effect you.  In a calorie counting diet you might be able to get away with little slips like that, but in a low-carb diet, you cannot go there.  The good news, once you get past induction, most sugar cravings fade greatly or even disappear. (Your tongue may still crave a treat, but your body will not have the hankering for sugar.)

For me this testing option is one of the best plus sides to low-carb dieting.  I can test myself at any time to reassure myself I am burning body fat and therefore losing weight.  All I have to do is pee on a stick. :)

Low Carb Basics - Counting Carbs

For those interesated in following a low carb diet or lifestyle for weight loss and eventual basis, I thought I would share a few basics. 

First of all it's important to know HOW to count your carbs.  When you first start a low carb diet you have to spend about two weeks on an extremely low carb level, less than 20 grams of carbs per day.  This phase of the diet is call "induction" on the Atkins diet, but the concept is the same no matter what plan you are following.  You cut your carbs to that low level for a period of 2 weeks in order to begin the chemical process of "ketosis."

Ketosis is when your body ceases to burn carbohydrates for energy and burns instead your fat reserves.  After induction each person has to find their own "critical carb level" to continue the stages of weight loss, pre-maintenance and eventually maintenance.  Testing for ketosis (you pee on a stick) you can monitor how your body reacts to carbohydrates.  Some people will have to stay low, taking in only 25-30 NET carbs per day.  Other folks can tolerate as many as 60-70 carbs per day. Trial and error is the only way to discover the answer, and of course the fewer carbs anyone takes in, the faster the weigh tends to come off, but even more so, you will lose inches faster than pounds. 

So I said it NET carbs?  What exactly is a NET carb?  It's the carb count low carb eaters need to concern themselves with.  Certain carbs, specifically dietary fiber and sugar alcohols do not have a profound effect on blood sugar or the ketosis process. 

In induction you want to stay extremely low, so you should stick to (lean) meats and cheese, eggs and beyond that a salad is all you should incorporate during the first two weeks, and by salad I mean lettuce , a little tomato and either a couple tbs or Ranch, or oil and vinegar dressing.  Basic salad, but hold on tight things will get better after the first two weeks.

Once beyond induction you can begin to try more foods.  You should 5-10 carbs (to each day) a week at a time as you discover how many carbs you can tolerate and still lose weight.  So that means week 3 you're looking to be between 20-30 carbs, and week 4 30-35 carbs per day.  When you're no longer testing in the darker phase of ketosis then you need to lower your carb intake again, and be warned "sugar carbs" are the worst of all.

 

Here's an example of how to figure out your net carb count.  What we have here are 3 items I put together to make one of my favorite desserts/ treats. The three items above are Ralphs brand CarbMaster yogurt Carrot Cake flavor.  I top it with a scoop of Ralph's equivalent of "Cool Whip" (which is also low carb) and a tbs of walnuts.

The yogurt (left) has 4 NET carbs.  The total carbs = 4 and there is no dietary fiber or sugar alcohol to deduct.  The second photo is of the whipped topping (real whipped cream is NOT a low carb alternative, it has a lot more sugar in it). Likewise there is nothing to deduct from the carb count, it's total NET carbs is 2.
Then we add the walnuts (photo on the right). Total carbs = 4, BUT we DEDUCT 2 carbs for "dietary fiber." So the walnuts actual NET carbs are 2 (4 total - 2 dietary fiber.)  So the entire carb count for the "treat (which is quite yummy by the way) is 8 NET carbs. 

That's how you count carbs.  Typically most meats (unless they are processed or are treated with sugars or syrups) have no carbs.  Hard cheeses (cheddar, swiss, provolone, etc.) are negligible, <1 g. Be careful of sandwich meats and thinks like prepared tri-tips, you HAVE to read the labels.

OK, that's our first lesson.  Come back soon for more. :)

2 Months, 20 lbs

The photo on the left is my son's high school graduation. I will forever regret my condition in that picture. I have a huge distance to go, but I wanted to see my actual progress. I pray that picture will be the LAST of the "worst photos, and the pic on the right will be a step of change along the way. I at least don't mind the "look" and don't cringe when I see it. I will take it FOR NOW.

TWENTY

It's like a mile marker along this journey. The "20 lb" weight loss. It took 51 days to get here, which seems sort of long, but when I do the math (because I am a "do the math" kind of girl) I am actually losing 2.75 pounds per week, which is actually a very good rate. Wii Fit only recommends a pound per week, so you know, I'm ahead of the game.

At some point today I want to go to the grocery store. I don't want to buy anything, I just want to go in the frozen section and pull out a 20 lb bag of ice and pick it up for a minute. It's a great hands on example for me of exactly what I've lost. (Though I wish it melted more like ice.) When I put my skirt on this morning it was looser, noticeably so. I definitely FEEL better, but the truth is, when you have 80 pounds to lose, 20 is not evident in appearance. No one else is really noticing the loss, so for me, going in and grabbing that bag of ice will actually reinforce the sense of accomplishment.

Yes, that's right, I said 80 lbs, actually 81.2 is my original goal. I'd like to get down to a weight about 12 lbs above where I was when I got married. Maybe it's a lofty goal, perhaps too lofty, and maybe I will find the skin sags and the effort won't accomplish it, or even be satisfied at an early mile marker, but for now, it's the goal I have set - 5 lbs more than what my driver's license says, and my aim.

I could dream that it means only another 153 days, but I know the pace of loss will ebb and flow, and only get harder as I get closer, but at least i can hope that by my birthday next March I might be able to buy myself some new clothes. Time will tell, for now, I press on.

Day 49

I'm not thrilled with this photo, I have a looonnnnnggg way to go, but I have to find the little victories in the journey.

I tried these capris on at the beginning of summer and there was about 4 inches between button and button hole. This top is pinned at the breast because at one point it stretched to the point you could see flesh between button holes because it was so right. Now it's laying flat, no stretch, that's progress.

I look forward to less chins and someday swimming in these pants. I'm not where I want to be, but this photo is a marker that I'm also not where I was. I press on!

Ham & Asparagus Omelette

8 asparagus, top half, cut in pieces
6 slices oscar meyer deli fresh honey ham, chopped
Garlic powder
2 tbs margarine or butter
3 eggs, whisked
1 slice Swiss cheese

Put asparagus and butter in medium frying pan, season with garlic powder to your liking (I use about 4 strong sprinkles). Coat asparagus thoroughly and cook covered over medium heat til asparagus starts to darken. Add ham and let it begin to crisp (less than 2 minutes). Pour eggs over/through it and let then cook. When bottom is cooked, flip egg mixture over. When almost completely cooked reduce heat and lay Swiss cheese on top. Cover till cheese melts then serve.

I made it up as I went along and it turned out great, very delish. My guess (educated) is between 5-7 carbs total at most. It was very filling and a great low-carb meal.

What's Worth It

I've been moving toward changing my lifestyle for 45 days now. I'm trying to refer to it as a lifestyle change rather than a diet beca
use diets are temporary and my success with the diet mindset always has been too.

45 days in, I'm 16.something pounds down and I've lost 5 inches off my waist and 3 1/2 off my hips. I've lost inches everywhere. It's slower than I'd hoped for, but it's nothing to scoff at.

I've been working out some, but not religiously. Two years ago working out was like an idol and my focus on my physical appearance was way out of balance. So I find myself being careful but wanting to be active, balance the key.

There have been some victories, managing to participate in social functions and not partaking of the foods that are going to hinder me reaching my goals. I have to keep reminding myself the moment of indulgence isn't worth it, but when I reach my goals all the times I made a better choice will have been totally worth it.

Tonight I'm struggling with wanting something sweet. I said "no" to ice cream and my all time favorite cookies at Bunco. I have "sweet" low carb snacks that would be "ok" to eat, but I'm trying to resist to giving in because (1) I'm not actually hungry, it's a taste craving, not a hunger; and (2) it's never a good idea to eat late st night.

Granted with low carb eating it's less critical than a regular diet to monitor when you eat, but I'm trying to move toward better habits all around. It's those little things that will help me be successful in the long run. It's not satisfying now, but eventually it will be worth it. What's worth it, that's got to be the focus.

Once I get to where I want to be, I don't ever want to face down another huge opponent in the fight to lose. My opponent is shrinking, and I want that to continue til it disappears for good, because that's what's worth it.

Day 35

The diet (which will transition to a lifestyle) is on Day 35, and the discouragement is HEAVY!  I have had people say to me, "You didn't gain it quickly, you can't expect to lose it quickly." But here is my problem.  I DID gain it quickly.  On my 40th birthday just 2 years ago, I was a good 40 lbs lighter than I am today-- and that means more than 50 lbs lighter than when I got back on this brutal horse of mine.  I GAINED 50 lbs in 2 years! (Hangs head in shame.)

My discouragement comes today because I am completely out of ketosis, and I have no idea why.  I was good yesterday!  And I worked my butt off all day Saturday cleaning house.  I've reimplemented exercise into my routine, and somehow, somewhere I had to have let some carbs slip by, because I am not the fat burning machine I was a week ago.

On the upside, after several days at a standstill. the scale finally made a little shift.  It's not much, but at least it was in the right direction.  (See the ticker above the posts on this blog for the current progress.) I'm trying to be excited about being in the "60's" for my "weight to go." Not going to lie, it's a challenge to get excited about it.  I did have one MAJOR victory last week though.  I went away with a group of girlfriends for a fun weekend and did not blow the diet at all.  It was a carb filled weekend and I managed to stay on track.  That gives me hope for the future and the ability to make low-carb a lifestyle and not just a weight loss plan.

I DO feel better. I realized that when I woke up yesterday with some new aches and pains it was because I was working out my arms the day before.  I have lost 5 inches in my waist and 4 in my hips as well as loss in my thighs and chest, so that's a good thing. The pants I'm wearing today are a little loose, so that's all preogress. Trying really hard to keep my eye on the prize, but I thought it would go faster.  I HOPED it would.  It's not, but I press on. 

Low Carb Yumminess

Day 10

I've been "low-carbing" it for ten days. On day 6 I was down 7lbs, but I haven't dropped anymore since. But I can comfortably wear a pair of pants that had gotten pretty tight. That's the thing about Atkins and other low-carb diets, you lose inches faster than pounds.

I took (very large) body measurements on Saturday, I'll monitor those too for better encouragement. The best part about the ketosis response to cutting carbs is that I can pee on a little "stick" and be encouraged. I know if it turns any shade of pink or purple, my body is burning fat. The darker the better of course, but I'm staying mostly in the middle of the scale, but that's consistent fat burning, so I'll take it.

I'm trying to stay under 20 carbs a day, which is a challenge, but not impossible. The good thing about low-carb is you can find something to eat almost anywhere.

I'm happy to say that the Atkins meal bars have improved a lot. The Atkins treats are good too, but I have to limit my intake. The excess sugar alcohol does funny things to a tummy.

Three things that are really helping me are:
(1) a favorite snack - Trader Joe's bruschetta. A couple tablespoons with a piece or two of string cheese cut up in it.

(2) a simple dessert - sugar free jell-o  the classic brand or even a store brand with a spoonful of Cool Whip on top. (It has to be Cool Whip, whip cream has more carbs.)

(3) a yummy recipe - chicken legs and thighs marinated in italian dressing for a couple hours, then dipped in dry parmesan/romano cheese (the kind on the can used on spaghetti). Bake it in the oven at 375 for an hour -delish! I'm sure you could use breasts, but I'm a dark meat girl. They might need to cook longer unless you split them.

These are just a few of my thoughts. Check back, I'll be sharing more tips and progress reports.

Surrender

I started the Atkins diet back up yesterday. I have avoided doing for many months, and many more pounds. In my mind, it's a defeat. It's like coming to the point of admitting I don't have what it takes to get the weight off any other way. It feels like surrender.

But almost 48 hours in, I already feel significantly better. Lighter. It's not weight loss  it's just my body feels less weighed down.

The truth is, Atkins works for me. I have issues physiologically speaking that avoiding carbs and sugar make better.  I know there are a thousand naysayers who are anti Atkins but results don't lie.

Sunday, my last carb day I loaded up on potatoes, bbq beans, and brownie ice cream sundaes. When we got into the pool, I felt awful, not just fat but thick. If you don't know that feeling, it's hard to explain, but if you do, you can feel my pain.

When I eat low-carb/no carb, I lose that feeling. Granted, I have a lot... A LOT of weight to lose, but when I cut the carbs and sugars, I actually feel like maybe there is hope that I can get the weight off. I have the strength to move and get off the couch.

It's not easy, but maybe it's not surrender (or failure) after all. Maybe it's just recognizing that sometimes what we want doesn't line up with what actually is. The important thing is moving toward the change I desperately need.

Depression

Depression.

What it looks like: For me it looks like a lack of drive. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to go to church. I don't want to get off the couch, not even to get up and go to bed at the end of the night. I don't want to cook for my family. I don't want to pray or read my bible or write in my journal. What depression looks like for me is not wanting to do anything.

What it sounds like: Yes, depression has a voice. Sometimes, maybe most of the time, it's a voice inside of my own head, but it's talking is incessant, and it has nothing good to say. It tells me that people don't care, that friends don't call or connect because they're not really my friends. In the midst of transition it comes with the subtext that says they've abandoned you. Other times it says they were never your friends and what you thought was a relationship wasn't even real. Both of these scenarios make me feel foolish. This voice also speaks words of rejection, constantly. It tells you people don't like you, it makes you wonder what the meaning behind people's words actually is. And this is when the voice of depression comes out of other mouths. Criticism equals rejection, even when it's constructive. And things light a slighted handshake, or a funny look scream judgment, even if it's only in my own head.

What it feels like: Do you remember the Peanuts character "Pigpen"? When I think about how depression feels for me, that's the best word picture I can come up with. That cloud of dirt that floats around Pigpen may dissipate, he might run quickly and you won't even see it until he slows down again, but it's still there. That's what depression feels like, it has good days and bad, and some days it looks like it's not even there, but it is, it's lingering, and as soon as you slow down, it catches up to you. Maybe that's why for me at least, waking up is the hardest. Still, lying in bed, I just don't want to move. I wish the day wouldn't start and that I didn't have to face it. It feels like pulling the covers over my head and going back to sleep would be the best possible plan for the day, with only short "field trips" to the refrigerator where I make bad eating choices and eat myself beyond capacity.

Good days: I'm fortunate, most of my days are good days simply because my life still takes precedence over my feelings, and I can't succumb to the desire to stay in bed in the morning. I'm a wife and a mom and I have a job. I have to get out of bed; there are children to taxi, bills to pay, work to be done. On the good days busyness keeps the cloud of depression just far enough behind me that it won't catch up until I slow down and the house grows quiet. People won't even question how you're doing because you manage to keep the overwhelming feelings at bay. The biggest threat those days are those few discerning people who see past the facade, the ones who look you straight in the eye and ask you how you're doing. On the good days though, as soon as you catch your breath you can smile and laugh and tell them "everything's fine."

The days in between: Those days that aren't great days but also aren't the worst filter themselves in between them. Those are the days when you avoid the people who might ask how you are. Naps are an important part of those days, the harder the day, the longer the nap. I might eat to much or have an angry outburst, the voices are louder those days, the cloud is harder to run ahead of. Those days are like wading in the water at the beach, the waves push and pull at me constantly and sometimes knock me down. But I never lose sight of the shore, though I'm worn out by the end of the day.

Bad days: My life doesn't allow me to stay in bed, so instead my bad days are clothed in pajamas. The furthest I make it is to the couch in front of the TV, and Netflix and Facebook are my only companions. On those days if I dare to allow them when my family is home, they tend to circulate outside of my cloud. The kids play outside, the husband works in the yard-- they seem instinctively to know not to step too close to the vortex for fear they might be sucked into the cloud. I'm not sure they recognize it for what it is, or can even put a name on it, but they know I'm in a "mood" and so giving me "space" seems to be their best option. On those days there aren't many angry outbursts because we're all just happier if we don't interact. The refrigerator as well is my faithful friend. There are dents in my couch from the days where I seem to grow there, so heavy and full I can barely stand up.

What depression isn't: It isn't a bad attitude or a choice. It isn't something that I can just power through and "get over," especially not in my own strength. "Fighting depression" is a bit of a false concept. Like the cloud that it feels like, "fighting it" feels like beating the air. You cannot fight a cloud. I remember before I ever experienced depression feeling judgmental towards people who talked about suffering from it. But for the record, I don't like that term, "suffering from it." I think a better description is "suffering in it." Depression is a lot like walking into a dark and unfamiliar room and being spun around until you're completely disoriented and then being told to find your way out. But the problem is, the room is filled with obstacles, desks and chairs you run into, and they hurt like hell. And the longer you wander around, the more damaged you feel, the more exhausted and disheartened you grow.

What depression is: It's a battle. Physical, emotional and spiritual. Sometimes where the battlefront lands varies. I have had days, sometimes several in a row where taking a shower is too much. Overeating can be practically suicidal, eating yourself into oblivion, wanting to say no,knowing it's wrong, and taking another bite or ten anyway. I'm not a crier, even in the worst of depression tears rarely come; but for me, sometimes it's the overwhelming desire to let out tears that just aren't there that become a battlefield for me. It feels like maybe there would be relief in a good cry, but the cry never comes. Anger, hostility, over-sensitivity, rejection, loneliness, isolation all show themselves on the emotional battlefield. And the spiritual battle, that perhaps is the worst of it, because sometimes it isn't just a battle, it's actual warfare. Sometimes the voice inside my head isn't just my own, sometimes it's the voice of a spiritual enemy.

The bible says that Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy, and depression is a perfect tool. Sometimes he masks his voice as my own mental thought. The accuser robs of abundant life-- he tells lies that say this is it, life won't ever get any better. He points at the (innocent) actions of others and twists them, accusing them of not being your friend or on your side, that they don't care about you, that they never cared about you. Sometimes his voice is an occasional whisper, sometimes it is relentless. Sometimes it is constant and sometimes he waits for his moment, your moment of weakness and he shouts. "Drive your car off that ledge." "Slam into that wall." Suicidal thoughts, they do come in the midst of depression. For me that has always tended to be the moment when my enemy "shows his hand," and I recognize that I'm in a fight, and it's time to get up out of the corner where I'm cowering and fight back. That's usually the moment when I stand up to my bully by calling on my Dad. But I'm pretty banged up by then. But I'm one of the fortunate ones in this regard, because too many people "fighting depression" actually find this crossroads to be a passageway to an even darker place. I'm fortunate, I don't think I've ever gotten sucked into the worst of the darkness, but that room that I do visit, it's hard enough, scary enough, bad enough.

What's the answer: That dark disorienting place, the one where you hurt yourself as you roam around looking for the way out, what is the solution? I don't believe it's usually medication, at least not for me. Medicating myself doesn't work (with food, or busyness) and I don't believe that actual medication is a better plan either-- I don't actually deal with the situation, nothing actually changes the medicine just makes it so I don't care that I'm in the room. So how do you get out of the room? The fact is, I don't think you can get out of the room on your own. At least I know I can't. I can't "pull myself up by the bootstraps" and press through. I think the truth is you have to be led out. Someone else has to either call out to you, and let you follow their voice, or even better, someone who can see in the darkness needs to come and take you by the hand and lead you out. Lead me out.

I think truthfully there is really only One who can do that. Only One sees the darkness as though it were light. Jesus alone can come in and rescue you. Yes I know there are those who will disagree with me. There are those who have found medication and therapy. If I TRULY want OUT of the room I have to let Him lead me out, not just take a little something that makes me not care about being in the room, or talk to someone who makes it acceptable to be in the room. (I'm not saying there is never a time for medication or therapy, I actually believe strongly in biblical counseling I'm just saying it's a process, and not a solution.) Jesus alone is the solution.

Today in church we were singing a song during worship, and there is a line that says. "You are Light, You are Light when the darkness closes in..." It pierced the darkness I've been battling lately. It's not that it was something I didn't know, but it's something that in the midst of the darkness and disorientation, I often find myself forgetting. It was a timely reminder. Honestly, I think it was the Lord's voice calling out to me towards the door. "Walk towards Me," He said. He is Light. He can see in the midst of the darkness even when I cannot. And the beautiful thing about Him calling out? If I just step one faith filled step toward His voice,I will quickly find His hand there for me to grab hold.

Why am I telling this to the world: I believe that depression is one of those "secret sins" among Christians. I think it's a lot more common than people realize, or care to admit. There are a lot of "glass half full" believers (God bless them,the rest of us need them desperately) but sometimes there is something to be said to admitting the glass is half empty, and sometimes even completely empty... on occasion the glass is crushed and the water is all over the floor. And the "half-full" crowd has the capacity for seeing a silver lining when others of us find ourselves sucked into that pigpen cloud unable to see the lining at all. Being a believer does not exempt us from pain or struggle. It does not exempt us from depression. I am not exempt. I also know, I am not alone. So the reason I am sharing is in hope that someone else might feel a little less alone if they are facing battles like mine. I'm not alone, and neither than you. And if you listen closely you just might hear the same voice I heard this morning in worship.

"You are Light, You are Light, when the darkness closes in..."

Jesus is calling you toward His voice, toward the door. Take a step of faith, reach out. I believe you will find His hand reaching out to you, grab it tightly, and He will lead you out.

3 lbs.

On my 40th birthday, I felt the best I had in over a decade. I'd lost 50 lbs, was exercising daily, my blood pressure was down, my blood sugar was good.  I had thrown away all my "fat clothes," I could actually run. I remember on my birthday specifically thinking that I felt even better than I did when I turned 30.

Sigh.

What a long way I've fallen since.

3 lbs. That's all that is between me and the highest weight I've ever been. The shorts I kept in my drawer as a reminder of how far I'd come would fit if I pulled them out of my drawer now. But I can't bear to. I cannot bear the shame.

I've shared here before about the fact that when I was in such exceptional health physically, actually I was in dire straits, at risk of a great fall. Since then things have much improved spiritually, but at great physical expense. But if I'm honest that's not completely true.

Obviously there is a serious lack of balance, order and discipline in my life. Gluttony is an obvious issue. I've gone downhill quickly the last nine months eating my hurt, anxiety and stress, harming myself in the process.
I've made excuses. "At least I'm better spiritually." And I am, but not better enough. "If something has to give, better exercising than reading my bible." Maybe there is truth in the statement, but Jesus came that I might have abundant life. And the condition of my body is robbing me of it.

I didn't want to do Atkins again. I said it was just exchanging one bondage for another. Maybe that's true, but it works. I'm hoping it will be the kick start to getting healthy again. Where I am I can barely move much less exercise. Discipline will be a tool.

When summer starts at the school year's end, I plan to begin a no carb/ low carb summer. I have to. Because in this "fight to lose," I've given up the fight. I've got to scrap and scrounge, and dig my way out of this pit. I'm hoping for the Lord's help along the way. In Jesus' name.

Little Miss Independent

Sigh. I'm in trouble. I've said many times in life and on this blog, that my weight and food issues are more spiritual than physical. And physically, I've been doing pretty well, but spiritually, I'm seriously slipping.
I've been working out almost daily. That's not by itself a bad thing, but the obsession has begun.  I broke away from my old work out routine hoping to loosen things up, but out hasn't been working.
I've been doing Just Dance 3, then I added in Wii Fit again, I find myself getting obsessive with numbers, it's not healthy for me.  The body priority is slowly climbing above the spirit again, and I just can't go there.
If I'm going to get healthy and lose weight, it's going to have to be Holy Spirit dependent, and I've been moving fast toward doing it all on my own.
My shoulders are really achy from all the working out. I took the issue as a reason for a day off, mostly to hinder the obsession.
I was hoping to do some housework and take a walk with the Lord, but a crash of our home computer sent me another direction. Even my walks lately that I intended to spend praying have reverted to mindless, distracted and purposeless exercise. Yes, purposeless, because if I'm not able to put the Lord first and focus on Him, even a stellar size 8 won't be a good thing.
I'm hoping to maybe take a low key, late night stroll still, more for the conversation than for the exercise though  because I am far more concerned with my spiritual heart than my physical one.

Facing a Giant

This weekend was great for me, I'm officially "back on the horse." I walked about 5 or 6 miles going to have lunch with girlfriends, then after I walked to CVS to pick up a new battery for my pedometer so I can start working towards 10,000 steps per day.
Sunday I walked home from church, which is about 4 1/2 miles, and a lot of the walk was kind of hilly. Today I'm feeling it in my legs, but it's a good hurt. Sunday evening I played Just Dance 3 with my daughter for about 45 minutes or so. It was quite a work out, but we had fun!!
After the previous two weekend were wasted sitting on the couch until my hips hurt, this was a wonderful change. I am thrilled to be back moving. But even as great a this week and especially the weekend had been, there was a challenge that loomed, facing a giant.
In 2010 when I had so much success working out and losing weight, my Wii Fit Plus was my daily companion. Wii is a difficult taskmaster who groans as you step on the board if you've gained even a pound. I honestly couldn't bear to face what Wii would say after this major fall. Honestly, it's been part of why I kept putting it off. Yes, sad, I know, but true, I could not face the little Wii.
But after such a great weekend, I decided today was the day to bite the bullet and quite literally "step up to the plate." It wasn't pretty. Wii groaned, oh how he groaned. "He" also informed me it had been 446 days since my last work out. That's a sad statement about 2011. Then it let me know I had gained 21.6 lbs. To be honest I was a little relieved. It must have been a random sole shot at working out after the slide had begun, because like I shared before I am currently 38 lbs above my lowest 2010 weight, that makes 21.6 not sound so bad.
But the point is, I did it. I faced my reality, I faced my giant. I didn't come close to 10,000 steps today, that's going to be tough on the days I'm stuck at the office, but I did get 35 minutes on Wii Fit, and the kids and I danced 7 songs with our Just Dance games.
My giant is far from slain, but I'm ready to face "him" in the battle. My body aches in many places, but I'm fighting. Let me say though, just like David fought Goliath because he knew God was on his side, I'm doing this with the Lord on mine. There won't be the morning workouts like 2010, that's my time in the Word. Walks will still mean prayer and I'm giving God all the glory in reigniting my fire to get healthy, but this time staying spiritually strong. IJN!!!

Thinking Thin

Today was a very good day. I've actually had several good days. This week I began restricting my refined sugar intake. Other than one small scoop of ice cream at dollar scoop night, I didn't eat any. And since I'm a "sweet after eat" girl, let's just say that's huge.
I've had my fair share of 40 calorie clementine oranges and chewed lots of gum. But I have resisted the sugar. But I gave myself permission on this lifestyle revamping to loosen the reigns on the weekend and allow myself a little more freedom.
Thursday morning while I was making the bed I was thinking to myself, "I can't wait till this weekend when I can reward myself with something sweet." And no sooner did the thought cross my mind when I heard "or you could reward yourself by not undoing your progress."  It was a total a-ha moment!  It was a little on the radical side. What a concept!
I'm guessing you thin people think this should be an obvious statement, but to those of us who struggle with food (not weight but food) this is not the natural inclination in thinking.
When the weekend got here, the thought stuck with me. Neal and I took our younger two kids out to dinner Friday night. I only ate half my meal. For people like me, overcoming the "clean your plate" mentality is a major victory. When we went out for yogurt after, I ordered a small, not a regular but the real victory was in throwing away almost half of it. These are things thin people do naturally, for those of us who struggle with food, these are great accomplishments.
Today was a very good day for me. I met girlfriends for lunch but I walked to the restaurant, I resisted most of the chips and dip and after lunch I walked several miles to the store. At the end of the day, I walked somewhere near 6 miles. I ate only a salad, and ate only out of true hunger.
I took the kids to the movies tonight and when we went for yogurt after I again stopped eating only half. (This batch made it to the freezer though.)
The best part of all this though is the sense of "help" I have. I truly believe that whisper to my heart Thursday morning was from the Holy Spirit, encouraging me on.
As I was walking home today, the thought occurred to me, this past year I spent really being in the Word and seeking God. I sowed good seed abiding in Him, I think perhaps I'm in the beginning of a reaping season, because this "fruit of the Spirit" called self-control could only be from God.
So I give Him glory for this good start. And I know the key is for me to continue to abide. My battle with my weight and food has always been a spiritual issue, and I am hopeful to finally be on the right track. I'm excited to be down 5 lbs this week, but even more excited for the spiritual strength I feel.
Praise the Lord, with His help, I am indeed eating less and moving more!!!

One Bite at a Time.

How did I get back here? One bite at a time. That's a disappointing and tragic real-life twist on an otherwise fun idiom. But it's also extremely true. I have got back from within 8 lbs of where I was when I started trying to lose weight in September 2009. The only thing I have not done is get out "the shorts" I kept as a "where I was" measurement, because I know if I put them on, they would be far too close to a perfect fit. (You can see me in them, hiding behind Ethan in the 2nd picture from the left across the top of the page.)

In September 2009 I went on Atkins, and by January 1st, 2010, I was down 30 lbs. I started a solid workout regimen with the New Year and continued to lose. By summer I was feeling great, getting strong, loving life and down another 19 lbs, without being on Atkins. But shortly after that, something began to unravel. It started with a chaotic summer schedule. By the end of the summer I was up 13 lbs. Over the next year, I gained back 32 more pounds. I got within just 5 lbs of where I started, having to scrounge through and find the few "fat clothes" I'd had kept, and buy a few things to replace the ones I had thrown away. 2011 was a year of utter failure physically.

As great as 2010 was physically, it was not a good year for me spiritually. The truth is, my "health" and my body, and working out had become idols to me. I remember a conversation with a friend where I actually made the statement, "I know I am focusing on my body a lot, but God will always be there, being in the Word and pursuing Him can wait." And it did. And I slipped further and further away from Him, until one day in September 2010 He pressed through my arrogance and woke me up. I went running to Him (in the non-exercise sense) and abandoned any efforts to stay physically active. And I went back into old routines with food, and one bite at a time, the weight climbed back up.

2011 I did a lot of things right. Spiritually speaking, my focus was good. I was back in the Word like I had not been in years. I found my first love, and I was faithful in pursuing the things of God. Physically, however, I was NOT honoring the Lord. It was a year of a lot of challenges and difficulties, and I often substituted the comfort of food for the comfort of God. It's a cheap counterfeit, and it has a lot of negative consequences. In addition to my clothing issues, I don't feel well, I suspect my blood pressure is back up, and my asthma (which had been dormant for nearly a decade) has presented problems again.

So here we are in 2012, and I want this year to get it right, I want it to be the year of balance... keeping God first in my life, and being the good steward of my body that He desires for me to be. After a year of injury in 2011, I am only feeling the consequences of the sedentary lifestyle I settled back into, no specific issues. And here's the thing, I know the solution to that problem, get moving. Get active, suck it up and go, but don't eat so much along the way.

I know I could go back on Atkins tomorrow and lose a ton (ok, not quite that bad) but a lot of weight. Atkins IS good for me, in that with a blood condition I have, it works well. BUT it is not very practical, it's expensive and it's difficult to feed my family around it. And you could of course make a good argument against the nutrients it lacks. But the bottom line is, for me, Atkins is just another bondage. I become obsessed with every bite I'm going to get to eat. And like I need to be careful with other idols, like my body and exercise, I have to be careful with the diet idol as well.

19 of the pounds I lost (in 5 or 6 months) were lost with the basic principle, "eat less, move more." That's my primary plan- not a diet, or a regimen, just a way of life. I'm starting by walking, at least every other day- but I'm making them prayer walks, Jesus is my walking buddy. I am restricting sugar intake during the week, by not eating any more than one scoop at $1 Scoop Night with family and friends. I'm trying to watch calories and see if that's effective. I may find counting carbs is inevitable, but this is where I am starting.

I don't know how much I'm going to blog here. Accountability is good, but I am not proud of the chronicles of my failures so far. But maybe this time will be different. Maybe I'll go back eventually to the format that I started this blog with, but suffice it to say, I'm 12 lbs heavier than I was when I did. I hope I can find a way to make that inspiring instead of depressing, because I have got to find victory! In Jesus' name!