The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, but the scale however, well, it taketh and it giveth back... I'm not fond of either scenario, truth be told.
I was happy Thursday and Friday for the slight dip and the "FINALLY!" move away from the number that appears to be my nemesis 194.4. But the happiness didn't last long. It was staring me back in the face on Saturday morning, and just to make sure I knew it meant business it stuck around for Sunday morning too.
I'm going to be honest, there is a temptation to just give up and live with this number. I'm a size 12 after all and I feel no shame in that after busting out of my 20s just nine months ago. But I have been battling greatly with the knowledge that I really have a bit of a reputation (with myself at least) with never really finishing what I start. Let's consider my unfinished college education, the bathrooms that never got painted when we redid out house (the first time we never put baseboards down), I have written TWO novels that I swore (promised?) were going to be part of a trilogy and so far book 3 is a couple chapters along and just sitting in limbo (the question demands, will anyone even care anymore by the time I write it?) not to mention two other independent novels that are floating around my house somewhere... UNFINISHED. So there is a part of me that wants to see that 165 on the scale just to say I accomplished my goal, not to mention the physical benefits.
Speaking of unmet goals... my 60 days of working out consecutively didn't happen. These last few days I have been battling mentally - not specific to this weight loss process, but in life as a whole. The scale having boomeranged back up to my nemesis didn't help my resolve. I had other things I needed to tend to yesterday afternoon and by the time 9 pm came around when I hit my typical "Now or never" moment with getting a workout in hit, never didn't sound so bad. At 10:15 I had good intentions of doing some stretches in my jammies, but once I got them on at 10:30 the only word I could think of was "Sabbath" and I decided to give myself a pass... which as I said before, I have a bad habit of doing. But oh well, what's done is done. It's why I call this blog what I do, "The FIGHT to lose." Not because the loss itself is the fight, but because the whole process is-- Mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.
Weight: Saturday Day 12: 194.4; Sunday Day 13: 194.4; & Today Day 14: 193.8
Feeling: Frustrated and discouraged, a little torn, all the while having this underlying thought of "Get over yourself." Anything worth having is worth fighting for.
Eating: Too much, probably too many carbs. I seem to be living in "trace" on the ketosis scale and only occasionally hitting the darker colors. It's great for the "maintenance mode" but I'm still almost 30 lbs from there. It's a lot like getting a new house and living in the front yard in a tent. I'm happy to be in the neighborhood that I am, but I never signed on to live in this particular spot. I need to get in the house!
Moving: Friday's workout was a solid one. I repeated Thursday's but exercised even a little longer. I hoped it would mean more improvement for my shoulder, but Saturday was MISERABLE. My arm was killing me most of the day. Saturday I went for a walk, not a power walk, but a walk that took about a half an hour. Sunday the arm felt a little better, but Sunday brought no workout. Today the arm is decent, but a workout tonight is critical, it's what will keep yesterday a Sabbath and not let it turn into a downfall.
Thoughts: TO all my good intentioned friends who are going to tell me not to get discouraged and keep up the good work, thank you. I know. But this blog is about the FIGHT to lose, so I am trying to just be real and (at times) raw about this process. I know I look great (comparatively, and because you said so) and I know it takes time (I could kick myself though for all the time I let pass without effort) and I know (ok this I don't really know) that I CAN DO IT! But the fact is, some days are just hard. Right now, most days are just hard. But I'm still here, I'm still in the FIGHT. But it's a daily decision. Today I'm deciding not to give up, that makes today a good day.
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