In September of 2009 I hit my maximum weight of 243.6 lbs. I could barely walk up the single flight of stairs at my work without getting completely winded. I was horribly out of shape and miserable. I put myself on the Atkins diet and lost 30 lbs by the end of the year. On January 1st I broke out the Wii Fit that I had bought for my husband's birthday in October and began a daily work out routine. By the time my birthday came along in the end of March I was down another 12 lbs. For my 40th birthday I felt the best I could remember in more than a dozen years.
My daily workouts remained consistent into the summer and my weight got as low as 196 lbs. I was fitting into clothing that hadn't fit in a very long time, and I felt great. Summer schedules challenged my workout schedule, and my September I was no longer working out consistently.
In September my weight was back up to about 209 lbs. I participated in a week of prayer and fasting with my church and lost 8 lbs in a week, but the weight came back on pretty quickly, and after the week of fasting, it was as though I had unleashed a beast and my obsession with eating and food intensified to an incredible level.
In September and through the holidays I would try to get back on the workout regimen, but I never got back the consistency I had at the beginning of the year. When this new year began, I started a commitment to read my bible every day. The reading plan I am using is large enough that it requires that I read both in the morning and at night. As important as my physical health is, I knew that choosing to exercise my spirit was a better goal for the new year, which meant morning workouts were no longer possible.
My 41st birthday is 11 days away. After feeling better than ever at 40, having lost weight, feeling strong from working out, I am facing my 41st birthday in a very different condition. I have gained back a great deal of the weight I lost and my body is stiff and aching again. Much of my strength is gone, and I sometimes find myself getting winded again.
As of this morning, on the scale I weighed 222.6 lbs. It created a bit of panic in me being so close to only 20 lbs from where I was at my worst. Realizing I have gained more than 20 lbs in the last 8 months makes me realize how great I am at risk for reaching my worst again. I can't let that happen.
I am writing this blog to make myself accountable. In the last couple weeks I have tried to reincorporate physical activity. I have started walking again and am also trying to do my yoga workouts that I used to do with the Wii Fit on my own. I cannot bring myself to actually get back on the Wii yet because I can't bear to hear it tell me how much weight I have gained since the last time I used it. I am ashamed of myself.
One thing I have come to realize is that the root of my weight issues is not physical, it is spiritual and emotional. I can physically do what is necessary to take off weight, I have proven that. What I have not been able to do is keep it off. And the reason is that food is being used as more than fuel. It's comfort, entertainment, a sedative, even a tempre tantrum. It is completely out of balance and I have to get victory over it.
This morning when I stepped off the scale I knew I had to do something drastic to make myself accountable to fighting till I find victory. I have to fight to lose.
I could do Atkins, but it's an exchange of one bondage to another. I am in bondage to food, choosing that kind of diet just limits the foods I am in bondage to. When I am on Atkins my thoughts are consumed with my next meal, the next thing I can eat. Even though I chemically cause my body to burn fat, I am still in bondage to food. God made food to be enjoyed, and I know there is a freedom to be found in eating and having a healthy weight.
I know there are many great books out there, and I intend to read some of them, but this is moe than that, it is a spiritual warfare for me and I have to gain the victory.
In addition to this blog, right now I am carrying a little notebook around with me and writing down every interaction I have with food. I am focusing on the feelings connected to food, when I eat or when I think about eating and choose not to. Today I had 15 different "food interactions." I didn't actually eat 15 times, but the temptation to do so was there. Some days I will share specifics of the "food interaction" journal, others I will not. I will share the victories and I will share the defeats.
The purpose of this blog is for me to fight to lose, not just the weight but for my flesh to lose to my spirit. I have to fight this fight. And I have to lose. John the Baptist prayed a prayer, "may I decrease that You may increase." That is my prayer right now, but it has taken on a whole different meaning.
Follow me, join me, pray for me, root me on - I'm in it, the Fight to Lose.
Today's weight: 222.6
Today's battles: 15 "Food interactions."
Today's better choice: I walked the mile and a half to Taco Tuesday.
Today's defeat: Ate a piece of See's candy as a "reward" after school even though I wasn't hungry. Ate chips mindlessly while at Taco Tuesday in response to stress.
Today's victory: Only ate 2 tacos at Taco Tuesday (Usually eat 3) and only had one scoop of ice cream at Dollar Scoop night (I usually eat 2). So far am also resisting another piece of See's even though I want one.
Ugh - I wrote something here, but forgot to do the "password" so it's gone. :-(
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