Stalled

So I've hit another plateau.

I hit the halfway point of my 81.2 goal a couple weeks ago. Then I dropped like 3 lbs in a weekend, but it was "medically" induced. And when my (being purposely vague) "issue" subsided, I gained 2 lbs back. I'm at 205.6 (not the 204 on the chart above) and I've been there almost a week, EXACTLY half way between where I started and where I WANT to be.

And I've lost my mojo. My desire has completely waned.

I've had a couple conversations in the last week, pumped, encouraging others, feigning my own determination, but it's been a total facade. I'm practically on the brink of giving up.

I've pushed the envelope the last couple days with my eating choices. More than once I've commented to my intention to "cheat a little" for the purpose of "shocking my system" to get things "moving again." But it doesn't feel true when I say it. Either way I've tested "trace" consistently for ketosis for several days.

I feel like I'm holding on to the last stand of my diet plan and my good intentions, and it's unraveling in my hand.

I'm looking at myself and I see this girl who's going on an important journey. She's halfway there and she's just plopped on her bum, alone in the middle of the desert, halfway. She can't stay there, or she won't, anyway. The decision has to be made, get up, press on, move forward; or amble backwards from whence she came.

But I don't want to go back.

This is how I know I cannot do this in my own strength, so I am begging God to help me. I did it in my own strength before, and then I gained 53 lbs in two years. FIFTY-THREE POUNDS!  That is what willpower got me, that saturated with impure motives, and a little personal idolatry.

I'm frustrated. Discouraged. Frightened. Desperate. I need God's help, because I can't stay here, because no matter how much better it feels than where I WAS, it's not good enough. I don't want to set up camp here in the middle of the desert.

But I'm stalled.

I need God to give me a jump. Because right here is where "The Fight to Lose" is really won or lost. There is no partial victory, and I cannot settle for a modified loss. I've got to run the race. But I need God's help to do it.