The Fall Apart

This coming Monday will mark week 20 on my quest toward my weight goal that's 81.2 lbs below where I began.  Counting every 4 weeks as a month, I've lost right around 10 lbs/ month over the first 4 months. But as month 5 comes to a close, I've only lost about 3 lbs these last four weeks.

What's hardest about that realization is that it's been the last month that I've really taken my efforts to a higher level, working out harder and more often, even throwing (gulp) RUNNING into the mix. So working that hard with such significantly smaller results is a big bummer. And for those of you "inches vs. pounds" folk, my waist hadn't shifted on the last month either. And for you who want to warn me it gets harder as you get closer, I'm not THAT close. And no, I'm not buying into "muscle weighs more than fat" either, something is just not working. I've hit a wall.

To top it off, I learned some bad news today, I'm STILL a emotional eater. And today in my discouragement I fell back into some old habits and tried to eat my frustration.

I started the day out ok, Atkins bar in the morning, a little mid-morning popcorn and a little salami and cheese with bruschetta for lunch, then everything went down hill. First it was one cookie, and a piece of candy, then a second cookie, then three more. Feeling the panic of my decision I took some carb blockers hoping to curb the damage.

I made the mistake of buying the cookies at Trader Joe's. When I'm in a good place one little cookie with only 5 carbs isn't a huge problem, but 20 more cookie carbs, 8 from the candy, and it puts the whole popcorn serving at issue, especially when in the midst if the cookie debacle I finished off more than half the bag.

I went home even more discouraged knowing I was willfully shooting myself in the foot. It didn't stop me grabbing a tootsie roll out of the Halloween candy bowl when I got home though. It's like credit cards, once you use them, it's easy to use them again. Once you fall off the diet wagon it's easy to stay down and roll around in the dirt.

Tomorrow when I get on the scale I will have surely made matters worse. This is where I become painfully aware of the end of my willpower and how short it falls in the requirements to get to my goal.  I need to get some strength outside myself and get back on track. I can't let today's fall apart be the end of my journey toward my goal.