How to grab hold

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It means a big lunch at PF Chang's and a dozen cupcakes from Dad. It means yummy treats from a girlfriend and a box of See's Candy in the house. Treats not available, but intended for me.

I have indulged. Every bite has been delightful.

And now comes regret.

The scale has tipped the wrong direction, and shame is settling in.

I am contemplating not eating anything at all tomorrow, just to find empty again.

I haven't felt hunger in days, and I haven't stopped eating.

I am actually contemplating Atkins again. Which is a hard place to be. I know it will be effective, but it feels like a failure, like food wins. It's still stronger than me, and I hate that.

I had a donut in my hand at church this morning and I kow my friend saw it. I felt like she saw me cheating on my husband. Which in a way, she kind of did, spiritual adultery against the Lord.

Sigh.

I'm not turning in my weight today. Just like I won't get back on the Wii because I can bear to hear it's reaction from the last time I worked out a good 20 lbs or so ago, I can't bear to see the failure of the last couple days in writing.

It's the fine line between determination and desperation.

I'll be honest I have a night out with a girlfriend ahead where we celebrate our birthdays together, and I don't want to start Atkins before then because of the dessert I might have to give up if I do. It's a sickness. It's sin.

I don't know what I'm going to do. But I've got to do something.

Today my pastor talked about being an overcomer in Christ. And in this area, I still haven't leared to walk in the victory that is mine. I have yet to figure out how to grab hold of it. But I have to.

Somehow, I have to.