Struggling

For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am carnal, sold under sin. For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. For the good that I will to do, I do not do;
but the evil I will not to do, that I practice.
Romans 7:14-19

I am sitting here just finishing up watching the Biggest Loser. I'm disheartened. I think I have put back on the entire 5 lbs I had lost. I am just struggling.

I am anticipating already the number of well-intentioned friends who will have just the right answer for me. But the fact is, they don't. This is about so much more than food and exercise- this is a spiritual issue for me. And I am NOT where I need to be. I have been there before, but it's been a long time, and I am having the hardest time figurng out how to get back.

A year ago when I was doing really well physically, working out, being committed, feeling strong and losing weight, it was my top priority. It was great, and it was awful. The great is obvious but the awful is the neglect to my spiritual well-being that was severe a year ago. I wasn't reading my bible, my prayer life was non-existent and I was struggling constantly with all kinds of temptation because of it.

I opened up to one friend a little and am haunted now by the words spoke to her. I said, "I know God and His Word will always be there and sooner or later I will come back around to that, but right now taking care of my body is more important." What a horrible lie I was buying into. I teetered on a very dangerous abyss, more than others even really know.

I am glad that my heart has drawn back to the Lord, and spending time with Him and being in His Word has gained back the proper priority. But the battle with my body is being lost. And I am struggling with understanding the battle of my mind when I am truly making the very best efforts to abide, abide, abide.

The slippery slope of my health and weight loss efforts is NOT directly linked to my change in priorities toward the Lord. I started to fall and fail with my eating and my weight back in the fall, and I didn't right my heart with the Lord till the first of the year. But now I struggle to find the balance, and to somehow get both aspects of my life in order and moving in the right direction.

There is a balance. I just have to find the path to get there. I find myself these last few days waking up and crying out to God to please help the new day be different, and by nightfall I find myself wallowing in regret.

I have to find the way. I have to, not for the size of my clothes, but for the state of my heart- spiritually speaking. I have to find the way.