March Madness

Oh my word.... I am STRUGGLING!!!!

February was a tough month for me, both boys birthdays and lots of celebrating, it was probably worse than the holidays for me.  And to be honest, I'm just a little bit worn out from eating low carb and try to watch my weight. 

March came with new resolve but it was weak... oh so weak.  And before long I abandoned it altogether. I gave myself a pass for the month of March.  It's my birthday month, after all, what harm can a little celebrating do?

The answer to that question can go many ways.  Not much is a completelty viable answer, as long as I keep my focus and don't go crazy. Unfortunately, that's NOT what's going on.

The answer to the question "How much harm can it do?" Is "A WHOLE HECK OF A LOT!!" 

Actually it was just yesterday that things went really wrong, but boy oh boy, it's such a fight!  (Hence the title to this blog.)  I have to come to terms with the fact that despite having lost over 50 lbs, I still have a lot to overcome on the battlefield of the mind.

My intention has been to allow myself to just lay aside the "low carb lifestyle" for a few (more) weeks.  That doesn't have to be a bad thing, but the problem is the longer I'm "free" the more I lose the mindset of loosened restrictions and exchange it for a "free for all" eat as much as I can in as short a time as possible.  And I end up having crazy binging days like I did yesterday.  Days like I am trying to hold myself back from today.  Too many days like this will be a fast track back to the plus size lifestyle that I so desperately don't want to be a part of.

There are so many key choices that I am not being diligent in. 

(1) Don't have the temptation handy. - A craving filled "devil may care" walk through Trader Joe's brought all kinds of things into my office and I consumed way more than was even reasonable.

(2) Don't listen to your body. - I didn't have to go pick up a pizza last night just because I was "craving" it. And I definitely didn't have to buy the large, especially when I was the only one home.  No, I didn't eat the whole thing or anything, but I still ate more than I should.

(3) LISTEN to your body. - Last night after eating myself way above the full meter I still ate a little more because Neal brought home a treat.  Yes, I said no to the fries, but I didn't pass on his dessert, and I didn't need it.  It didn't even feel good to eat it!  But I did anyway.

(4) Don't drink your calories. - I am REALLY good about not drinking my calories when I'm focused on the low carb lifestlye (because all caloric drinks are carb filled drinks.)  I stick primarily to iced tea and water, but now I'm stopping once or twice a day at Jack in the Box for PEACH iced tea, DOUBLE syrup because it tastes good, and it also raises my sugars, has lots of excess and unnecessary calories and creates a carb craving in me that I need to avoid. 

(5) Get rid of the now or never mindset. - The truth is, the food should be able to be said "NO" to.  It's not as though I can't have it later, or never.  I eat like if I don't I'm going to be missing out on something, or like the opportunity to have a Creme Brulee Bruxie (the dessert I should have passed on last night) is never going to come up again. 

See?  I know the rules.  I KNOW how to be a thin eater and take care of myself, I'm just not doing it.  And I get on the scale and I'm up three pounds in a day!  Three pounds that can take a week or more to lose, IF I'm doing things right! 

3 years ago when I tutrned 40 I found myself at this exact place.  I was feeling great after losing a lot of weight, but something happened and I plummeted down hill working my way back up to my highest weight ever.  Next Tuesday I will turn 43 and I'm at this crossroads again.  I have GOT to get my head on straight and get my act together! 

March has been a month of madness, my own personal worst kind, and I can't let it continue.  I may not go back on low-carb eating till after Easter as I originally planned, but I HAVE to set these wise rules back in action in order to not completely undermine the effort and success I've already had.  I can't do it in my own strength, apparently, so I need to right my focus, grab hold of my God and remember that I need to get it together because it's the right thing to do, it's the best way to honor my God and it's the best possible birthday gift I can give to myself. 

Help me Father, in Jesus' name!

The War

It's been a while since I posted here.  Mostly because it's been a while since I actually made any progress. It's pretty depressing, and I find myself at a bit of a crossroads.

Three years ago this month when I celebrated my 40th birthday I was feeling great.  I had lost about 35 lbs, was working out regularly and looked and felt better than I had in years physically.  At the same time I was at probably my lowest point spiritually than I had been since I rededicated my life to Christ in 1992.  I heard myself in a conversation right around that time and I said "Jesus will always be there, right now I am going to put all my focus on my physical health, my spiritual health can wait."  Boy was I standing on a dangerously slippery slope that day.  I look back at that girl and I want to slap her and ask her, what in the world was she thinking?

The truth is, she was thinking all about self.  And by were here priorities out of whack.  She had freely exchanged the Rock foundation for sand.  What a fool, she actually thought she could succeed (at anything) on her own?  It wasn't long after that that everything went to hell in a hand basket.  All her personal efforts fell completely apart and by summer I started putting weight back on and over the next two years I put on 52 lbs and landed at the heaviest and most unhealthy place I'd ever been in my life.  The rotten on the inside squeezed out into my everything. 

But God in His grace did recapture my heart.  I righted my heart toward Him.  The next year might have been my best year spiritually since I'd come to Christ, reading through the whole Bible in a year, falling in love with God's Word again, letting go of every distraction. God did a lot in my spirit over the next year, even if my body went to pot.

Last year the two worlds finally collided, and while holding on to Jesus with both hands and all my heart, I set out to get my body right as well.  From June to December I took off over 50 lbs, but the battle between body and spirit and the priorities for both has begun again.

I learned a hard lesson, I will never (with God's help) ever put my physical health above my spiritual well-being ever again.  With God's help, with God's help, in Jesus' name with God's help... I definitely learned one thing, never think myself above a stumble!!  Maybe that's the REAL lesson I learned!

Anyway, I've been struggling again, but it's a different kind of struggle.  It's no longer the flesh against the spirit-- no, now that the two of them finally seem to be lined up, both the flesh and the spirit seem to be under attack.  Truthfully, that fight can cause a fight between them though, and I find myself desperately battling between the two. It's like a marriage, the flesh and the spirit.  When under stress or attack they can do one of two things come together or turn on each other.  Lately, it's been fighting times, both under attack the spirit and flesh are going after each other.

It's pretty simple to address the issue, when flesh rises against spirit, the one who's been "eating" the best will win. Warning though, if you're just lackadaisical the flesh is being fed all the time even if it isn't intentional, and it will rise up against the spirit, and even if it doesn't win, it will give it one heck of a beating.  That's what's been going on with me.

My body is broken, working out hasn't been going on because of it.  My wherewithal and resolve to stick to the diet have been weak at best (there is ALWAYS a reason to postpone the diet till tomorrow.) Last night I was watching The Biggest Loser, and I listened as the final 5 contestants talked about never going back.  I have not headed that direction, but the risk has been high.  A month ago I felt great working out while I watched BL, two weeks ago guilt crept in as I sat and stuffed my face watching the same.  Last night I sat plotting a trip to 7-Eleven for a candy bar (I ate 2 the night before) and I decided I didn't want to go back either.  I got up and ran on the trampoline while I watched the BL contestants fight for their goals.

I'm 67% of my way to the goal I set back in June when I hit my bottom and headed back on the track to getting healthy mind, body AND spirit.  I'm just a couple pounds below where I was when I fell painfully backwards three years ago.  I don't want to go there again.  I took a good step the right direction last night, but I've got a lot of steps to make if I want to make the other 33% to goal.  I want it, but I've got to want it more, and I've got to want to do it with my focus right and gripping to my Savior.  He is my salvation and my hope, not just in the "end" but all along the way.  I really hope I can get there!  Lord help me!

Enough!

I saw the pictures from my oldest son's graduation days and it made me sick to my stomach.  I looked like a heart attack waiting to happen.  I don't know why the picture was what it took to push me to my breaking point, but that's what it was.

I don't know why the fatigue and the general weakness, tired and lousy feeling that I walked around with wasn't enough.

I don't know why it didn't bother me enough that I would become completely winded just walking up the single flight of stairs to my job.

I don't know why it didn't bother me enough that everything I owned was tight.  Worse, I was to the point that only a few things still even fit as my pile of "fat clothes" were fast becoming clothes I could no longer fit into.

I was having hygiene issues, gross I know, but my blood sugar was out of control and I was battling yeast under my breasts, I had to wash multiple times a  day just to keep it at bay, and I was losing the battle.  I don't know why that wasn't enough to push me to the point of doing something about my weight.

But all of these things were things I chose to overlook, or dismiss.  I was willing to live (loosely using the term "live") for late night stacks of cookies and tall cold glasses of milk.  I was willing to settle for the weak and exhausted just to stay on the couch.  I had absolute freedom to eat what I wanted when I wanted and as much as I wanted, but at what cost?

But it was the photo of myself standing next to my son on his graduation day that finally forced me to stand up and say "Enough!!"  I didn't want to live like this anymore, struggling with my weight, with food issues and just being miserable inside my own body.

It's a picture that someday I hope my grandchildren will look back on and say "Wow Grandma!  You were FAT!!!" And I pray they will say it with shock in their little voices because they cannot for the life of them imagine their grandma being so fat and out of shape. I hope when I take graduation pictures with both my younger children they will stand in stark contrast beside their brother's photo who graduated 8 and 7 years before them.  I hope it will be hard to believe I am actually almost a decade older in the photos that are still to come.

 I;m not done, I haven't met my goal, but I have confidence I will.  Why?  Because even though my weight has risen and fallen like an elevator in the past, this time is different.  Yesterday in church one of our pastors took a moment to address discipline.  And to paraphrase he basically said that all the discipline in the world is for not if Christ isn't behind the reason behind it.  I know that to be true, and even more, I would say it's not ever going to be truly successful unless Christ Himself  is the source of the strength required to live a disciplined life. 

That's the difference for me this time.  As excited as I am about the loss and change, I KNOW, get this, I ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, TO THE VERY DEPTH OF MY BEING KNOW, I could not do this, have the success I am having without God's help.  Every day I pray for His help and His strength and the humility in myself to know without Him, I am NOTHING. 

It's good that with a new year a lot of people are stepping up and trying to make positive changes in their lives.  It took till June of last year for me to finally get my act in gear, but I did and I am 65% of the way toward my goal.  That's exciting.  But the fact that it is an adventure with God helping me is what makes it life changing this time. 

The success to my life change is simple, I had to get to the point where I was willing to say Enough!  And actually do something about it, knowing that God was Enough to help see me through.

A New Low

Today is day 172 of my lifestyle change/ weight loss efforts. It's a big day for me because I actually find myself LOWER on the scale than I did when I lost so much weight two years ago.  I think it's likely that this is the lowest I have been since before my baby girl was born at the end of 2001.  I can't say that without absolute certainty because I wasn't one to weight myself for a lot of years because the numbers were so disheartening, but I do know it's the lowest I have been since my 40th birthday.

It's exciting for me because I have so much more balance in my weight loss this time.  Taking care of my body has its proper place in my life.  When I lost the weight at 40, I honestly think I was teetering on the edge of a midlife crisis.  There was an obsessiveness to the process and it wasn't completely for the right reasons, I was very hung up on how I looked, and who might be looking at me than I was about my overall health and well-being and feeling good.  This time the looking good (or better) is just a bonus, and not a focus.

When I lost all the weight the first time I was obsessively rolling out of bed every morning, every morning, to work out on the Wii Fit.  Morning workouts aren't a problem per se, but I remember a conversation with a friend at one point where I told her, "God will always be there, right now I need to focus on me and my body." Um, what?  Hello, danger!  Danger!  It wasn't very long after that that my weight loss efforts completely fell apart and I began the process of putting back on the 50+ lbs that I gained before this current effort to lose weight and get healthy in God's strength and not my own.  I put those 50 lbs on in 2 years.  I wonder if my friend wasn't praying for my perspective to get right.  If she was, I am grateful because I know I walked right up to and contemplated walking down a very dangerous path.

In that season of my life working out became like an addiction.  I remember finding myself in a hotel gym at 6 in the morning on a weekend trip with my husband because I HAD to work out, HAD TO.  It was compulsive and unhealthy.  I was on a marriage retreat weekend and focusing completely on me.  That's a person I don't want to be.

Am I proud of this weight loss?  Yes, I am. But I refuse to be PRIDEFUL IN this weight loss.  I know it's not about anything other than honoring God in my body.  I know it's by HIS power that I am able to have balance and make good choices, work out when I can, but never before or in lieu of spending time with the Lord.  The only thing I find myself being regimented in these days is spending time with Him.  I don't even roll out of bed without prayer, the Word and or journaling to Him.  And every day I pray, "Lord help me lose the weight, but help me keep it in the right perspective. And NEVER let me become full of myself in the process."

I have been open and shared a lot about this weight loss/ lifestyle change process because I want to encourage others.  With God's help ANYONE can do it.  And if you do it with Him, it is a journey worth taking.  All glory to Him!

As of Day 172 I have lost 50.9 lbs; I've lost 3" in each of my arms; 9" in my chest; 13" in my waist; 9" in my hips; and 5" in each of my thighs.  That's 62 1/2% way to my weight loss goal and a total of 47 inches.  That's less than 6 months, only 24 1/2 weeks, and I feel like a new person.  It took two things, saying "Yes" to God and allowing Him to be Lord of my body, the food I eat, and how I care for myself, and then taking the first step with my hand in His.  It's totally worth it, and again, ALL glory to Him!!!

Subtracting carbs

One of the biggest challenges I find in low carb dieting is family meals. In the early part of the diet I typically just go off on my own as far as meals go and don't try at all to eat with the rest of the fam. Sometimes they suffer the consequences though, lots of sandwich nights and frozen pizzas. It gets old quick.
Feeding a family low carb if they aren't eating strictly low carb isn't wise. The meals are often high in fat and calories, which is fine of you're low carb and in ketosis, but not great from a regular diet.
So the key to family meals when I'm dieting is to try to modify for myself subtracting the carbs. Beef stroganoff? Reserve a little meat and mushrooms before adding the sauce and noodle portions and mix a little sure cream in.
I've shared a picture of a family meal this week that I modified. It's not exactly a low day healthy option, but it's a great quick meal before church on a Wednesday night.
I cooked 5 sweet italian sausages as directed on the package. I took 3 whole sourdough rolls and 1/8 of another roll. I buttered the bread and sprinkled it with mozzarella and parmesan and broiled it. In a bowl I warmed about 1/3 cup of spaghetti sauce and spread it on the 3 whole rolls. I put a single sausage on each roll, for the family, dinner is served!
For my low carb option I took the remaining 3 sausages, cut them up, sprinkled them with the mozzarella and parmesan as well and stuck it under the broiler to melt the cheese. Then I serve it in the bowl that I warmed the sauce in so there us just enough to add a little flavor and I serve it with the little piece of cheese bread just to have the taste.
One meal cooked, two different styles, low carb and quick!

Holidays

It's a hard time of year to diet, but it's also a dangerous time of year not to set clear boundaries to keep from moving backwards in your weight loss/ life change goals.

I took the week before Thanksgiving off. I let myself break away from the low-carb regimen to enjoy holiday treats, but not eating low-carb meant having to pay more attention to portion sizes and calorie counts. I'm happy to report at the end of the week/ ten days off I was at the same weight after. 

I've had trouble getting back into ketosis this last week. Even eating primarily low-carb because I didn't go all the way back to hardcore induction phase of Atkins, I never got beyond small or trace ketosis. By the weekend I was discouraged enough I splurged and had some frozen yogurt with toppings at the movies yesterday.

Now the decision is do I try to get back on track tomorrow (because I made a yummy stew tonight) and do low-carb for three weeks till Christmas, or do I try to lose weight the old-fashioned way, eating less and moving more.  I did still manage to lose weight last week, so it might be a legitimate option.

It's encouraging to be moving the right direction on the scale even with more freedom in my eating because it gives me hope for real maintenance when I eventually reach my goal. Food is finally taking it's proper place in my life with God's help.

I'm trusting God will help me make the right choices to keep the scale dropping this holiday season.

The Fall Apart

This coming Monday will mark week 20 on my quest toward my weight goal that's 81.2 lbs below where I began.  Counting every 4 weeks as a month, I've lost right around 10 lbs/ month over the first 4 months. But as month 5 comes to a close, I've only lost about 3 lbs these last four weeks.

What's hardest about that realization is that it's been the last month that I've really taken my efforts to a higher level, working out harder and more often, even throwing (gulp) RUNNING into the mix. So working that hard with such significantly smaller results is a big bummer. And for those of you "inches vs. pounds" folk, my waist hadn't shifted on the last month either. And for you who want to warn me it gets harder as you get closer, I'm not THAT close. And no, I'm not buying into "muscle weighs more than fat" either, something is just not working. I've hit a wall.

To top it off, I learned some bad news today, I'm STILL a emotional eater. And today in my discouragement I fell back into some old habits and tried to eat my frustration.

I started the day out ok, Atkins bar in the morning, a little mid-morning popcorn and a little salami and cheese with bruschetta for lunch, then everything went down hill. First it was one cookie, and a piece of candy, then a second cookie, then three more. Feeling the panic of my decision I took some carb blockers hoping to curb the damage.

I made the mistake of buying the cookies at Trader Joe's. When I'm in a good place one little cookie with only 5 carbs isn't a huge problem, but 20 more cookie carbs, 8 from the candy, and it puts the whole popcorn serving at issue, especially when in the midst if the cookie debacle I finished off more than half the bag.

I went home even more discouraged knowing I was willfully shooting myself in the foot. It didn't stop me grabbing a tootsie roll out of the Halloween candy bowl when I got home though. It's like credit cards, once you use them, it's easy to use them again. Once you fall off the diet wagon it's easy to stay down and roll around in the dirt.

Tomorrow when I get on the scale I will have surely made matters worse. This is where I become painfully aware of the end of my willpower and how short it falls in the requirements to get to my goal.  I need to get some strength outside myself and get back on track. I can't let today's fall apart be the end of my journey toward my goal.