The Diet Killer

Not Low-carb but so delicious.

Ingredients:
2 Rome Apples
2 cans of crescent rolls
Cup of butter or margarine
Cup of white sugar
2 tbs vanilla bean ice cream
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup Cinnamon & sugar mixture (1:3 parts)
1/2 cup Mt. Dew

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350
Butter 13 x 9 glass pan
Core & peel apples cut each into 8 pcs
Wrap each slice in a crescent roll, place in pan
Melt 1 cup butter
Add 1 cup white sugar stir slightly
Turn off heat
Wait minute add 2 tbs ice cream, stir
Add 1/2 cup of brown sugar stir till dissolved, pour mixture over crescent rolls with apples.
Pour Mt. Dew around edges of pan.
Sprinkle cinnamon/ sugar mixture over top.
Bake for 40 minutes.
Serves great with Vanilla ice cream.

Total diet killer, but what a way to go!

Tying a knot

A rope ends wherever you tie the know (in my pretty little head anyway.) and I am tying my knot in the diet rope right here and now.

When to put on a pair of sweats for a late night walk and being tied from the last time I wore them, they were tight.  T.I.G.H.T.  I headed into my bathroom, grabbed my tape measure and the news was undeniable, I have put a couple INCHES back on!

I knew my clothes felt a little tight, and I felt myself gravitating toward a few of my larger items.  I stood right at the top of that slippery slope.  I have been here before and tumbled horribly!  And I refuse to slip any farther than I already have.

So, no more I'll start Monday... next week... etc.  I am back in the saddle post haste.

Goodbye carbs.  I cannot afford to play with you, I must bid you farewell.

The knot is ties and I am climbing back up the rope toward my goals.  I pray the damage is undone quickly and I intend to seek the Lord and His strength to make the right choice.  I don't ever want to be trapped inside that fat girl again!

The hardest part

Sigh.

I am hopeless and pitiful, and at the bottom end of "The Fight to Lose" once again. 

In the beginning of April I made a commitment to stick to a strict regimen for two months.  After (my own personal) March Madness I had put some weight back on and I needed to get it off as well as continue to work toward my goal.  I made a good effort throughout the month of April, and got back down close to where I was before March.  Then May hit and I stumbled again.  And in the first three weeks of the month I have fallen back down worse than where I was at the beginning of April!

This is how I gained 50 lbs in two years - and here I am facing my weakness and inadequacy right in the face again, back up over a number I swore I never would be. Failure.

Well, I suppose it's only failure if I continue on the path.  But I am having a hard time NOT continuing down it.

For the last few days I have been trying to be "good" in the non-"low-carb" sense just counting calories, but the scale continues to creep up.  I've also noticed that I FEEL like HELL!  Achy, tired, stiff.

My shoulder pain has been at the core of my issues.  I haven't been able to work out because of my shoulder.  When I can't work out I get discouraged and it gets hard to stick to the diet, then when I stumble in the diet I slip down the slippery slope and the weight comes on.

I've been in a lot of pain for the last few days, but I noticed today that it's a different ache, and it's not just in my shoulder (though it hurts too) - but it's in my joints, especially my elbows and my knees.  And so today it occurs to me, I think the source of it is the carbs I've been eating.  I think the aches and pains are my body reminding me that I need to eat low-carb because of my body, not to lose weight, but to live healthy.

I wish I could hold onto a sensory memory of how I feel right now - tired, a headache, aches in my elbows, knees, neck and BOTH shoulders so that when I am tempted to indulge in simple sugars (both refined AND natural) I would remember it's not worth it!  (That's why I'm blogging, so I can look back at this and remind myself.)

I'm going to be honest, I'm still not mentally and emotionally committed to getting back on the horse.  I'm looking toward a week of dinner plans and I don't want to be bound by the low-carb lifestyle. It's not easy all the time.  BUT...

It's what is healthy for me to keep my insulin resistance in check and to feel strong and energized.  It's the only way for me to lose OR keep off weight. 

The hardest part about the fight to lose (and keep it off) isn't fought in the physical, it's in the emotional and spiritual that the battle is won or lost.  And the body willfully follows right after the mind and spirit.

I've got to find my "want to," again, and it has to stand up stronger than all the things working against it, sore shoulder and all. 

A losing battle

I don't even know what to name this post.  "Stalled" is appropriate, but it's been used.  Stumbled may be a better option.

My determination for 60 days of strict diet and daily exercise has gone completely by the way side.  I made it a full month before I blew the diet aspect, but the exercise has fallen apart over and over again.  My shoulder has been a part of that problem, along with a full schedule and a little lack of desire.  I've just lost a little of my drive.

Last week I threw my hands up in the air and after 30 days of being strict to the diet I cheated and I cheated big, and then I cheated repeatedly. My will and intention was "just a couple days" but I ended up putting back on 3 of the 9 pounds I lost over the 30 days.  There is something about the "taking a break mentality" that leads to sort of a drunken sailor on a three day pass result.  I don't just enjoy a few things but I eat like there's no tomorrow, and like if I don't eat it now it will never be there to be eaten again.  It's the sick root that has created two decades of struggle with food. 

Even looking at the scale and suffering the "above 190" blues doesn't stop me.  It's like unleashing a beast, and it's the battle that has been driving me crazy for years. 

I am frustrated that I couldn't even get through my 60 days. Chalk up another failure.  And I am frustrated that I still really don't want to stick to the low carb effort.  Sometimes it just gets old and hard, even though it honestly is the best option for my body.  Just today I don't have the drive.

Tomorrow is my anniversary, and it's a Mother's Day weekend as well - I just want to enjoy a couple treats without guilt. Food and celebration, another battle. 

I am stuck.  Today I ordered a supplement.  I don't know if it's wise or foolish, but I just feel like I need to shake things up somehow.  I don't know if I'm on the diet or if I'm not.  I am frustrated.

I've lost 53 lbs which is only about 2/3 of the way to my original goal.  But I am seriously wondering if I can EVER even reach my goal without the luxury of a full time opportunity to do so ala Biggest Loser. Which by the way, I am no longer heavy enough for.  But I feel like a different kind of big loser in my failure to get anywhere near my goals. 

I don't know what to do.  Today I don't have the will or the drive to be "low-carb."  And today my shoulder is still interfering with my exercise.  I think I'm going to start walking again?  My knees hurt to, I don't know what to do.

I think today is just a really bad day.   This is why this blog is titled what it is - "The Fight to Lose," because it is without a doubt a FIGHT - and today it feels like a losing battle!  (There it is, the title for this post...)

Days 18-21 Pressing on

Friday morning I weighed myself as usual.  I was disappointed to see my weight had risen again up to 192.2, half a pound up from the previous day's 191.6.  I literally had a vision in my mind of a bouncing rubber ball... If you just bounce it and let it go, the bounces get literally smaller and smaller... I decided it had to be on sort of a hill to apply to this weight loss process, but bottom line, it seems to be two steps forward one step back in this very slow and grueling weight loss process.  So be it.  I press on.
I feel compelled to note that although yesterday was day 21 of this particular short term concerted weight loss effort, it is actually day 307 from the beginning of this whole process this time.

Saturday morning was a busy one, lots to do from first thing that day.  I have reestablished my priority to be in God's Word every morning first thing, as well as trying to spend my first few moments of the day speaking to Him.  So I did those most important things and when I actually got up and moving, it wasn't till I had eaten breakfast and was running out the door that I realized I forgot to weigh myself.  That's unusual because I am typically so faithful about it.  I remember being really surprised.

Saturday was a busy family celebration day and I had an important commitment in the evening.  I wasn't even home until almost 10 o'clock, and I was tired.  So all I had the energy or desire for was 10-15 minutes of yoga stretching.  I was going to let it count, figuring I could get back to business on Sunday.  But I didn't.

Sunday morning I forgot to weight myself AGAIN!  I was so surprised how it just seemed to slip my mind.  In a way, not obsessing about the scale is a good thing, and sort of a victory -- so long as I didn't gain any weight.  But how could I know?  But it was a busy day of church and errands, and I was tired.  By evening time a last minute grocery store run was required and I never was able to work a workout in to my schedule.  Truth be told, I am waiting to do anything with great exertion until my knee bands are delivered tomorrow, but a good walk would have been nice - it just got to be too late.

This is a good and bad place for me to be.  Not obsessing about my weight and exercise is healthy, as long as I remain faithful.  The days of not doing it have the potential to become weeks, months and full blown backslide into my old ways.  That didn't happen, I was good with my eating, even at a big family celebration, but the potential is there. 

I was relieved when I got on the scale this morning that things had moved in the right direction, but only. .2 pounds lower than they were last Thursday, that might be caused by a good burp. (wink)  But it was almost a pound lower than Friday, so the bouncing rubber ball picture popped back in my head... Eventually the two steps forward will overpower all the single steps back, IJN.  The important thing is I have been in the word and prayer daily... Glad I'm not cutting my carbs there and once again feasting on the Bread of Life. :)

Weight: 191.4 today.

Feeling: My shoulder and now my knee are a stumbling block, but they haven't stopped me yet.  My shoulder is seriously a mystery, really good days, really rough days, but the pain moves about and manifests in so many different ways.  Yesterday the "mechanism" of my shoulder and the joint felt great, but my upper arm ached really bad.  Interestingly I have discovered that "resting" on the couch or even in my hubby's recliner causes great pain, so even though it is hindering my exercise in some ways, it hinders becoming a couch potato even more. I'm getting some knee straps in the mail tomorrow.  I am hopeful it will help with the "loose" knee on my right side and protect the knee on my left from following suit.

Eating: I'm doing "OK."  I move in and out of ketosis, I can tell, never really getting to the dark purple that I'd like to be in.  I think it's why the loss is so slow, but I am moving toward the "lifestyle" of low carb, I suppose, it will all work out in the end.  It was a family celebration weekend and I did good resisting.  I took a couple nibbles of goodies and did great on entree.  Yay me.  Yesterday I overcame a hard core craving for some frozen yogurt covered in candy with a yummy low carb (my invention) alternative.  SO I am pleased with that choice.

Moving: Friday night we were out late and I had to fit my exercise in just under the wire going on a long walk not long before midnight. Honestly it was the draw to a "prayer walk" that got me out there as much as it was keeping my commitment to exercise daily.  Saturday all I did was a little stretching after a long busy day as I mentioned and Sunday was a "fail" on working out, but today hopefully will be back on the horse... or rather, moving on my own in front of him.

Thoughts: Having just over 25 pounds to go, about a third of my original weight loss goal, it is too early to consider this the home stretch, and I have to be careful not to settle for where I am (for a list of reasons) but I also have to continue to be realistic and make this all a part of my lifestyle (eating low carb and exercising regularly). So somewhere is the balance, I don't know where yet, obviously, but once again I determine to just press on. :)

Day 17 - Social Suicide

One of the HARDEST parts about dieting is the social aspect.  Food is always tied in to the center of social events.  Bible study? Someone bring a snack.  An evening with friends almost always includes dinner and dessert.  My bunco nights, dinner and dessert there too.  Sometimes control is limited.  You can't ask someone to arrange their menu according to your diet plan (well you can, but it's a tad bit rude to expect them to accommodate you.)  

I have some great friends who keep me in mind when I'm coming and at least add an "option" I can have.  In my Growth Group (Bible Study) I don't know if it's been because of my diet (I don't think I have been that vocal there) it's been mostly carb friendly snacks.  But last night the woman who brought snack totally did not take my low carb needs into consideration!  Oh wait.... I was snack lady last night!  So it was ME who shot ME in the foot!  

First I picked up a couple little trays of treats from Trader Joe's. They hold a dozen different little cake pieces, one of my friends had served it at a Bunco, and I was pleasantly surprised to find if I could limit myself to one piece of 2 of the 3 options I could keep it to just 6 carbs!  6 carbs is a great option for a taste of something yummy and sweet. 

Problem was I got home and plated it and I felt like I wasn't bringing enough.  So I texted my hubby and asked him to stop back by Trader Joe's and pick up a little tub of one of my favorite cookies.  They are one of my favorites and I knew they would be a big hit.  I just didn't think about what a huge hit they are with me personally. 

But I had a plan - one or two little treats (~12 carbs) and a cookie (13 carbs) along with a dose of carb blockers which is good to block between 40-50 carbs.  A treat, a plan, and everybody wins... well, I win.  Or I could have IF I had stuck to the plan, but one cookie turned into one and a half... and then by the time we were driving into the driveway at home I think I topped out at 7 or 8.  I didn't just fall off the wagon, I jumped with absolute joyful abandon.

Now a whole new battle for me begins - the mindset pops up of "Well, I already blew it so I might as well..." I might as well what?  Take another day of cheating and eat more food that's going to counter meeting my goals?  Or take off till the weekend, we're celebrating my grandma's birthday this weekend which means my dad is making cake! (And people my dad makes CAKE!!!)  All of these temptations loom even larger since despite my fall, the scale was actually down again this morning and lowest it's been since I got back on track!  It's so easy to convince myself to do what I want to in my flesh rather than what I need to do for my own well-being (seriously people, my dad's cake...)

So I have to ask God to help me, and with that help we have got to run like mad and catch up with that wagon and climb back on!  I have to look at the big picture and remind myself that thin and healthy FEEL better than ANYTHING tastes (though the cake and last night's cookies do try.)  And dieting in social settings takes great planning and care.  Eat before you go (I do that a lot with Bunco); chew sugar free gum (that's a GREAT tool, though it's not always the most attractive); hydrate!  bring a bottle of water and sip, sip, sip away; BYOT - Bring your own treat.  Grab something yummy and low carb to snack on if you know you'll be somewhere where tempting food will have to be overcome. And finally, definitely do NOT bring your own favorite tempting weakness when you are in charge of snack, that's just never a good plan at all!

Weight: 191.6

Feeling: Pretty good, a little bit of pain in the shoulder, more than yesterday, but much better than a week ago.  The knee is a little bit of an issue.  I cut my trampoline run a little short last night because it was bothering me, but not enough I didn't at least consider getting back on to counter my carb failure... but I didn't.

Eating: Shaking head, lowers eyes in shame... darn cookies!  But I'm BAAAAACK in the SADDLE again... I'm BAAACK!!!  (Steven Tyler impersonation complete.)

Moving: Came home after falling off the wagon and stretched.  MY knee feels like it's a pop or stretch from feeling normal, but no such luck.  It didn't miraculously feel better.  In my mind I set out to run for 45 minutes to an hour after stretching (counter carb workout that I have NEVER done..) but I didn't even make my maximum goal.  About 27 minutes I stepped off because of the knee.  Worked up a great sweat though.  Hoping things will be back on track soon!

Thoughts: I am trying very hard not to be on a "diet."  Low-carb needs to be my lifestyle for health benefits (in my personal situation) and so I need to walk the fine line of grace to realize I won't get through life without ever eating carb rich foods, but also I can't let those meals, snacks or days be a slippery slope.  And I did make a commitment to try to be more faithful and focused for 60 days, so in that respect yesterday's choices were a failure, but it's not about how we fall, it's about whether or not we get back up again. Right?

Day 16 - I need a victory

Weight: 192.2

Feeling: My shoulder really seems to be improving.  My knee is not bad, but I may have to look into a brace or some sort of support for workouts to keep it that way. 

Eating: I am my own worst enemy.  I am still not deep in ketosis and still struggling with things like late night snacking and eating close to my critical carb level.  I'm still in small to trace most of the time. 

Moving: After a great workout the night before last, I took it easy yesterday and just did some yoga stretching.  I am torn between my daily workout goal (which I already blew) and the concept of 3-4 workouts per week that seems to be so popular.  Our Tuesday schedule was thrown off last night and I was struggling with other things so forcing myself to do the stretching was as much as I had in me.

Food isn't comfort, it isn't entertainment, it isn't supposed to be anything other than fuel.  Is food to be enjoyed?  Yes, of course, that's fine, but it really needs to be "enjoyed" within it's actual purpose, to fuel the body to work.  But too often I am guilty of turning to it for other things:

- comfort in disappointment, sadness of frustration
- entertainment for boredom
- fulfillment of a non-hunger craving ("I just want something sweet"... "salty"... "crunchy"...)

It's a poor substitute for comfort and entertainment, and just saying no to a craving is a good thing, but still the inclination is to turn to it anyway, even knowing it will bring regret and disappointment in myself after the fact.

I have gotten BETTER in these areas, but I have not found total victory.  Last night it was pistachios and a diet soda at 11 pm.  I weighed myself before hand and my weight was actually very close to my morning weight which is atypical.  I KNEW I should just pass on a snack or even just go to bed.  I KNEW better, but I still went back out into the kitchen and back in front of the TV and found something to indulge in.  I really need to work on that.  Who knows? My weight might have been even better this morning if I'd just said no.  I wasn't hungry, I just wanted something to snack on, and once you start on a bag of pistachios, it's hard to stop,  No, I didn't eat the whole bag, but I ate too many. (One was probably too many.)

If I don't get these issues under control and get victory in these areas I will always be highly prone to fall back into my old bad habits and put my weight back on.  It not only puts me at risk of never getting to my goal, it puts me at risk going back to a weight I never want to be again.  I've got to get the victory over these battles.