Little Miss Independent

Sigh. I'm in trouble. I've said many times in life and on this blog, that my weight and food issues are more spiritual than physical. And physically, I've been doing pretty well, but spiritually, I'm seriously slipping.
I've been working out almost daily. That's not by itself a bad thing, but the obsession has begun.  I broke away from my old work out routine hoping to loosen things up, but out hasn't been working.
I've been doing Just Dance 3, then I added in Wii Fit again, I find myself getting obsessive with numbers, it's not healthy for me.  The body priority is slowly climbing above the spirit again, and I just can't go there.
If I'm going to get healthy and lose weight, it's going to have to be Holy Spirit dependent, and I've been moving fast toward doing it all on my own.
My shoulders are really achy from all the working out. I took the issue as a reason for a day off, mostly to hinder the obsession.
I was hoping to do some housework and take a walk with the Lord, but a crash of our home computer sent me another direction. Even my walks lately that I intended to spend praying have reverted to mindless, distracted and purposeless exercise. Yes, purposeless, because if I'm not able to put the Lord first and focus on Him, even a stellar size 8 won't be a good thing.
I'm hoping to maybe take a low key, late night stroll still, more for the conversation than for the exercise though  because I am far more concerned with my spiritual heart than my physical one.

Facing a Giant

This weekend was great for me, I'm officially "back on the horse." I walked about 5 or 6 miles going to have lunch with girlfriends, then after I walked to CVS to pick up a new battery for my pedometer so I can start working towards 10,000 steps per day.
Sunday I walked home from church, which is about 4 1/2 miles, and a lot of the walk was kind of hilly. Today I'm feeling it in my legs, but it's a good hurt. Sunday evening I played Just Dance 3 with my daughter for about 45 minutes or so. It was quite a work out, but we had fun!!
After the previous two weekend were wasted sitting on the couch until my hips hurt, this was a wonderful change. I am thrilled to be back moving. But even as great a this week and especially the weekend had been, there was a challenge that loomed, facing a giant.
In 2010 when I had so much success working out and losing weight, my Wii Fit Plus was my daily companion. Wii is a difficult taskmaster who groans as you step on the board if you've gained even a pound. I honestly couldn't bear to face what Wii would say after this major fall. Honestly, it's been part of why I kept putting it off. Yes, sad, I know, but true, I could not face the little Wii.
But after such a great weekend, I decided today was the day to bite the bullet and quite literally "step up to the plate." It wasn't pretty. Wii groaned, oh how he groaned. "He" also informed me it had been 446 days since my last work out. That's a sad statement about 2011. Then it let me know I had gained 21.6 lbs. To be honest I was a little relieved. It must have been a random sole shot at working out after the slide had begun, because like I shared before I am currently 38 lbs above my lowest 2010 weight, that makes 21.6 not sound so bad.
But the point is, I did it. I faced my reality, I faced my giant. I didn't come close to 10,000 steps today, that's going to be tough on the days I'm stuck at the office, but I did get 35 minutes on Wii Fit, and the kids and I danced 7 songs with our Just Dance games.
My giant is far from slain, but I'm ready to face "him" in the battle. My body aches in many places, but I'm fighting. Let me say though, just like David fought Goliath because he knew God was on his side, I'm doing this with the Lord on mine. There won't be the morning workouts like 2010, that's my time in the Word. Walks will still mean prayer and I'm giving God all the glory in reigniting my fire to get healthy, but this time staying spiritually strong. IJN!!!

Thinking Thin

Today was a very good day. I've actually had several good days. This week I began restricting my refined sugar intake. Other than one small scoop of ice cream at dollar scoop night, I didn't eat any. And since I'm a "sweet after eat" girl, let's just say that's huge.
I've had my fair share of 40 calorie clementine oranges and chewed lots of gum. But I have resisted the sugar. But I gave myself permission on this lifestyle revamping to loosen the reigns on the weekend and allow myself a little more freedom.
Thursday morning while I was making the bed I was thinking to myself, "I can't wait till this weekend when I can reward myself with something sweet." And no sooner did the thought cross my mind when I heard "or you could reward yourself by not undoing your progress."  It was a total a-ha moment!  It was a little on the radical side. What a concept!
I'm guessing you thin people think this should be an obvious statement, but to those of us who struggle with food (not weight but food) this is not the natural inclination in thinking.
When the weekend got here, the thought stuck with me. Neal and I took our younger two kids out to dinner Friday night. I only ate half my meal. For people like me, overcoming the "clean your plate" mentality is a major victory. When we went out for yogurt after, I ordered a small, not a regular but the real victory was in throwing away almost half of it. These are things thin people do naturally, for those of us who struggle with food, these are great accomplishments.
Today was a very good day for me. I met girlfriends for lunch but I walked to the restaurant, I resisted most of the chips and dip and after lunch I walked several miles to the store. At the end of the day, I walked somewhere near 6 miles. I ate only a salad, and ate only out of true hunger.
I took the kids to the movies tonight and when we went for yogurt after I again stopped eating only half. (This batch made it to the freezer though.)
The best part of all this though is the sense of "help" I have. I truly believe that whisper to my heart Thursday morning was from the Holy Spirit, encouraging me on.
As I was walking home today, the thought occurred to me, this past year I spent really being in the Word and seeking God. I sowed good seed abiding in Him, I think perhaps I'm in the beginning of a reaping season, because this "fruit of the Spirit" called self-control could only be from God.
So I give Him glory for this good start. And I know the key is for me to continue to abide. My battle with my weight and food has always been a spiritual issue, and I am hopeful to finally be on the right track. I'm excited to be down 5 lbs this week, but even more excited for the spiritual strength I feel.
Praise the Lord, with His help, I am indeed eating less and moving more!!!

One Bite at a Time.

How did I get back here? One bite at a time. That's a disappointing and tragic real-life twist on an otherwise fun idiom. But it's also extremely true. I have got back from within 8 lbs of where I was when I started trying to lose weight in September 2009. The only thing I have not done is get out "the shorts" I kept as a "where I was" measurement, because I know if I put them on, they would be far too close to a perfect fit. (You can see me in them, hiding behind Ethan in the 2nd picture from the left across the top of the page.)

In September 2009 I went on Atkins, and by January 1st, 2010, I was down 30 lbs. I started a solid workout regimen with the New Year and continued to lose. By summer I was feeling great, getting strong, loving life and down another 19 lbs, without being on Atkins. But shortly after that, something began to unravel. It started with a chaotic summer schedule. By the end of the summer I was up 13 lbs. Over the next year, I gained back 32 more pounds. I got within just 5 lbs of where I started, having to scrounge through and find the few "fat clothes" I'd had kept, and buy a few things to replace the ones I had thrown away. 2011 was a year of utter failure physically.

As great as 2010 was physically, it was not a good year for me spiritually. The truth is, my "health" and my body, and working out had become idols to me. I remember a conversation with a friend where I actually made the statement, "I know I am focusing on my body a lot, but God will always be there, being in the Word and pursuing Him can wait." And it did. And I slipped further and further away from Him, until one day in September 2010 He pressed through my arrogance and woke me up. I went running to Him (in the non-exercise sense) and abandoned any efforts to stay physically active. And I went back into old routines with food, and one bite at a time, the weight climbed back up.

2011 I did a lot of things right. Spiritually speaking, my focus was good. I was back in the Word like I had not been in years. I found my first love, and I was faithful in pursuing the things of God. Physically, however, I was NOT honoring the Lord. It was a year of a lot of challenges and difficulties, and I often substituted the comfort of food for the comfort of God. It's a cheap counterfeit, and it has a lot of negative consequences. In addition to my clothing issues, I don't feel well, I suspect my blood pressure is back up, and my asthma (which had been dormant for nearly a decade) has presented problems again.

So here we are in 2012, and I want this year to get it right, I want it to be the year of balance... keeping God first in my life, and being the good steward of my body that He desires for me to be. After a year of injury in 2011, I am only feeling the consequences of the sedentary lifestyle I settled back into, no specific issues. And here's the thing, I know the solution to that problem, get moving. Get active, suck it up and go, but don't eat so much along the way.

I know I could go back on Atkins tomorrow and lose a ton (ok, not quite that bad) but a lot of weight. Atkins IS good for me, in that with a blood condition I have, it works well. BUT it is not very practical, it's expensive and it's difficult to feed my family around it. And you could of course make a good argument against the nutrients it lacks. But the bottom line is, for me, Atkins is just another bondage. I become obsessed with every bite I'm going to get to eat. And like I need to be careful with other idols, like my body and exercise, I have to be careful with the diet idol as well.

19 of the pounds I lost (in 5 or 6 months) were lost with the basic principle, "eat less, move more." That's my primary plan- not a diet, or a regimen, just a way of life. I'm starting by walking, at least every other day- but I'm making them prayer walks, Jesus is my walking buddy. I am restricting sugar intake during the week, by not eating any more than one scoop at $1 Scoop Night with family and friends. I'm trying to watch calories and see if that's effective. I may find counting carbs is inevitable, but this is where I am starting.

I don't know how much I'm going to blog here. Accountability is good, but I am not proud of the chronicles of my failures so far. But maybe this time will be different. Maybe I'll go back eventually to the format that I started this blog with, but suffice it to say, I'm 12 lbs heavier than I was when I did. I hope I can find a way to make that inspiring instead of depressing, because I have got to find victory! In Jesus' name!

The Goal is Freedom

I've been thinking about deleting this blog. It started out as a concept in my mind, I thought it would be what I needed to press through and get back on track and get my weight back down. But it didn't turn out that way.

I am actually five pounds heavier than I was when I started the blog.

When I last posted I was looking toward summer as an opportunity to get more active and get back on track. But then I hurt my back, and I was battling with the pain of it. Then by the end of June I had an accident that completely shut down my "back on track" plans when I ended up with a limp for most of the month of July. In fact, it's only been a week or two that I have actually walked around without pain in my ankle (though coming down stairs is still a challenge), but the pain in my back has reached serious and severe levels with no improvement.

But lack of exercise didn't have to put a limp in food changes, but it did.

Last week I woke up one morning and as I was entering consciousness I heard myself say, "I confess to you Father that I've made food an idol." All I can say is, it had to be the work of the Holy Spirit because I just don't think I would have confessed such a thing of my own free will.

Then Monday night at Bible study I found myself giving my food issues as the example in my life of walking in the flesh instead of walking in the Spirit. Suddenly I heard myself talking about the SIN of overeating. And suddenly I realized what freedom there was in calling it sin.

Jesus died to give me victory over sin. And here's the thing, it's a done deal. SIN has lost. So Tuesday I changed my mindset. I thought about the battle, instead of focusing on the spoils.

When I let SIN win, I enjoyed the spoils. Pigging out, eating sweets and fried foods is fun. It tastes good. And when I just surrender the battle, I enjoy it, and it's not until I can't zip up my pants that regret settles in. But once I put on a comfy pair of sweats or the capri's that still fit, the shame and sadness of not fitting into my jeans doesn't resonate strongly enough to put down the doughnut.

But Tuesday I decided I didn't want to work on willpower anymore. I'm going to call the overeating what it is, it's sin. And I am going to focus not on the food, and not even the eating, I'm going to focus on the Spirit that lives in me. Because greater is He that lives in me than he that lives in the world. And God is for me, and wants me healthy and strong.

As I write this, I can tell you today was not a great day. Neal made not one but TWO stops at cupcake shops on the way home from the beach. There are 2 cupcakes eaten, but there are also 2 cupcakes in the kitchen I'm saying "no" to. Somewhere in the midst of those four cupcakes is God's grace.

My goal isn't actually a number on a scale. I am sure I have said that here before. My goal is freedom in my eating. I want food just to be food. I want to be wise and equipped to make healthy choices, but I don't want to walk around disheartened over cupcakes eaten.

So this week I went to the chiropractor to start getting my back issue corrected. I also started doing yoga again, though it is a pressing through the pain. I finally found a store where I can buy fresh produce at a reasonable price. And for the last week not only I, but also my family has been snacking more on nectarines, grapes, strawberries and peaches, and less cookies and chips have been consumed. Truth be told, the cupboards are pretty bear right now, but the fruit drawer in the fridge is full. It's a step of wisdom towards freedom with food.

I am monitoring my intake more, and paying attention to calories and fat grams, because there is nothing bad about having knowledge and being equipped. There's an app for that... and I'm using it, literally. I'm going to hunt down my pedometer this week for the same purpose. I will climb on the scale from time to time, but I'm not going to let it decide how my day will go.

My goal is good health. Good food choices and more activity are key. The size of my clothes don't have to be, though they may. My goal is to live in the freedom and victory that Christ died to give me. I'm taking food off the throne it's held in my life, and letting Christ be Lord, of all.

I don't know how much I will be blogging here, it may become part of the routine, or this blog may soon get shut down. I don't know, we'll see where the Lod leads.

Holy Hormones, Batman!

There is always an excuse to overeat and indulge. One sure fire free pass for indulgence is when "Aunt Flow" visits. Actually her anticipation is often used as an excuse as well.

She wasn't a regular visitor for me until literally the weekend of my 40th birthday. She still doesn't come around as often as with most women I know, but for me she went from once a year or less to clockwork sort of visitation schedule (4-6 times a year) starting the weekend of my 40th birthday.

When my weight was down it was really consistent (that brief year,) but now that the weight has been creeping back up I thought I wouldn't see her again, but I was mistaken. 15 years of weight and infertility issues just because I never ovulated, (it was the vicious cycle of insulin resistance and polycystic ovaries) that I struggled to have my kids, now that the ship has passed I'm more fertile than I've ever been in my life. Thank you Lord for the big V - and for a husband who willingly endured it, or I may have had a slew of mid-life babies.

But I digress. The point it, the "visitor" is an added battle in resisting sweets and indulgence. Hormones raging and they cry out for chocolate medication. The temptation is to feed the storm. Maybe there are actual cravings because of the hormones, I don't know. Or maybe the fluctuation in the hormones cause the emotional tidal waves and the temptation is to address those with food. To top it off for me it means a day or two on the couch, which births boredom, which totally draws you (or me, at least) to the fridge.

I actually really did well this past week. So much so in fact, I'm a litytle proud, but it was a constant battle to overcome. I kept hearing the whisper of "license" in the back of my mind, "It's ok, it's that time. But instead I managed to throw away a bag of chocolate I stumbled across. That's a huge victory on a regular day, but one of those days, it's like I deserve a reward! Lord willing, it won't be chocolate.

Sorry Victory

Been doing pretty well the last few days. It feels a little like food has lost its grip. It's a good feeling. Feeling hunger a lot more often. It's a sad victory, but a victory just the same.

My devotional from last night, Jesus Lives by Sarah Young, really spoke to me last night. It said, I know you often feel incomplete, as if some vital part of you is missing. When this is just a feeling, not a conscious thought, you respond in many unproductive ways: comforting yourself with food, seeking entertainment, searchingfor yourself in the mirror, and so on. All the while I (God) am waiting for you to remember Me.

I think that's been the difference this last week, I have been remembering who my God is. I am remembering what it means to belong to Him, and to walk in the victory He has given me.

Of course I know that isn't the whole recipe for success. Wednesday is the first, and in honor of the new month I'm going to break my pedometer back out and revive my goal for 10,000 steps a day. It's the first step.