Surrender

I started the Atkins diet back up yesterday. I have avoided doing for many months, and many more pounds. In my mind, it's a defeat. It's like coming to the point of admitting I don't have what it takes to get the weight off any other way. It feels like surrender.

But almost 48 hours in, I already feel significantly better. Lighter. It's not weight loss  it's just my body feels less weighed down.

The truth is, Atkins works for me. I have issues physiologically speaking that avoiding carbs and sugar make better.  I know there are a thousand naysayers who are anti Atkins but results don't lie.

Sunday, my last carb day I loaded up on potatoes, bbq beans, and brownie ice cream sundaes. When we got into the pool, I felt awful, not just fat but thick. If you don't know that feeling, it's hard to explain, but if you do, you can feel my pain.

When I eat low-carb/no carb, I lose that feeling. Granted, I have a lot... A LOT of weight to lose, but when I cut the carbs and sugars, I actually feel like maybe there is hope that I can get the weight off. I have the strength to move and get off the couch.

It's not easy, but maybe it's not surrender (or failure) after all. Maybe it's just recognizing that sometimes what we want doesn't line up with what actually is. The important thing is moving toward the change I desperately need.

Depression

Depression.

What it looks like: For me it looks like a lack of drive. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to go to work. I don't want to go to church. I don't want to get off the couch, not even to get up and go to bed at the end of the night. I don't want to cook for my family. I don't want to pray or read my bible or write in my journal. What depression looks like for me is not wanting to do anything.

What it sounds like: Yes, depression has a voice. Sometimes, maybe most of the time, it's a voice inside of my own head, but it's talking is incessant, and it has nothing good to say. It tells me that people don't care, that friends don't call or connect because they're not really my friends. In the midst of transition it comes with the subtext that says they've abandoned you. Other times it says they were never your friends and what you thought was a relationship wasn't even real. Both of these scenarios make me feel foolish. This voice also speaks words of rejection, constantly. It tells you people don't like you, it makes you wonder what the meaning behind people's words actually is. And this is when the voice of depression comes out of other mouths. Criticism equals rejection, even when it's constructive. And things light a slighted handshake, or a funny look scream judgment, even if it's only in my own head.

What it feels like: Do you remember the Peanuts character "Pigpen"? When I think about how depression feels for me, that's the best word picture I can come up with. That cloud of dirt that floats around Pigpen may dissipate, he might run quickly and you won't even see it until he slows down again, but it's still there. That's what depression feels like, it has good days and bad, and some days it looks like it's not even there, but it is, it's lingering, and as soon as you slow down, it catches up to you. Maybe that's why for me at least, waking up is the hardest. Still, lying in bed, I just don't want to move. I wish the day wouldn't start and that I didn't have to face it. It feels like pulling the covers over my head and going back to sleep would be the best possible plan for the day, with only short "field trips" to the refrigerator where I make bad eating choices and eat myself beyond capacity.

Good days: I'm fortunate, most of my days are good days simply because my life still takes precedence over my feelings, and I can't succumb to the desire to stay in bed in the morning. I'm a wife and a mom and I have a job. I have to get out of bed; there are children to taxi, bills to pay, work to be done. On the good days busyness keeps the cloud of depression just far enough behind me that it won't catch up until I slow down and the house grows quiet. People won't even question how you're doing because you manage to keep the overwhelming feelings at bay. The biggest threat those days are those few discerning people who see past the facade, the ones who look you straight in the eye and ask you how you're doing. On the good days though, as soon as you catch your breath you can smile and laugh and tell them "everything's fine."

The days in between: Those days that aren't great days but also aren't the worst filter themselves in between them. Those are the days when you avoid the people who might ask how you are. Naps are an important part of those days, the harder the day, the longer the nap. I might eat to much or have an angry outburst, the voices are louder those days, the cloud is harder to run ahead of. Those days are like wading in the water at the beach, the waves push and pull at me constantly and sometimes knock me down. But I never lose sight of the shore, though I'm worn out by the end of the day.

Bad days: My life doesn't allow me to stay in bed, so instead my bad days are clothed in pajamas. The furthest I make it is to the couch in front of the TV, and Netflix and Facebook are my only companions. On those days if I dare to allow them when my family is home, they tend to circulate outside of my cloud. The kids play outside, the husband works in the yard-- they seem instinctively to know not to step too close to the vortex for fear they might be sucked into the cloud. I'm not sure they recognize it for what it is, or can even put a name on it, but they know I'm in a "mood" and so giving me "space" seems to be their best option. On those days there aren't many angry outbursts because we're all just happier if we don't interact. The refrigerator as well is my faithful friend. There are dents in my couch from the days where I seem to grow there, so heavy and full I can barely stand up.

What depression isn't: It isn't a bad attitude or a choice. It isn't something that I can just power through and "get over," especially not in my own strength. "Fighting depression" is a bit of a false concept. Like the cloud that it feels like, "fighting it" feels like beating the air. You cannot fight a cloud. I remember before I ever experienced depression feeling judgmental towards people who talked about suffering from it. But for the record, I don't like that term, "suffering from it." I think a better description is "suffering in it." Depression is a lot like walking into a dark and unfamiliar room and being spun around until you're completely disoriented and then being told to find your way out. But the problem is, the room is filled with obstacles, desks and chairs you run into, and they hurt like hell. And the longer you wander around, the more damaged you feel, the more exhausted and disheartened you grow.

What depression is: It's a battle. Physical, emotional and spiritual. Sometimes where the battlefront lands varies. I have had days, sometimes several in a row where taking a shower is too much. Overeating can be practically suicidal, eating yourself into oblivion, wanting to say no,knowing it's wrong, and taking another bite or ten anyway. I'm not a crier, even in the worst of depression tears rarely come; but for me, sometimes it's the overwhelming desire to let out tears that just aren't there that become a battlefield for me. It feels like maybe there would be relief in a good cry, but the cry never comes. Anger, hostility, over-sensitivity, rejection, loneliness, isolation all show themselves on the emotional battlefield. And the spiritual battle, that perhaps is the worst of it, because sometimes it isn't just a battle, it's actual warfare. Sometimes the voice inside my head isn't just my own, sometimes it's the voice of a spiritual enemy.

The bible says that Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy, and depression is a perfect tool. Sometimes he masks his voice as my own mental thought. The accuser robs of abundant life-- he tells lies that say this is it, life won't ever get any better. He points at the (innocent) actions of others and twists them, accusing them of not being your friend or on your side, that they don't care about you, that they never cared about you. Sometimes his voice is an occasional whisper, sometimes it is relentless. Sometimes it is constant and sometimes he waits for his moment, your moment of weakness and he shouts. "Drive your car off that ledge." "Slam into that wall." Suicidal thoughts, they do come in the midst of depression. For me that has always tended to be the moment when my enemy "shows his hand," and I recognize that I'm in a fight, and it's time to get up out of the corner where I'm cowering and fight back. That's usually the moment when I stand up to my bully by calling on my Dad. But I'm pretty banged up by then. But I'm one of the fortunate ones in this regard, because too many people "fighting depression" actually find this crossroads to be a passageway to an even darker place. I'm fortunate, I don't think I've ever gotten sucked into the worst of the darkness, but that room that I do visit, it's hard enough, scary enough, bad enough.

What's the answer: That dark disorienting place, the one where you hurt yourself as you roam around looking for the way out, what is the solution? I don't believe it's usually medication, at least not for me. Medicating myself doesn't work (with food, or busyness) and I don't believe that actual medication is a better plan either-- I don't actually deal with the situation, nothing actually changes the medicine just makes it so I don't care that I'm in the room. So how do you get out of the room? The fact is, I don't think you can get out of the room on your own. At least I know I can't. I can't "pull myself up by the bootstraps" and press through. I think the truth is you have to be led out. Someone else has to either call out to you, and let you follow their voice, or even better, someone who can see in the darkness needs to come and take you by the hand and lead you out. Lead me out.

I think truthfully there is really only One who can do that. Only One sees the darkness as though it were light. Jesus alone can come in and rescue you. Yes I know there are those who will disagree with me. There are those who have found medication and therapy. If I TRULY want OUT of the room I have to let Him lead me out, not just take a little something that makes me not care about being in the room, or talk to someone who makes it acceptable to be in the room. (I'm not saying there is never a time for medication or therapy, I actually believe strongly in biblical counseling I'm just saying it's a process, and not a solution.) Jesus alone is the solution.

Today in church we were singing a song during worship, and there is a line that says. "You are Light, You are Light when the darkness closes in..." It pierced the darkness I've been battling lately. It's not that it was something I didn't know, but it's something that in the midst of the darkness and disorientation, I often find myself forgetting. It was a timely reminder. Honestly, I think it was the Lord's voice calling out to me towards the door. "Walk towards Me," He said. He is Light. He can see in the midst of the darkness even when I cannot. And the beautiful thing about Him calling out? If I just step one faith filled step toward His voice,I will quickly find His hand there for me to grab hold.

Why am I telling this to the world: I believe that depression is one of those "secret sins" among Christians. I think it's a lot more common than people realize, or care to admit. There are a lot of "glass half full" believers (God bless them,the rest of us need them desperately) but sometimes there is something to be said to admitting the glass is half empty, and sometimes even completely empty... on occasion the glass is crushed and the water is all over the floor. And the "half-full" crowd has the capacity for seeing a silver lining when others of us find ourselves sucked into that pigpen cloud unable to see the lining at all. Being a believer does not exempt us from pain or struggle. It does not exempt us from depression. I am not exempt. I also know, I am not alone. So the reason I am sharing is in hope that someone else might feel a little less alone if they are facing battles like mine. I'm not alone, and neither than you. And if you listen closely you just might hear the same voice I heard this morning in worship.

"You are Light, You are Light, when the darkness closes in..."

Jesus is calling you toward His voice, toward the door. Take a step of faith, reach out. I believe you will find His hand reaching out to you, grab it tightly, and He will lead you out.

3 lbs.

On my 40th birthday, I felt the best I had in over a decade. I'd lost 50 lbs, was exercising daily, my blood pressure was down, my blood sugar was good.  I had thrown away all my "fat clothes," I could actually run. I remember on my birthday specifically thinking that I felt even better than I did when I turned 30.

Sigh.

What a long way I've fallen since.

3 lbs. That's all that is between me and the highest weight I've ever been. The shorts I kept in my drawer as a reminder of how far I'd come would fit if I pulled them out of my drawer now. But I can't bear to. I cannot bear the shame.

I've shared here before about the fact that when I was in such exceptional health physically, actually I was in dire straits, at risk of a great fall. Since then things have much improved spiritually, but at great physical expense. But if I'm honest that's not completely true.

Obviously there is a serious lack of balance, order and discipline in my life. Gluttony is an obvious issue. I've gone downhill quickly the last nine months eating my hurt, anxiety and stress, harming myself in the process.
I've made excuses. "At least I'm better spiritually." And I am, but not better enough. "If something has to give, better exercising than reading my bible." Maybe there is truth in the statement, but Jesus came that I might have abundant life. And the condition of my body is robbing me of it.

I didn't want to do Atkins again. I said it was just exchanging one bondage for another. Maybe that's true, but it works. I'm hoping it will be the kick start to getting healthy again. Where I am I can barely move much less exercise. Discipline will be a tool.

When summer starts at the school year's end, I plan to begin a no carb/ low carb summer. I have to. Because in this "fight to lose," I've given up the fight. I've got to scrap and scrounge, and dig my way out of this pit. I'm hoping for the Lord's help along the way. In Jesus' name.

Little Miss Independent

Sigh. I'm in trouble. I've said many times in life and on this blog, that my weight and food issues are more spiritual than physical. And physically, I've been doing pretty well, but spiritually, I'm seriously slipping.
I've been working out almost daily. That's not by itself a bad thing, but the obsession has begun.  I broke away from my old work out routine hoping to loosen things up, but out hasn't been working.
I've been doing Just Dance 3, then I added in Wii Fit again, I find myself getting obsessive with numbers, it's not healthy for me.  The body priority is slowly climbing above the spirit again, and I just can't go there.
If I'm going to get healthy and lose weight, it's going to have to be Holy Spirit dependent, and I've been moving fast toward doing it all on my own.
My shoulders are really achy from all the working out. I took the issue as a reason for a day off, mostly to hinder the obsession.
I was hoping to do some housework and take a walk with the Lord, but a crash of our home computer sent me another direction. Even my walks lately that I intended to spend praying have reverted to mindless, distracted and purposeless exercise. Yes, purposeless, because if I'm not able to put the Lord first and focus on Him, even a stellar size 8 won't be a good thing.
I'm hoping to maybe take a low key, late night stroll still, more for the conversation than for the exercise though  because I am far more concerned with my spiritual heart than my physical one.

Facing a Giant

This weekend was great for me, I'm officially "back on the horse." I walked about 5 or 6 miles going to have lunch with girlfriends, then after I walked to CVS to pick up a new battery for my pedometer so I can start working towards 10,000 steps per day.
Sunday I walked home from church, which is about 4 1/2 miles, and a lot of the walk was kind of hilly. Today I'm feeling it in my legs, but it's a good hurt. Sunday evening I played Just Dance 3 with my daughter for about 45 minutes or so. It was quite a work out, but we had fun!!
After the previous two weekend were wasted sitting on the couch until my hips hurt, this was a wonderful change. I am thrilled to be back moving. But even as great a this week and especially the weekend had been, there was a challenge that loomed, facing a giant.
In 2010 when I had so much success working out and losing weight, my Wii Fit Plus was my daily companion. Wii is a difficult taskmaster who groans as you step on the board if you've gained even a pound. I honestly couldn't bear to face what Wii would say after this major fall. Honestly, it's been part of why I kept putting it off. Yes, sad, I know, but true, I could not face the little Wii.
But after such a great weekend, I decided today was the day to bite the bullet and quite literally "step up to the plate." It wasn't pretty. Wii groaned, oh how he groaned. "He" also informed me it had been 446 days since my last work out. That's a sad statement about 2011. Then it let me know I had gained 21.6 lbs. To be honest I was a little relieved. It must have been a random sole shot at working out after the slide had begun, because like I shared before I am currently 38 lbs above my lowest 2010 weight, that makes 21.6 not sound so bad.
But the point is, I did it. I faced my reality, I faced my giant. I didn't come close to 10,000 steps today, that's going to be tough on the days I'm stuck at the office, but I did get 35 minutes on Wii Fit, and the kids and I danced 7 songs with our Just Dance games.
My giant is far from slain, but I'm ready to face "him" in the battle. My body aches in many places, but I'm fighting. Let me say though, just like David fought Goliath because he knew God was on his side, I'm doing this with the Lord on mine. There won't be the morning workouts like 2010, that's my time in the Word. Walks will still mean prayer and I'm giving God all the glory in reigniting my fire to get healthy, but this time staying spiritually strong. IJN!!!

Thinking Thin

Today was a very good day. I've actually had several good days. This week I began restricting my refined sugar intake. Other than one small scoop of ice cream at dollar scoop night, I didn't eat any. And since I'm a "sweet after eat" girl, let's just say that's huge.
I've had my fair share of 40 calorie clementine oranges and chewed lots of gum. But I have resisted the sugar. But I gave myself permission on this lifestyle revamping to loosen the reigns on the weekend and allow myself a little more freedom.
Thursday morning while I was making the bed I was thinking to myself, "I can't wait till this weekend when I can reward myself with something sweet." And no sooner did the thought cross my mind when I heard "or you could reward yourself by not undoing your progress."  It was a total a-ha moment!  It was a little on the radical side. What a concept!
I'm guessing you thin people think this should be an obvious statement, but to those of us who struggle with food (not weight but food) this is not the natural inclination in thinking.
When the weekend got here, the thought stuck with me. Neal and I took our younger two kids out to dinner Friday night. I only ate half my meal. For people like me, overcoming the "clean your plate" mentality is a major victory. When we went out for yogurt after, I ordered a small, not a regular but the real victory was in throwing away almost half of it. These are things thin people do naturally, for those of us who struggle with food, these are great accomplishments.
Today was a very good day for me. I met girlfriends for lunch but I walked to the restaurant, I resisted most of the chips and dip and after lunch I walked several miles to the store. At the end of the day, I walked somewhere near 6 miles. I ate only a salad, and ate only out of true hunger.
I took the kids to the movies tonight and when we went for yogurt after I again stopped eating only half. (This batch made it to the freezer though.)
The best part of all this though is the sense of "help" I have. I truly believe that whisper to my heart Thursday morning was from the Holy Spirit, encouraging me on.
As I was walking home today, the thought occurred to me, this past year I spent really being in the Word and seeking God. I sowed good seed abiding in Him, I think perhaps I'm in the beginning of a reaping season, because this "fruit of the Spirit" called self-control could only be from God.
So I give Him glory for this good start. And I know the key is for me to continue to abide. My battle with my weight and food has always been a spiritual issue, and I am hopeful to finally be on the right track. I'm excited to be down 5 lbs this week, but even more excited for the spiritual strength I feel.
Praise the Lord, with His help, I am indeed eating less and moving more!!!

One Bite at a Time.

How did I get back here? One bite at a time. That's a disappointing and tragic real-life twist on an otherwise fun idiom. But it's also extremely true. I have got back from within 8 lbs of where I was when I started trying to lose weight in September 2009. The only thing I have not done is get out "the shorts" I kept as a "where I was" measurement, because I know if I put them on, they would be far too close to a perfect fit. (You can see me in them, hiding behind Ethan in the 2nd picture from the left across the top of the page.)

In September 2009 I went on Atkins, and by January 1st, 2010, I was down 30 lbs. I started a solid workout regimen with the New Year and continued to lose. By summer I was feeling great, getting strong, loving life and down another 19 lbs, without being on Atkins. But shortly after that, something began to unravel. It started with a chaotic summer schedule. By the end of the summer I was up 13 lbs. Over the next year, I gained back 32 more pounds. I got within just 5 lbs of where I started, having to scrounge through and find the few "fat clothes" I'd had kept, and buy a few things to replace the ones I had thrown away. 2011 was a year of utter failure physically.

As great as 2010 was physically, it was not a good year for me spiritually. The truth is, my "health" and my body, and working out had become idols to me. I remember a conversation with a friend where I actually made the statement, "I know I am focusing on my body a lot, but God will always be there, being in the Word and pursuing Him can wait." And it did. And I slipped further and further away from Him, until one day in September 2010 He pressed through my arrogance and woke me up. I went running to Him (in the non-exercise sense) and abandoned any efforts to stay physically active. And I went back into old routines with food, and one bite at a time, the weight climbed back up.

2011 I did a lot of things right. Spiritually speaking, my focus was good. I was back in the Word like I had not been in years. I found my first love, and I was faithful in pursuing the things of God. Physically, however, I was NOT honoring the Lord. It was a year of a lot of challenges and difficulties, and I often substituted the comfort of food for the comfort of God. It's a cheap counterfeit, and it has a lot of negative consequences. In addition to my clothing issues, I don't feel well, I suspect my blood pressure is back up, and my asthma (which had been dormant for nearly a decade) has presented problems again.

So here we are in 2012, and I want this year to get it right, I want it to be the year of balance... keeping God first in my life, and being the good steward of my body that He desires for me to be. After a year of injury in 2011, I am only feeling the consequences of the sedentary lifestyle I settled back into, no specific issues. And here's the thing, I know the solution to that problem, get moving. Get active, suck it up and go, but don't eat so much along the way.

I know I could go back on Atkins tomorrow and lose a ton (ok, not quite that bad) but a lot of weight. Atkins IS good for me, in that with a blood condition I have, it works well. BUT it is not very practical, it's expensive and it's difficult to feed my family around it. And you could of course make a good argument against the nutrients it lacks. But the bottom line is, for me, Atkins is just another bondage. I become obsessed with every bite I'm going to get to eat. And like I need to be careful with other idols, like my body and exercise, I have to be careful with the diet idol as well.

19 of the pounds I lost (in 5 or 6 months) were lost with the basic principle, "eat less, move more." That's my primary plan- not a diet, or a regimen, just a way of life. I'm starting by walking, at least every other day- but I'm making them prayer walks, Jesus is my walking buddy. I am restricting sugar intake during the week, by not eating any more than one scoop at $1 Scoop Night with family and friends. I'm trying to watch calories and see if that's effective. I may find counting carbs is inevitable, but this is where I am starting.

I don't know how much I'm going to blog here. Accountability is good, but I am not proud of the chronicles of my failures so far. But maybe this time will be different. Maybe I'll go back eventually to the format that I started this blog with, but suffice it to say, I'm 12 lbs heavier than I was when I did. I hope I can find a way to make that inspiring instead of depressing, because I have got to find victory! In Jesus' name!