One Bite at a Time.

How did I get back here? One bite at a time. That's a disappointing and tragic real-life twist on an otherwise fun idiom. But it's also extremely true. I have got back from within 8 lbs of where I was when I started trying to lose weight in September 2009. The only thing I have not done is get out "the shorts" I kept as a "where I was" measurement, because I know if I put them on, they would be far too close to a perfect fit. (You can see me in them, hiding behind Ethan in the 2nd picture from the left across the top of the page.)

In September 2009 I went on Atkins, and by January 1st, 2010, I was down 30 lbs. I started a solid workout regimen with the New Year and continued to lose. By summer I was feeling great, getting strong, loving life and down another 19 lbs, without being on Atkins. But shortly after that, something began to unravel. It started with a chaotic summer schedule. By the end of the summer I was up 13 lbs. Over the next year, I gained back 32 more pounds. I got within just 5 lbs of where I started, having to scrounge through and find the few "fat clothes" I'd had kept, and buy a few things to replace the ones I had thrown away. 2011 was a year of utter failure physically.

As great as 2010 was physically, it was not a good year for me spiritually. The truth is, my "health" and my body, and working out had become idols to me. I remember a conversation with a friend where I actually made the statement, "I know I am focusing on my body a lot, but God will always be there, being in the Word and pursuing Him can wait." And it did. And I slipped further and further away from Him, until one day in September 2010 He pressed through my arrogance and woke me up. I went running to Him (in the non-exercise sense) and abandoned any efforts to stay physically active. And I went back into old routines with food, and one bite at a time, the weight climbed back up.

2011 I did a lot of things right. Spiritually speaking, my focus was good. I was back in the Word like I had not been in years. I found my first love, and I was faithful in pursuing the things of God. Physically, however, I was NOT honoring the Lord. It was a year of a lot of challenges and difficulties, and I often substituted the comfort of food for the comfort of God. It's a cheap counterfeit, and it has a lot of negative consequences. In addition to my clothing issues, I don't feel well, I suspect my blood pressure is back up, and my asthma (which had been dormant for nearly a decade) has presented problems again.

So here we are in 2012, and I want this year to get it right, I want it to be the year of balance... keeping God first in my life, and being the good steward of my body that He desires for me to be. After a year of injury in 2011, I am only feeling the consequences of the sedentary lifestyle I settled back into, no specific issues. And here's the thing, I know the solution to that problem, get moving. Get active, suck it up and go, but don't eat so much along the way.

I know I could go back on Atkins tomorrow and lose a ton (ok, not quite that bad) but a lot of weight. Atkins IS good for me, in that with a blood condition I have, it works well. BUT it is not very practical, it's expensive and it's difficult to feed my family around it. And you could of course make a good argument against the nutrients it lacks. But the bottom line is, for me, Atkins is just another bondage. I become obsessed with every bite I'm going to get to eat. And like I need to be careful with other idols, like my body and exercise, I have to be careful with the diet idol as well.

19 of the pounds I lost (in 5 or 6 months) were lost with the basic principle, "eat less, move more." That's my primary plan- not a diet, or a regimen, just a way of life. I'm starting by walking, at least every other day- but I'm making them prayer walks, Jesus is my walking buddy. I am restricting sugar intake during the week, by not eating any more than one scoop at $1 Scoop Night with family and friends. I'm trying to watch calories and see if that's effective. I may find counting carbs is inevitable, but this is where I am starting.

I don't know how much I'm going to blog here. Accountability is good, but I am not proud of the chronicles of my failures so far. But maybe this time will be different. Maybe I'll go back eventually to the format that I started this blog with, but suffice it to say, I'm 12 lbs heavier than I was when I did. I hope I can find a way to make that inspiring instead of depressing, because I have got to find victory! In Jesus' name!

The Goal is Freedom

I've been thinking about deleting this blog. It started out as a concept in my mind, I thought it would be what I needed to press through and get back on track and get my weight back down. But it didn't turn out that way.

I am actually five pounds heavier than I was when I started the blog.

When I last posted I was looking toward summer as an opportunity to get more active and get back on track. But then I hurt my back, and I was battling with the pain of it. Then by the end of June I had an accident that completely shut down my "back on track" plans when I ended up with a limp for most of the month of July. In fact, it's only been a week or two that I have actually walked around without pain in my ankle (though coming down stairs is still a challenge), but the pain in my back has reached serious and severe levels with no improvement.

But lack of exercise didn't have to put a limp in food changes, but it did.

Last week I woke up one morning and as I was entering consciousness I heard myself say, "I confess to you Father that I've made food an idol." All I can say is, it had to be the work of the Holy Spirit because I just don't think I would have confessed such a thing of my own free will.

Then Monday night at Bible study I found myself giving my food issues as the example in my life of walking in the flesh instead of walking in the Spirit. Suddenly I heard myself talking about the SIN of overeating. And suddenly I realized what freedom there was in calling it sin.

Jesus died to give me victory over sin. And here's the thing, it's a done deal. SIN has lost. So Tuesday I changed my mindset. I thought about the battle, instead of focusing on the spoils.

When I let SIN win, I enjoyed the spoils. Pigging out, eating sweets and fried foods is fun. It tastes good. And when I just surrender the battle, I enjoy it, and it's not until I can't zip up my pants that regret settles in. But once I put on a comfy pair of sweats or the capri's that still fit, the shame and sadness of not fitting into my jeans doesn't resonate strongly enough to put down the doughnut.

But Tuesday I decided I didn't want to work on willpower anymore. I'm going to call the overeating what it is, it's sin. And I am going to focus not on the food, and not even the eating, I'm going to focus on the Spirit that lives in me. Because greater is He that lives in me than he that lives in the world. And God is for me, and wants me healthy and strong.

As I write this, I can tell you today was not a great day. Neal made not one but TWO stops at cupcake shops on the way home from the beach. There are 2 cupcakes eaten, but there are also 2 cupcakes in the kitchen I'm saying "no" to. Somewhere in the midst of those four cupcakes is God's grace.

My goal isn't actually a number on a scale. I am sure I have said that here before. My goal is freedom in my eating. I want food just to be food. I want to be wise and equipped to make healthy choices, but I don't want to walk around disheartened over cupcakes eaten.

So this week I went to the chiropractor to start getting my back issue corrected. I also started doing yoga again, though it is a pressing through the pain. I finally found a store where I can buy fresh produce at a reasonable price. And for the last week not only I, but also my family has been snacking more on nectarines, grapes, strawberries and peaches, and less cookies and chips have been consumed. Truth be told, the cupboards are pretty bear right now, but the fruit drawer in the fridge is full. It's a step of wisdom towards freedom with food.

I am monitoring my intake more, and paying attention to calories and fat grams, because there is nothing bad about having knowledge and being equipped. There's an app for that... and I'm using it, literally. I'm going to hunt down my pedometer this week for the same purpose. I will climb on the scale from time to time, but I'm not going to let it decide how my day will go.

My goal is good health. Good food choices and more activity are key. The size of my clothes don't have to be, though they may. My goal is to live in the freedom and victory that Christ died to give me. I'm taking food off the throne it's held in my life, and letting Christ be Lord, of all.

I don't know how much I will be blogging here, it may become part of the routine, or this blog may soon get shut down. I don't know, we'll see where the Lod leads.

Holy Hormones, Batman!

There is always an excuse to overeat and indulge. One sure fire free pass for indulgence is when "Aunt Flow" visits. Actually her anticipation is often used as an excuse as well.

She wasn't a regular visitor for me until literally the weekend of my 40th birthday. She still doesn't come around as often as with most women I know, but for me she went from once a year or less to clockwork sort of visitation schedule (4-6 times a year) starting the weekend of my 40th birthday.

When my weight was down it was really consistent (that brief year,) but now that the weight has been creeping back up I thought I wouldn't see her again, but I was mistaken. 15 years of weight and infertility issues just because I never ovulated, (it was the vicious cycle of insulin resistance and polycystic ovaries) that I struggled to have my kids, now that the ship has passed I'm more fertile than I've ever been in my life. Thank you Lord for the big V - and for a husband who willingly endured it, or I may have had a slew of mid-life babies.

But I digress. The point it, the "visitor" is an added battle in resisting sweets and indulgence. Hormones raging and they cry out for chocolate medication. The temptation is to feed the storm. Maybe there are actual cravings because of the hormones, I don't know. Or maybe the fluctuation in the hormones cause the emotional tidal waves and the temptation is to address those with food. To top it off for me it means a day or two on the couch, which births boredom, which totally draws you (or me, at least) to the fridge.

I actually really did well this past week. So much so in fact, I'm a litytle proud, but it was a constant battle to overcome. I kept hearing the whisper of "license" in the back of my mind, "It's ok, it's that time. But instead I managed to throw away a bag of chocolate I stumbled across. That's a huge victory on a regular day, but one of those days, it's like I deserve a reward! Lord willing, it won't be chocolate.

Sorry Victory

Been doing pretty well the last few days. It feels a little like food has lost its grip. It's a good feeling. Feeling hunger a lot more often. It's a sad victory, but a victory just the same.

My devotional from last night, Jesus Lives by Sarah Young, really spoke to me last night. It said, I know you often feel incomplete, as if some vital part of you is missing. When this is just a feeling, not a conscious thought, you respond in many unproductive ways: comforting yourself with food, seeking entertainment, searchingfor yourself in the mirror, and so on. All the while I (God) am waiting for you to remember Me.

I think that's been the difference this last week, I have been remembering who my God is. I am remembering what it means to belong to Him, and to walk in the victory He has given me.

Of course I know that isn't the whole recipe for success. Wednesday is the first, and in honor of the new month I'm going to break my pedometer back out and revive my goal for 10,000 steps a day. It's the first step.

I said "no" to pie

The battle has still been raging on, and I am losing... I am up 5 lbs from when I first started this blog, which is exceptionally bad news when you consider I dropped four from there.

This weekend I went to a women's retreat, and I don't know what it is about us girls when we get together, but we (at least me and those close to me) treat eating food like it's a sport.

I tried to be relatively good about what I brought up, just almonds mostly, but once we got there I did a swan dive into indulgence of all the yummy goodiness that all my roomies had brought.

Now let me say, ther eis NOTHING wrong with them having brought the goodies, and NO ONE threw me into the pool of over indulgence - I jumped in on my own. The fact is, the revelation was very clear (yet again) that I have some serious issues with self-control. I should be able to stand need deep in Zingers and HoHos and just say "no." Because I am a big girl, and I actually DO have control over what I put in my mouth.

By Saturday night there has been licorice and MnMs and Junior Mints and Hostess Cupcakes and all kinds of goodies, ON TOP of the three square meals a day the camp provided. I did a lot of complaining about the large amount of ruffage we were eating (it may be a while before I can look a salad straight on,) but in reality I should possible send the camp a thank you note that they didn't serve us their well known burgers and burritos.

I ate meals when I wasn't hugry, I went for dessert when I was full. My choices were horrendous and all in the name of "fun." But there is nothing fun about losing control.

Saturday evening after dinner, a dinner I ate though not hungry - but my body was crying out for the first sign of protein, but afterwards I found myself back in my cabin pouring my heart out to God.

A few minutes later my dear friend joined me, and then more friends came along, and we sought the Lord together. Now let me say, not a single word of prayer was about the issue of food. But it was about obedience and God's will, and most of all just about abiding in Him.

We went to service after that. During service I stepped out to use the restroom and found the foyer FILLED with pies, chocolate, strawberry, peach, coconut- it had the makings of a stellar food fight. Despite the over indulgence all weekend long up to that point, I didn't find myself feeling physically full. Hunger was nowhere to be found, but I was not stuffed, but I knew as I stood there there was a battle between me and the pies.

I went back inside where service finished up and told my buddies about what awaited outside, and then it was announced from the front. I had NO DESIRE for pie. Which sadly isn't enough to stop me from indulging anyway, but this time it was. I said no, several times. And I cannot express the sense of (sick) victory I felt. And I KNEW that what it all came back to was the amazing time I had spent in God's presence.

Yesterday I was still on the hunt for protein, which makes sense for my insulin resistent body after all the carbo-loading I did, and I didn't intentionally guard myself as I ate. I was probably not as diligent as I should have been, but I also didn't go crazy with any more candy and sweets.

Today I feel like I have awakened with a renewed vision, and an assurance that the key to my overcoming my food battles lies in my relationship with the Lord. As I type this my (surely stretched out) stomach is grumbling with hunger - oh sweet hunger, ho wI rejoice in thee... but I am holding off till lunch time. I picked up a wrap from Trader Joe's for lunch, determined only to eat as much as it takes to satisfy the rumble. I'm proud of the last cookie in the bakery box on my desk (courtesy of my dad last week) that remains untouched this morning.

I am certain if I can find the balance between abiding in the Lord and being diligent about what I put in my mouth and why, I will find victory over my food issues - that I can live my life saying "no" to pie. Moderation and true hunger are keys to my victory, and I determined anew to press forward until I find it is not victory, but victorious living for me, in Jesus' name.

My fat jeans are getting tight.

And my bra is starting to cut into my side.

I am too ashamed to get back on the Wii Fit. How sad is that? I have gained at least 18 lbs. since the last time I got on it, and I cannot BEAR to here the weighted grunt of the little work out buddy, so I keep slipping further and further into "debt" on the scale. And now my "fat jeans" are tight.

I am so exasperated with myself.

I do great every day until I open my mouth and eat for the first time. Then it's like it all goes to heck in a basket... a picnic basket to be specific.

I've been contemplating going back on Atkins. It's like returning to Egypt in my mind, but it is effective. I'm really considering it since I know by this time next week there will be lots of Easter candy to resist. Not as much as in years past and in fact the thought I had of going out to grab a couple more things probably isn't going to happen, because the fact is, I'm not the only chubby at this ranch.

I have also considered a fast. I never recommend a fast for diet purposes, but although I am aware of the effectiveness of fasting on weight loss, I am more focused on the possibility that it could break the power food seems to have over me. But I also know it won't work if it's just my idea and wrongly motivated. I've never fasted successfully without the help of the Holy Spirit. Of course my last successful fast seemed to unleash the flesh fest that led to this huge weight change in the wrong direction.

I have considered the possibility of not putting a single thing in my mouth without praying about it first, but once the food is before me, it seems like the idea fades and I don't actually remember the thought at all.

I'm sitting here now stuffed and miserable from Taco Tuesday and Dollar Scoop Night, and still the thought of hitting the kitchen still plays in my mind. What is wrong with me? Why is my will so weak?

It's getting desperate. I threw all my really fat clothes out last year, and I am bound for the world of sweats soon if I don't get my act together. Summer is coming, and I want to be beach bound and playing at the water park this summer. At this point I'm not even sure my bathing suit would fit, much less if I want to be seen in it. I've got to make a move. I'm 2 lbs above where I was when I started this blog. At least I was this morning, I don't know, it may be worse after today.

I've got to do something. I've got to get moving again. People used to ask me when I was losing all my weight how I did it. "Easy," I'd answer, "eat less and move more." Still seems simple, but I'd no longer describe it as easy. But I've got to get my act together.

Lord, help me!

Struggling

For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am carnal, sold under sin. For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. If, then, I do what I will not to do, I agree with the law that it is good. But now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find. For the good that I will to do, I do not do;
but the evil I will not to do, that I practice.
Romans 7:14-19

I am sitting here just finishing up watching the Biggest Loser. I'm disheartened. I think I have put back on the entire 5 lbs I had lost. I am just struggling.

I am anticipating already the number of well-intentioned friends who will have just the right answer for me. But the fact is, they don't. This is about so much more than food and exercise- this is a spiritual issue for me. And I am NOT where I need to be. I have been there before, but it's been a long time, and I am having the hardest time figurng out how to get back.

A year ago when I was doing really well physically, working out, being committed, feeling strong and losing weight, it was my top priority. It was great, and it was awful. The great is obvious but the awful is the neglect to my spiritual well-being that was severe a year ago. I wasn't reading my bible, my prayer life was non-existent and I was struggling constantly with all kinds of temptation because of it.

I opened up to one friend a little and am haunted now by the words spoke to her. I said, "I know God and His Word will always be there and sooner or later I will come back around to that, but right now taking care of my body is more important." What a horrible lie I was buying into. I teetered on a very dangerous abyss, more than others even really know.

I am glad that my heart has drawn back to the Lord, and spending time with Him and being in His Word has gained back the proper priority. But the battle with my body is being lost. And I am struggling with understanding the battle of my mind when I am truly making the very best efforts to abide, abide, abide.

The slippery slope of my health and weight loss efforts is NOT directly linked to my change in priorities toward the Lord. I started to fall and fail with my eating and my weight back in the fall, and I didn't right my heart with the Lord till the first of the year. But now I struggle to find the balance, and to somehow get both aspects of my life in order and moving in the right direction.

There is a balance. I just have to find the path to get there. I find myself these last few days waking up and crying out to God to please help the new day be different, and by nightfall I find myself wallowing in regret.

I have to find the way. I have to, not for the size of my clothes, but for the state of my heart- spiritually speaking. I have to find the way.