Friday morning I weighed myself as usual. I was disappointed to see my weight had risen again up to 192.2, half a pound up from the previous day's 191.6. I literally had a vision in my mind of a bouncing rubber ball... If you just bounce it and let it go, the bounces get literally smaller and smaller... I decided it had to be on sort of a hill to apply to this weight loss process, but bottom line, it seems to be two steps forward one step back in this very slow and grueling weight loss process. So be it. I press on.
I feel compelled to note that although yesterday was day 21 of this particular short term concerted weight loss effort, it is actually day 307 from the beginning of this whole process this time.
Saturday morning was a busy one, lots to do from first thing that day. I have reestablished my priority to be in God's Word every morning first thing, as well as trying to spend my first few moments of the day speaking to Him. So I did those most important things and when I actually got up and moving, it wasn't till I had eaten breakfast and was running out the door that I realized I forgot to weigh myself. That's unusual because I am typically so faithful about it. I remember being really surprised.
Saturday was a busy family celebration day and I had an important commitment in the evening. I wasn't even home until almost 10 o'clock, and I was tired. So all I had the energy or desire for was 10-15 minutes of yoga stretching. I was going to let it count, figuring I could get back to business on Sunday. But I didn't.
Sunday morning I forgot to weight myself AGAIN! I was so surprised how it just seemed to slip my mind. In a way, not obsessing about the scale is a good thing, and sort of a victory -- so long as I didn't gain any weight. But how could I know? But it was a busy day of church and errands, and I was tired. By evening time a last minute grocery store run was required and I never was able to work a workout in to my schedule. Truth be told, I am waiting to do anything with great exertion until my knee bands are delivered tomorrow, but a good walk would have been nice - it just got to be too late.
This is a good and bad place for me to be. Not obsessing about my weight and exercise is healthy, as long as I remain faithful. The days of not doing it have the potential to become weeks, months and full blown backslide into my old ways. That didn't happen, I was good with my eating, even at a big family celebration, but the potential is there.
I was relieved when I got on the scale this morning that things had moved in the right direction, but only. .2 pounds lower than they were last Thursday, that might be caused by a good burp. (wink) But it was almost a pound lower than Friday, so the bouncing rubber ball picture popped back in my head... Eventually the two steps forward will overpower all the single steps back, IJN. The important thing is I have been in the word and prayer daily... Glad I'm not cutting my carbs there and once again feasting on the Bread of Life. :)
Weight: 191.4 today.
Feeling: My shoulder and now my knee are a stumbling block, but they haven't stopped me yet. My shoulder is seriously a mystery, really good days, really rough days, but the pain moves about and manifests in so many different ways. Yesterday the "mechanism" of my shoulder and the joint felt great, but my upper arm ached really bad. Interestingly I have discovered that "resting" on the couch or even in my hubby's recliner causes great pain, so even though it is hindering my exercise in some ways, it hinders becoming a couch potato even more. I'm getting some knee straps in the mail tomorrow. I am hopeful it will help with the "loose" knee on my right side and protect the knee on my left from following suit.
Eating: I'm doing "OK." I move in and out of ketosis, I can tell, never really getting to the dark purple that I'd like to be in. I think it's why the loss is so slow, but I am moving toward the "lifestyle" of low carb, I suppose, it will all work out in the end. It was a family celebration weekend and I did good resisting. I took a couple nibbles of goodies and did great on entree. Yay me. Yesterday I overcame a hard core craving for some frozen yogurt covered in candy with a yummy low carb (my invention) alternative. SO I am pleased with that choice.
Moving: Friday night we were out late and I had to fit my exercise in just under the wire going on a long walk not long before midnight. Honestly it was the draw to a "prayer walk" that got me out there as much as it was keeping my commitment to exercise daily. Saturday all I did was a little stretching after a long busy day as I mentioned and Sunday was a "fail" on working out, but today hopefully will be back on the horse... or rather, moving on my own in front of him.
Thoughts: Having just over 25 pounds to go, about a third of my original weight loss goal, it is too early to consider this the home stretch, and I have to be careful not to settle for where I am (for a list of reasons) but I also have to continue to be realistic and make this all a part of my lifestyle (eating low carb and exercising regularly). So somewhere is the balance, I don't know where yet, obviously, but once again I determine to just press on. :)
One of the HARDEST parts about dieting is the social aspect. Food is always tied in to the center of social events. Bible study? Someone bring a snack. An evening with friends almost always includes dinner and dessert. My bunco nights, dinner and dessert there too. Sometimes control is limited. You can't ask someone to arrange their menu according to your diet plan (well you can, but it's a tad bit rude to expect them to accommodate you.)
I have some great friends who keep me in mind when I'm coming and at least add an "option" I can have. In my Growth Group (Bible Study) I don't know if it's been because of my diet (I don't think I have been that vocal there) it's been mostly carb friendly snacks. But last night the woman who brought snack totally did not take my low carb needs into consideration! Oh wait.... I was snack lady last night! So it was ME who shot ME in the foot!
First I picked up a couple little trays of treats from Trader Joe's. They hold a dozen different little cake pieces, one of my friends had served it at a Bunco, and I was pleasantly surprised to find if I could limit myself to one piece of 2 of the 3 options I could keep it to just 6 carbs! 6 carbs is a great option for a taste of something yummy and sweet.
Problem was I got home and plated it and I felt like I wasn't bringing enough. So I texted my hubby and asked him to stop back by Trader Joe's and pick up a little tub of one of my favorite cookies. They are one of my favorites and I knew they would be a big hit. I just didn't think about what a huge hit they are with me personally.
But I had a plan - one or two little treats (~12 carbs) and a cookie (13 carbs) along with a dose of carb blockers which is good to block between 40-50 carbs. A treat, a plan, and everybody wins... well, I win. Or I could have IF I had stuck to the plan, but one cookie turned into one and a half... and then by the time we were driving into the driveway at home I think I topped out at 7 or 8. I didn't just fall off the wagon, I jumped with absolute joyful abandon.
Now a whole new battle for me begins - the mindset pops up of "Well, I already blew it so I might as well..." I might as well what? Take another day of cheating and eat more food that's going to counter meeting my goals? Or take off till the weekend, we're celebrating my grandma's birthday this weekend which means my dad is making cake! (And people my dad makes CAKE!!!) All of these temptations loom even larger since despite my fall, the scale was actually down again this morning and lowest it's been since I got back on track! It's so easy to convince myself to do what I want to in my flesh rather than what I need to do for my own well-being (seriously people, my dad's cake...)
So I have to ask God to help me, and with that help we have got to run like mad and catch up with that wagon and climb back on! I have to look at the big picture and remind myself that thin and healthy FEEL better than ANYTHING tastes (though the cake and last night's cookies do try.) And dieting in social settings takes great planning and care. Eat before you go (I do that a lot with Bunco); chew sugar free gum (that's a GREAT tool, though it's not always the most attractive); hydrate! bring a bottle of water and sip, sip, sip away; BYOT - Bring your own treat. Grab something yummy and low carb to snack on if you know you'll be somewhere where tempting food will have to be overcome. And finally, definitely do NOT bring your own favorite tempting weakness when you are in charge of snack, that's just never a good plan at all!
Weight: 191.6
Feeling: Pretty good, a little bit of pain in the shoulder, more than yesterday, but much better than a week ago. The knee is a little bit of an issue. I cut my trampoline run a little short last night because it was bothering me, but not enough I didn't at least consider getting back on to counter my carb failure... but I didn't.
Eating: Shaking head, lowers eyes in shame... darn cookies! But I'm BAAAAACK in the SADDLE again... I'm BAAACK!!! (Steven Tyler impersonation complete.)
Moving: Came home after falling off the wagon and stretched. MY knee feels like it's a pop or stretch from feeling normal, but no such luck. It didn't miraculously feel better. In my mind I set out to run for 45 minutes to an hour after stretching (counter carb workout that I have NEVER done..) but I didn't even make my maximum goal. About 27 minutes I stepped off because of the knee. Worked up a great sweat though. Hoping things will be back on track soon!
Thoughts: I am trying very hard not to be on a "diet." Low-carb needs to be my lifestyle for health benefits (in my personal situation) and so I need to walk the fine line of grace to realize I won't get through life without ever eating carb rich foods, but also I can't let those meals, snacks or days be a slippery slope. And I did make a commitment to try to be more faithful and focused for 60 days, so in that respect yesterday's choices were a failure, but it's not about how we fall, it's about whether or not we get back up again. Right?
Weight: 192.2
Feeling: My shoulder really seems to be improving. My knee is not bad, but I may have to look into a brace or some sort of support for workouts to keep it that way.
Eating: I am my own worst enemy. I am still not deep in ketosis and still struggling with things like late night snacking and eating close to my critical carb level. I'm still in small to trace most of the time.
Moving: After a great workout the night before last, I took it easy yesterday and just did some yoga stretching. I am torn between my daily workout goal (which I already blew) and the concept of 3-4 workouts per week that seems to be so popular. Our Tuesday schedule was thrown off last night and I was struggling with other things so forcing myself to do the stretching was as much as I had in me.
Food isn't comfort, it isn't entertainment, it isn't supposed to be anything other than fuel. Is food to be enjoyed? Yes, of course, that's fine, but it really needs to be "enjoyed" within it's actual purpose, to fuel the body to work. But too often I am guilty of turning to it for other things:
- comfort in disappointment, sadness of frustration
- entertainment for boredom
- fulfillment of a non-hunger craving ("I just want something sweet"... "salty"... "crunchy"...)
It's a poor substitute for comfort and entertainment, and just saying no to a craving is a good thing, but still the inclination is to turn to it anyway, even knowing it will bring regret and disappointment in myself after the fact.
I have gotten BETTER in these areas, but I have not found total victory. Last night it was pistachios and a diet soda at 11 pm. I weighed myself before hand and my weight was actually very close to my morning weight which is atypical. I KNEW I should just pass on a snack or even just go to bed. I KNEW better, but I still went back out into the kitchen and back in front of the TV and found something to indulge in. I really need to work on that. Who knows? My weight might have been even better this morning if I'd just said no. I wasn't hungry, I just wanted something to snack on, and once you start on a bag of pistachios, it's hard to stop, No, I didn't eat the whole bag, but I ate too many. (One was probably too many.)
If I don't get these issues under control and get victory in these areas I will always be highly prone to fall back into my old bad habits and put my weight back on. It not only puts me at risk of never getting to my goal, it puts me at risk going back to a weight I never want to be again. I've got to get the victory over these battles.
There was an oops on yesterday's post (not that anyone is reading these... so I guess it's a note to self for future reference.) I titled it as Days 13, 14 & 15 and had to correct it because it was actually Days 12, 13 &14. So here we are now on Day 15.
Weight: 193.6 At this point I'm happy with anything that isn't 194.4 and is lower than my nemesis of a number.
Feeling: My shoulder is decent today, but my right knee has started to give me some trouble. I may have to look into some kind of support for my workouts. I think it has to do with doing Zumba barefoot in the living room, but shoes make it too awkward... so yeah, getting old stinks.
Eating: I'm eating at my critical carb level, which is why I think weight isn't really coming off. I've got to get my act together and eat less carbs so I lose weight and not just maintain it.
Moving: Other than my knee giving me some issues, I had a GREAT workout last night. I not only ran for 30 minutes on the trampoline and then did 5 songs of Zumba. No yoga stretching yesterday though; I have to be careful not to let go more than a day or two or things will stiffen up on me.
The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, but the scale however, well, it taketh and it giveth back... I'm not fond of either scenario, truth be told.
I was happy Thursday and Friday for the slight dip and the "FINALLY!" move away from the number that appears to be my nemesis 194.4. But the happiness didn't last long. It was staring me back in the face on Saturday morning, and just to make sure I knew it meant business it stuck around for Sunday morning too.
I'm going to be honest, there is a temptation to just give up and live with this number. I'm a size 12 after all and I feel no shame in that after busting out of my 20s just nine months ago. But I have been battling greatly with the knowledge that I really have a bit of a reputation (with myself at least) with never really finishing what I start. Let's consider my unfinished college education, the bathrooms that never got painted when we redid out house (the first time we never put baseboards down), I have written TWO novels that I swore (promised?) were going to be part of a trilogy and so far book 3 is a couple chapters along and just sitting in limbo (the question demands, will anyone even care anymore by the time I write it?) not to mention two other independent novels that are floating around my house somewhere... UNFINISHED. So there is a part of me that wants to see that 165 on the scale just to say I accomplished my goal, not to mention the physical benefits.
Speaking of unmet goals... my 60 days of working out consecutively didn't happen. These last few days I have been battling mentally - not specific to this weight loss process, but in life as a whole. The scale having boomeranged back up to my nemesis didn't help my resolve. I had other things I needed to tend to yesterday afternoon and by the time 9 pm came around when I hit my typical "Now or never" moment with getting a workout in hit, never didn't sound so bad. At 10:15 I had good intentions of doing some stretches in my jammies, but once I got them on at 10:30 the only word I could think of was "Sabbath" and I decided to give myself a pass... which as I said before, I have a bad habit of doing. But oh well, what's done is done. It's why I call this blog what I do, "The FIGHT to lose." Not because the loss itself is the fight, but because the whole process is-- Mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.
Weight: Saturday Day 12: 194.4; Sunday Day 13: 194.4; & Today Day 14: 193.8
Feeling: Frustrated and discouraged, a little torn, all the while having this underlying thought of "Get over yourself." Anything worth having is worth fighting for.
Eating: Too much, probably too many carbs. I seem to be living in "trace" on the ketosis scale and only occasionally hitting the darker colors. It's great for the "maintenance mode" but I'm still almost 30 lbs from there. It's a lot like getting a new house and living in the front yard in a tent. I'm happy to be in the neighborhood that I am, but I never signed on to live in this particular spot. I need to get in the house!
Moving: Friday's workout was a solid one. I repeated Thursday's but exercised even a little longer. I hoped it would mean more improvement for my shoulder, but Saturday was MISERABLE. My arm was killing me most of the day. Saturday I went for a walk, not a power walk, but a walk that took about a half an hour. Sunday the arm felt a little better, but Sunday brought no workout. Today the arm is decent, but a workout tonight is critical, it's what will keep yesterday a Sabbath and not let it turn into a downfall.
Thoughts: TO all my good intentioned friends who are going to tell me not to get discouraged and keep up the good work, thank you. I know. But this blog is about the FIGHT to lose, so I am trying to just be real and (at times) raw about this process. I know I look great (comparatively, and because you said so) and I know it takes time (I could kick myself though for all the time I let pass without effort) and I know (ok this I don't really know) that I CAN DO IT! But the fact is, some days are just hard. Right now, most days are just hard. But I'm still here, I'm still in the FIGHT. But it's a daily decision. Today I'm deciding not to give up, that makes today a good day.
While it should be one of the best parts of losing weight, I have found it to be one of the most miserable...
Shopping for clothes.
For years I have had to suffer through the torture of plus size shopping on a budget. I specify "on a budget" because I have some plus size friends with a better clothing budget, or maybe just a better knack for shopping that dress incredibly cute, but I was never one of them.
The plus size sections of Target and Wal-Mart, my shops of choice most typically are filled with unattractive cuts and tacky gaudy patterns. In fact as I have been trying to shop since the weight has been coming off it is usually by the colors and patterns thatI notice I have wandered into the "women's" section, not by taking note of sizes on hangers. And I'm not going to lie, when I discover myself there I exit with what is the cross between a run and a stomp. I've worked too hard to shop in that section, even if I could find something cute. Same goes for the maternity section by the way, I found a cute blouse and target that I liked and when I took it off I saw it was a maternity brand - the blouse fit my body pretty well, but my ego just wouldn't fit. (I will give props though that maternity clothing has at least gotten cuter, it wasn't like that when I was having my babies.)
When I was heavy, it was just about finding the least gaudy outfit and being clothed. When I found something that was acceptable to my tastes I wore it till it wore out because shopping for more just wasn't any fun.
Truth be told I've never been much of a shopper - even when I was a teen and had a pretty hot body, I would make my way through a store passing by racks and if something didn't jump out and grab my attention, I moved on. I am pretty low key, a jeans and top kind of girl, and on the rare occasion I find something I like (or can live with) I will buy it in at least two, up to four or five different colors. And if I found an out of the box outfit I like I will wear that until it wears out as well. (Please don't ever inspect me in my clothing too closely, you may find a few tiny laundry holes in my shirts.)
Now as I am almost 55 lbs down from where I was ten months ago, the best thing is my own personal hands me down from a girl who I was skinnier many years ago. This is where not throwing things away and having pretty neutral tastes finally pays off. But I don't plan on staying in my decade old size 12s, and let's face it, there are some differences in a 30 something's wardrobe vs. this 40 something's style and tastes.
I have lovely friends who've offered to help, but let's face it, when does that typically work out? And hand me downs from other friends cover the nakedness, butt he styles and colors schemes rarely line up beyond a few basics. I wish I found shopping fun. I wish I had a budget that took me to better places, but I have a hard time buying a $35 blouse knowing I could buy at least 4 tops for that elsewhere. At this point I'm thinking, "Darn that Adam and Eve, there would be something to be said for walking around naked..." Heck, if that were the case, maybe I never would have let myself get so out of shape in the first place ! Wink, wink.
Weight: 192.6 right direction, I'll take it!
Feeling: Pretty good. My shoulder (after hurting the worst yesterday) actually feels the best it has in a long time. I got a good workout in yesterday, I'm doing ok in food temptations. I'm a little tired, but overall in the diet and fitness realm, I'm feeling alright.
Eating: Careful what you wish for. Today I am feeling very bored with low carb eating - the kind of bored that says "Why bother?" I am settling on an Atkins frozen meal for lunch today because the flitting cravings of something cheesy and casserole-like couldn't actually land on any actual food that I could put my finger (or my tongue) on. So yeah, bored with eating, but doing it because I have to.
Moving: Yesterday was a good workout day. I stretched for 15-20 minutes, I ran for 15 minutes on the tramp and I did 5 songs of Zumba with the Wii. I did a couple new (to me) songs that were higher intensity and left me a little winded and soaking in sweat. I've noticed today that my shoulder feels really good, and I noticed that after another Zumba workout, which seems strange to me. I kept the arms modified, but they are moving. My own backed into physical therapy? I don't know... maybe. I need to do the Zumba more.
Grateful to finally see a shift on the scale today. I realize we're only on day 10 here, and in reality it jumped a lot the first few days, but I am anxious to get back under where I was at the lowest before my March Madness break (187.2) I find myself kicking myself for taking the counterproductive break, but I gotta let it go. Sometimes it just feels like this "acceptable" weight that gets me into a size 12 isn't the worst place to land. But as someone who ALWAYS almost finishes her goals and never really completes things, I'm not wanting to add this to that list. Soooo... yeah, I want this last 27.8 pounds (and then some?) to go.... So I press on.
Weight: 192.8 Woohoo!
Feeling: It's a 4 Advil kind of morning. It's my shoulder, but now the pain is added onto by tightness and it's all the way across my neck and my upper back. Emotionally speaking, the drop on the scale this morning helps. It's a good reminder that the scale moves in chunks on low carb, nothing, nothing, nothing, then a whole pound or two drop happens. It's hard to remember that when there's the no moving.
Eating: My eating the last 24 hours is a bit of a blur. I know I had El Cantarito's Carne Asada for lunch yesterday which is one of my FAVES. I also enjoyed a Breyer's low-carb ice cream bar which is a real treat - doesn't taste diet-y at all. I'm looking forward to a protein style burger from In & Out for lunch today. I'm still enjoying low carb foods right now, and starting to look forward to boredom setting in (a little) because when I do I don't eat as much (because I am never hungry on low-carb) and food gets its place as fuel rather than entertainment, which is a good thing.
Moving: The hardest part about my commitment to exercise for 60 days is time. As a working mom my mornings, days and afternoons are NOT my own. Most evenings we have commitments as well and I'm not inclined to work up a sweat before going anywhere. So my workouts never get done before 9 o'clock at night. Some evenings I really have to push myself to do anything, my accountability to my commitment is what forces me to. If I run for at least 10-15 minutes on the trampoline with some other additional activity it's like a magical guilt reliever and for 9 out of 10 days I have done that. Last night I just didn't have it in me. So last nights was strictly yoga and stretching for about 25 minutes, and I had to force myself to do that. It's interesting that after my lightest "workout" (and yes I am totally counting it) today I had the shift on the scale AND I am the sorest I've been. Go figure.
Good choice: It's one I NEED to make. I need to up my water intake. I've been drinking more diet soda (something I never drink when I'm not on the diet) and even though I drink a lot, a LOT a LOT of iced tea, it's a naturtal diuretic and I need to make sure I am hydrating myself. (Reaches over, grabs her diet Mountain Dew and takes a swig.) Yeah, I need to get on that.
