Clothing has become an issue. I don't want to spend a lot of money on clothes in the process between where I was and where I hope to be. A few people have offered up hand-me-downs and things, but that has its limits, style and body type are always an issue. But I have tried to keep my shopping at bay until I am to the sizes I hope to remain.
In the last week though I have purchased two pairs of pants, both in size 12. For a girl who was busting at the seams of her size 20s nine months ago, I can't tell you the joy that rises up inside me to buy a 12! There is just something about that size, it is legitimately a NORMAL size! 14's were nice but they still carry the (pun intended) heaviness of being close to the large women sizes for me that make shopping pretty miserable. And for a girl who at her skinniest doesn't ever get below an 8, 12 feels like quite an accomplishment. It's exciting.
I only did my shopping at Walmart because my investment needs to be minimal, a couple pairs of denim capris with some birthday money and it's like a whole new sense of myself (in my 12's) and as I was wandering through the racks there I suddenly realized I was in the plus size section. It was with great joy that I said to myself out loud alone in the middle of the store, "I can't shop here, none of these things fit me anymore!" It was a whole other kind of busting at the seams!
Weight: 194.4 - No change from the day before, but that's OK, I think it means I have probably landed at where the actual weight loss begins again.
Feeling: Shoulder is still an issue, but I am grateful that the sugar detox is minimal. No headaches at all!
Eating: Yesterday was a big eating day. I went by Ralph's on my way home from work and picked up two more of the sausage primavera Atkins meals, and I ate them BOTH before bunco. And when I got to Bunco I was able to build a salad I could eat so I did. I just wanted to eat, but low carb eaters rarely eat out of true hunger because that's just a rare sensation when you're on the plan. I overdid, but when you are counting carbs and not calories, it doesn't undermine you the way it does when you are counting calories because it doesn't thwart the chemical process of ketosis as long as you stay within the plan.
Moving: I did not get home from Bunco till after 11... scratch that, I got home at 9:30 but sat in the car with a girlfriend till 11 chatting. I was pressed at that point to fit in some sort of exercise before I turned into a pumpkin at midnight! So I took my oldest on a 25 minute power walk around our neighborhood.
Good news: I'm in the right frame of mind to do this again. Ever since the holidays I have had a hard time getting on board mentally with following the low carb lifestyle, and the mental aspect is AT LEAST half the battle. So being here now feels good, and gives me hope about getting to my goals.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Day 3 - Social Challenges
Today is Bunco! It's an evening of fun, but it presents a challenge for me. Part of the evening is dinner and dessert. I never know what's on the dinner menu, and dessert is pretty much guaranteed to be a carb filled event. Sometimes I can work my way through dinner, eating just a side salad, or picking the meat out of a taco, but I just don't know till I get there. The ability to "just say no," is a powerful thing (though not always the most fun) and I typically show up a little late when I'm in the diet mode to bypass the meal. If there is something I can eat, I will, but I don't plan on it. The trick is to come without being hungry. I always have to plan to eat enough beforehand to look at the food and not have the physical temptation to overcome on top of the taste bud temptation that can't be avoided. I also try to bring a pack of gum or an Atkins "treat" with me to eat during the dessert portion of the evening. Gum is always a great deterrent to the bowls of candy that often decorate the tables as well. I have to remind myself to stay focused on the bigger picture and not undermine my long term goals for a few minutes of a tasty treat. No matter how good it might be, it's NOT worth it. I have to remember "Skinny feels better than anything can taste."
Weight: 194.4 - Another 2.2 lbs, 4.6 total from kickoff. More bulk and water weight mostly, I'm sure, but an indicator that my true gain over March Madness isn't as bad as it seemed at initial weigh-in.
Feeling: Overall pretty good. Still no headaches from carb detox but yesterday I was tired and did nap for about half an hour. My shoulder is feeling a better, my only guess is it could be connected to the yoga stretching I've reinstated into my life once or twice a day. Still has a long way to feeling good though.
Eating: Never send a hungry woman to the grocery store. I spent the whole grocery budget stocking up on low carb foods for me... not good for my family. For dinner last night I made a small plate or nachos out of pork rinds and had a frozen Atkins meal that was a sausage primavera that was really good. Ideally I would have only eaten one and not both, but the beauty of low carb is overeating isn't as big an issue as long as your carb count is down, unlike when you are counting calories.
Moving: I chose stretching and running on the trampoline again, 15 minutes of the former, 25 minutes of the latter. I hope to get to more than 25 minutes, but at this point it's a stretch getting there. I have plans tonight so fitting in the workout will be a challenge - can't work out before, so afterwards will be a late night effort.
Good news: Ketosis is here, it's just trace, but it's here. I'm fortunate that gets there pretty quickly for me.
Weight: 194.4 - Another 2.2 lbs, 4.6 total from kickoff. More bulk and water weight mostly, I'm sure, but an indicator that my true gain over March Madness isn't as bad as it seemed at initial weigh-in.
Feeling: Overall pretty good. Still no headaches from carb detox but yesterday I was tired and did nap for about half an hour. My shoulder is feeling a better, my only guess is it could be connected to the yoga stretching I've reinstated into my life once or twice a day. Still has a long way to feeling good though.
Eating: Never send a hungry woman to the grocery store. I spent the whole grocery budget stocking up on low carb foods for me... not good for my family. For dinner last night I made a small plate or nachos out of pork rinds and had a frozen Atkins meal that was a sausage primavera that was really good. Ideally I would have only eaten one and not both, but the beauty of low carb is overeating isn't as big an issue as long as your carb count is down, unlike when you are counting calories.
Moving: I chose stretching and running on the trampoline again, 15 minutes of the former, 25 minutes of the latter. I hope to get to more than 25 minutes, but at this point it's a stretch getting there. I have plans tonight so fitting in the workout will be a challenge - can't work out before, so afterwards will be a late night effort.
Good news: Ketosis is here, it's just trace, but it's here. I'm fortunate that gets there pretty quickly for me.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Day 2 Update
Weight: 196.6 (2.4 lb drop is probably mostly bulk and water weight, but that means it wasn't a legitimate gain either.)
Feeling: Less tired, I didn't need a nap yesterday. My shoulder is KILLING me, which stinks because I ran for exercise and that's going to have the least impact on the shoulder, but I will manage.
Eating: I went back to my Atkins Vanilla Fruit & Nut bar (5 carbs) for breakfast along with a water and my daily supplements. Lunch was carne asada and a salad with a couple of iced teas (<10 carbs) at my favorite restaurant. I've had a little bit of the TJ's white cheddar popcorn (~4 carbs) and an Atkins caramel nut chew bar (2 carbs). Kids are out tonight, so I may go to the store and look for a frozen Atkins meal for dinner (4-7 carbs), or I may just snack on some cheese (<1 carb). I'm not going hard core phase one, so it may take a little time to get back in ketosis. I won't check for another day or two.
Moving: Last night I did about 15 minutes of yoga stretching and I ran on the trampoline for 25 minutes. Not sure what the exercise plan for todaywill be, but I know I'll do something!
Good news: Getting through yesterday without a power nap is HUGE! Not feeling bloated and exhausted after lunch today is a nice "back to normal" after so much carbo loading during March madness. I wish this "profound difference" would stay in my mind better. I really do feel better when I eat low carb. So far no headaches from the carb detox - hoping it stays that way!
Feeling: Less tired, I didn't need a nap yesterday. My shoulder is KILLING me, which stinks because I ran for exercise and that's going to have the least impact on the shoulder, but I will manage.
Eating: I went back to my Atkins Vanilla Fruit & Nut bar (5 carbs) for breakfast along with a water and my daily supplements. Lunch was carne asada and a salad with a couple of iced teas (<10 carbs) at my favorite restaurant. I've had a little bit of the TJ's white cheddar popcorn (~4 carbs) and an Atkins caramel nut chew bar (2 carbs). Kids are out tonight, so I may go to the store and look for a frozen Atkins meal for dinner (4-7 carbs), or I may just snack on some cheese (<1 carb). I'm not going hard core phase one, so it may take a little time to get back in ketosis. I won't check for another day or two.
Moving: Last night I did about 15 minutes of yoga stretching and I ran on the trampoline for 25 minutes. Not sure what the exercise plan for todaywill be, but I know I'll do something!
Good news: Getting through yesterday without a power nap is HUGE! Not feeling bloated and exhausted after lunch today is a nice "back to normal" after so much carbo loading during March madness. I wish this "profound difference" would stay in my mind better. I really do feel better when I eat low carb. So far no headaches from the carb detox - hoping it stays that way!
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Day 1 - The Rude Awakening
The last time I updated the weight scale above in February I was down to 187.2. It was a particularly good weight in day, I considered myself really at just "under 190," which in itself was a reason to celebrate. Over the course of my own personal "March Madness" I was erratic at best getting on the scale.
194 didn't panic me. It was only really about 5 lbs up - and when you're eating regularly vs low carb, "bulk can be an issue. Just the undigested food in your tummy elevates the weight.
I was happy as long as I stayed under 196. Under 196 meant I had still lost over 50 lbs, a number I'm quote proud of. When it hit 197 last week, I dismissed the "bulk" issue and again didn't painc.
This morning I stepped on the scale - today is the day that my 60 days of eating strictly low carb and moving with exercise daily, so I needed an honest evaluation of where I am starting.
GULP.
The best I can say is I was relieved to still be under 200 - that's a number after all I swore I'd never hit again. And but by the grace of God, I am way too close. My first thought was to hide the truth - from the few of you actually following this journey. And then I remembered my commitment 47 lbs ago to be open, honest and real. So here I am again - open, honest and real - and a little bit ashamed.
But shame has kept me from getting back on the horse in the past, and it won't this time. I refuse to give in and let my weight keep creeping back up. So I'm ready to take it on.
So here we are, DAY 1 - back on low carb.
Weight: 199
Feeling: Achy, sore and worn down.
Eating: I have had an individual pack of genoa and provolone (0 carbs); about a cup of Trader Joe's White Cheddar Popcorn (~6 carbs) and two waters with sugar free Hawaiian Punch singles (2 carbs). Dinner ahead will be Taco Tuesday - 2 carnitas tacos served on lettuce wraps vs tortillas (~5 carbs). That will put my full day carb intake at about 13 carbs... at least that's my goal!
Moving: Planning on some yoga stretching this evening and either a 20-30 minute run on the trampoline, or a long jog/ walk through my neighborhood tonight.
Smart move: today I am back to taking my daily vitamin supplements.
194 didn't panic me. It was only really about 5 lbs up - and when you're eating regularly vs low carb, "bulk can be an issue. Just the undigested food in your tummy elevates the weight.
I was happy as long as I stayed under 196. Under 196 meant I had still lost over 50 lbs, a number I'm quote proud of. When it hit 197 last week, I dismissed the "bulk" issue and again didn't painc.
This morning I stepped on the scale - today is the day that my 60 days of eating strictly low carb and moving with exercise daily, so I needed an honest evaluation of where I am starting.
GULP.
The best I can say is I was relieved to still be under 200 - that's a number after all I swore I'd never hit again. And but by the grace of God, I am way too close. My first thought was to hide the truth - from the few of you actually following this journey. And then I remembered my commitment 47 lbs ago to be open, honest and real. So here I am again - open, honest and real - and a little bit ashamed.
But shame has kept me from getting back on the horse in the past, and it won't this time. I refuse to give in and let my weight keep creeping back up. So I'm ready to take it on.
So here we are, DAY 1 - back on low carb.
Weight: 199
Feeling: Achy, sore and worn down.
Eating: I have had an individual pack of genoa and provolone (0 carbs); about a cup of Trader Joe's White Cheddar Popcorn (~6 carbs) and two waters with sugar free Hawaiian Punch singles (2 carbs). Dinner ahead will be Taco Tuesday - 2 carnitas tacos served on lettuce wraps vs tortillas (~5 carbs). That will put my full day carb intake at about 13 carbs... at least that's my goal!
Moving: Planning on some yoga stretching this evening and either a 20-30 minute run on the trampoline, or a long jog/ walk through my neighborhood tonight.
Smart move: today I am back to taking my daily vitamin supplements.
Monday, April 1, 2013
60 Days
March madness is over. I gave myself permission to eat as I pleased in honor of my birthday month and nursing a sore shoulder put exercise mostly on the back burner as well. Like a true fool I gave myself a pass on April 1st as well. If I'm completely realistic, I probably put on between 5 & 7 lbs this month. Happy birthday to me.
It's been a learning month for me, I think I've realized that sugar in my diet seriously increases my aches and pains. I'm absolutely certain that it creates a serious fatigue. After some carb rich meals this past month I've found myself within an hour or so barely able to keep my eyes open. My afternoons have been filled with power naps that didn't seem all that powerful.
So I've made a decision, that April and May are going to be seriously focused months on taking care of myself physically. No, not in lieu of other priorities, but just sharing a focused importance. My GOAL is 60 days of faithful diet and exercise. I don't know how close it will get me to taking off the last 30 off pounds to my original goal.
I'm going to try to record the process here on the blog, as much to encourage others as to remind myself of the difficulties of letting myself slide backwards in taking a month off. Sitting here now I know that there is struggle ahead with the headaches of detox and the time it will take just to even get back to where I was in the scale.
But I have only slipped, and the division is far from hopeless. So tomorrow morning it's back on the saddle and hopefully by summer I'll be much closer to my goal.
Friday, March 22, 2013
March Madness
Oh my word.... I am STRUGGLING!!!!
February was a tough month for me, both boys birthdays and lots of celebrating, it was probably worse than the holidays for me. And to be honest, I'm just a little bit worn out from eating low carb and try to watch my weight.
March came with new resolve but it was weak... oh so weak. And before long I abandoned it altogether. I gave myself a pass for the month of March. It's my birthday month, after all, what harm can a little celebrating do?
The answer to that question can go many ways. Not much is a completelty viable answer, as long as I keep my focus and don't go crazy. Unfortunately, that's NOT what's going on.
The answer to the question "How much harm can it do?" Is "A WHOLE HECK OF A LOT!!"
Actually it was just yesterday that things went really wrong, but boy oh boy, it's such a fight! (Hence the title to this blog.) I have to come to terms with the fact that despite having lost over 50 lbs, I still have a lot to overcome on the battlefield of the mind.
My intention has been to allow myself to just lay aside the "low carb lifestyle" for a few (more) weeks. That doesn't have to be a bad thing, but the problem is the longer I'm "free" the more I lose the mindset of loosened restrictions and exchange it for a "free for all" eat as much as I can in as short a time as possible. And I end up having crazy binging days like I did yesterday. Days like I am trying to hold myself back from today. Too many days like this will be a fast track back to the plus size lifestyle that I so desperately don't want to be a part of.
There are so many key choices that I am not being diligent in.
(1) Don't have the temptation handy. - A craving filled "devil may care" walk through Trader Joe's brought all kinds of things into my office and I consumed way more than was even reasonable.
(2) Don't listen to your body. - I didn't have to go pick up a pizza last night just because I was "craving" it. And I definitely didn't have to buy the large, especially when I was the only one home. No, I didn't eat the whole thing or anything, but I still ate more than I should.
(3) LISTEN to your body. - Last night after eating myself way above the full meter I still ate a little more because Neal brought home a treat. Yes, I said no to the fries, but I didn't pass on his dessert, and I didn't need it. It didn't even feel good to eat it! But I did anyway.
(4) Don't drink your calories. - I am REALLY good about not drinking my calories when I'm focused on the low carb lifestlye (because all caloric drinks are carb filled drinks.) I stick primarily to iced tea and water, but now I'm stopping once or twice a day at Jack in the Box for PEACH iced tea, DOUBLE syrup because it tastes good, and it also raises my sugars, has lots of excess and unnecessary calories and creates a carb craving in me that I need to avoid.
(5) Get rid of the now or never mindset. - The truth is, the food should be able to be said "NO" to. It's not as though I can't have it later, or never. I eat like if I don't I'm going to be missing out on something, or like the opportunity to have a Creme Brulee Bruxie (the dessert I should have passed on last night) is never going to come up again.
See? I know the rules. I KNOW how to be a thin eater and take care of myself, I'm just not doing it. And I get on the scale and I'm up three pounds in a day! Three pounds that can take a week or more to lose, IF I'm doing things right!
3 years ago when I tutrned 40 I found myself at this exact place. I was feeling great after losing a lot of weight, but something happened and I plummeted down hill working my way back up to my highest weight ever. Next Tuesday I will turn 43 and I'm at this crossroads again. I have GOT to get my head on straight and get my act together!
March has been a month of madness, my own personal worst kind, and I can't let it continue. I may not go back on low-carb eating till after Easter as I originally planned, but I HAVE to set these wise rules back in action in order to not completely undermine the effort and success I've already had. I can't do it in my own strength, apparently, so I need to right my focus, grab hold of my God and remember that I need to get it together because it's the right thing to do, it's the best way to honor my God and it's the best possible birthday gift I can give to myself.
Help me Father, in Jesus' name!
February was a tough month for me, both boys birthdays and lots of celebrating, it was probably worse than the holidays for me. And to be honest, I'm just a little bit worn out from eating low carb and try to watch my weight.
March came with new resolve but it was weak... oh so weak. And before long I abandoned it altogether. I gave myself a pass for the month of March. It's my birthday month, after all, what harm can a little celebrating do?
The answer to that question can go many ways. Not much is a completelty viable answer, as long as I keep my focus and don't go crazy. Unfortunately, that's NOT what's going on.
The answer to the question "How much harm can it do?" Is "A WHOLE HECK OF A LOT!!"
Actually it was just yesterday that things went really wrong, but boy oh boy, it's such a fight! (Hence the title to this blog.) I have to come to terms with the fact that despite having lost over 50 lbs, I still have a lot to overcome on the battlefield of the mind.
My intention has been to allow myself to just lay aside the "low carb lifestyle" for a few (more) weeks. That doesn't have to be a bad thing, but the problem is the longer I'm "free" the more I lose the mindset of loosened restrictions and exchange it for a "free for all" eat as much as I can in as short a time as possible. And I end up having crazy binging days like I did yesterday. Days like I am trying to hold myself back from today. Too many days like this will be a fast track back to the plus size lifestyle that I so desperately don't want to be a part of.
There are so many key choices that I am not being diligent in.
(1) Don't have the temptation handy. - A craving filled "devil may care" walk through Trader Joe's brought all kinds of things into my office and I consumed way more than was even reasonable.
(2) Don't listen to your body. - I didn't have to go pick up a pizza last night just because I was "craving" it. And I definitely didn't have to buy the large, especially when I was the only one home. No, I didn't eat the whole thing or anything, but I still ate more than I should.
(3) LISTEN to your body. - Last night after eating myself way above the full meter I still ate a little more because Neal brought home a treat. Yes, I said no to the fries, but I didn't pass on his dessert, and I didn't need it. It didn't even feel good to eat it! But I did anyway.
(4) Don't drink your calories. - I am REALLY good about not drinking my calories when I'm focused on the low carb lifestlye (because all caloric drinks are carb filled drinks.) I stick primarily to iced tea and water, but now I'm stopping once or twice a day at Jack in the Box for PEACH iced tea, DOUBLE syrup because it tastes good, and it also raises my sugars, has lots of excess and unnecessary calories and creates a carb craving in me that I need to avoid.
(5) Get rid of the now or never mindset. - The truth is, the food should be able to be said "NO" to. It's not as though I can't have it later, or never. I eat like if I don't I'm going to be missing out on something, or like the opportunity to have a Creme Brulee Bruxie (the dessert I should have passed on last night) is never going to come up again.
See? I know the rules. I KNOW how to be a thin eater and take care of myself, I'm just not doing it. And I get on the scale and I'm up three pounds in a day! Three pounds that can take a week or more to lose, IF I'm doing things right!
3 years ago when I tutrned 40 I found myself at this exact place. I was feeling great after losing a lot of weight, but something happened and I plummeted down hill working my way back up to my highest weight ever. Next Tuesday I will turn 43 and I'm at this crossroads again. I have GOT to get my head on straight and get my act together!
March has been a month of madness, my own personal worst kind, and I can't let it continue. I may not go back on low-carb eating till after Easter as I originally planned, but I HAVE to set these wise rules back in action in order to not completely undermine the effort and success I've already had. I can't do it in my own strength, apparently, so I need to right my focus, grab hold of my God and remember that I need to get it together because it's the right thing to do, it's the best way to honor my God and it's the best possible birthday gift I can give to myself.
Help me Father, in Jesus' name!
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
The War
It's been a while since I posted here. Mostly because it's been a while since I actually made any progress. It's pretty depressing, and I find myself at a bit of a crossroads.
Three years ago this month when I celebrated my 40th birthday I was feeling great. I had lost about 35 lbs, was working out regularly and looked and felt better than I had in years physically. At the same time I was at probably my lowest point spiritually than I had been since I rededicated my life to Christ in 1992. I heard myself in a conversation right around that time and I said "Jesus will always be there, right now I am going to put all my focus on my physical health, my spiritual health can wait." Boy was I standing on a dangerously slippery slope that day. I look back at that girl and I want to slap her and ask her, what in the world was she thinking?
The truth is, she was thinking all about self. And by were here priorities out of whack. She had freely exchanged the Rock foundation for sand. What a fool, she actually thought she could succeed (at anything) on her own? It wasn't long after that that everything went to hell in a hand basket. All her personal efforts fell completely apart and by summer I started putting weight back on and over the next two years I put on 52 lbs and landed at the heaviest and most unhealthy place I'd ever been in my life. The rotten on the inside squeezed out into my everything.
But God in His grace did recapture my heart. I righted my heart toward Him. The next year might have been my best year spiritually since I'd come to Christ, reading through the whole Bible in a year, falling in love with God's Word again, letting go of every distraction. God did a lot in my spirit over the next year, even if my body went to pot.
Last year the two worlds finally collided, and while holding on to Jesus with both hands and all my heart, I set out to get my body right as well. From June to December I took off over 50 lbs, but the battle between body and spirit and the priorities for both has begun again.
I learned a hard lesson, I will never (with God's help) ever put my physical health above my spiritual well-being ever again. With God's help, with God's help, in Jesus' name with God's help... I definitely learned one thing, never think myself above a stumble!! Maybe that's the REAL lesson I learned!
Anyway, I've been struggling again, but it's a different kind of struggle. It's no longer the flesh against the spirit-- no, now that the two of them finally seem to be lined up, both the flesh and the spirit seem to be under attack. Truthfully, that fight can cause a fight between them though, and I find myself desperately battling between the two. It's like a marriage, the flesh and the spirit. When under stress or attack they can do one of two things come together or turn on each other. Lately, it's been fighting times, both under attack the spirit and flesh are going after each other.
It's pretty simple to address the issue, when flesh rises against spirit, the one who's been "eating" the best will win. Warning though, if you're just lackadaisical the flesh is being fed all the time even if it isn't intentional, and it will rise up against the spirit, and even if it doesn't win, it will give it one heck of a beating. That's what's been going on with me.
My body is broken, working out hasn't been going on because of it. My wherewithal and resolve to stick to the diet have been weak at best (there is ALWAYS a reason to postpone the diet till tomorrow.) Last night I was watching The Biggest Loser, and I listened as the final 5 contestants talked about never going back. I have not headed that direction, but the risk has been high. A month ago I felt great working out while I watched BL, two weeks ago guilt crept in as I sat and stuffed my face watching the same. Last night I sat plotting a trip to 7-Eleven for a candy bar (I ate 2 the night before) and I decided I didn't want to go back either. I got up and ran on the trampoline while I watched the BL contestants fight for their goals.
I'm 67% of my way to the goal I set back in June when I hit my bottom and headed back on the track to getting healthy mind, body AND spirit. I'm just a couple pounds below where I was when I fell painfully backwards three years ago. I don't want to go there again. I took a good step the right direction last night, but I've got a lot of steps to make if I want to make the other 33% to goal. I want it, but I've got to want it more, and I've got to want to do it with my focus right and gripping to my Savior. He is my salvation and my hope, not just in the "end" but all along the way. I really hope I can get there! Lord help me!
Three years ago this month when I celebrated my 40th birthday I was feeling great. I had lost about 35 lbs, was working out regularly and looked and felt better than I had in years physically. At the same time I was at probably my lowest point spiritually than I had been since I rededicated my life to Christ in 1992. I heard myself in a conversation right around that time and I said "Jesus will always be there, right now I am going to put all my focus on my physical health, my spiritual health can wait." Boy was I standing on a dangerously slippery slope that day. I look back at that girl and I want to slap her and ask her, what in the world was she thinking?
The truth is, she was thinking all about self. And by were here priorities out of whack. She had freely exchanged the Rock foundation for sand. What a fool, she actually thought she could succeed (at anything) on her own? It wasn't long after that that everything went to hell in a hand basket. All her personal efforts fell completely apart and by summer I started putting weight back on and over the next two years I put on 52 lbs and landed at the heaviest and most unhealthy place I'd ever been in my life. The rotten on the inside squeezed out into my everything.
But God in His grace did recapture my heart. I righted my heart toward Him. The next year might have been my best year spiritually since I'd come to Christ, reading through the whole Bible in a year, falling in love with God's Word again, letting go of every distraction. God did a lot in my spirit over the next year, even if my body went to pot.
Last year the two worlds finally collided, and while holding on to Jesus with both hands and all my heart, I set out to get my body right as well. From June to December I took off over 50 lbs, but the battle between body and spirit and the priorities for both has begun again.
I learned a hard lesson, I will never (with God's help) ever put my physical health above my spiritual well-being ever again. With God's help, with God's help, in Jesus' name with God's help... I definitely learned one thing, never think myself above a stumble!! Maybe that's the REAL lesson I learned!
Anyway, I've been struggling again, but it's a different kind of struggle. It's no longer the flesh against the spirit-- no, now that the two of them finally seem to be lined up, both the flesh and the spirit seem to be under attack. Truthfully, that fight can cause a fight between them though, and I find myself desperately battling between the two. It's like a marriage, the flesh and the spirit. When under stress or attack they can do one of two things come together or turn on each other. Lately, it's been fighting times, both under attack the spirit and flesh are going after each other.
It's pretty simple to address the issue, when flesh rises against spirit, the one who's been "eating" the best will win. Warning though, if you're just lackadaisical the flesh is being fed all the time even if it isn't intentional, and it will rise up against the spirit, and even if it doesn't win, it will give it one heck of a beating. That's what's been going on with me.
My body is broken, working out hasn't been going on because of it. My wherewithal and resolve to stick to the diet have been weak at best (there is ALWAYS a reason to postpone the diet till tomorrow.) Last night I was watching The Biggest Loser, and I listened as the final 5 contestants talked about never going back. I have not headed that direction, but the risk has been high. A month ago I felt great working out while I watched BL, two weeks ago guilt crept in as I sat and stuffed my face watching the same. Last night I sat plotting a trip to 7-Eleven for a candy bar (I ate 2 the night before) and I decided I didn't want to go back either. I got up and ran on the trampoline while I watched the BL contestants fight for their goals.
I'm 67% of my way to the goal I set back in June when I hit my bottom and headed back on the track to getting healthy mind, body AND spirit. I'm just a couple pounds below where I was when I fell painfully backwards three years ago. I don't want to go there again. I took a good step the right direction last night, but I've got a lot of steps to make if I want to make the other 33% to goal. I want it, but I've got to want it more, and I've got to want to do it with my focus right and gripping to my Savior. He is my salvation and my hope, not just in the "end" but all along the way. I really hope I can get there! Lord help me!
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