On my 40th birthday, I felt the best I had in over a decade. I'd lost 50 lbs, was exercising daily, my blood pressure was down, my blood sugar was good. I had thrown away all my "fat clothes," I could actually run. I remember on my birthday specifically thinking that I felt even better than I did when I turned 30.
Sigh.
What a long way I've fallen since.
3 lbs. That's all that is between me and the highest weight I've ever been. The shorts I kept in my drawer as a reminder of how far I'd come would fit if I pulled them out of my drawer now. But I can't bear to. I cannot bear the shame.
I've shared here before about the fact that when I was in such exceptional health physically, actually I was in dire straits, at risk of a great fall. Since then things have much improved spiritually, but at great physical expense. But if I'm honest that's not completely true.
Obviously there is a serious lack of balance, order and discipline in my life. Gluttony is an obvious issue. I've gone downhill quickly the last nine months eating my hurt, anxiety and stress, harming myself in the process.
I've made excuses. "At least I'm better spiritually." And I am, but not better enough. "If something has to give, better exercising than reading my bible." Maybe there is truth in the statement, but Jesus came that I might have abundant life. And the condition of my body is robbing me of it.
I didn't want to do Atkins again. I said it was just exchanging one bondage for another. Maybe that's true, but it works. I'm hoping it will be the kick start to getting healthy again. Where I am I can barely move much less exercise. Discipline will be a tool.
When summer starts at the school year's end, I plan to begin a no carb/ low carb summer. I have to. Because in this "fight to lose," I've given up the fight. I've got to scrap and scrounge, and dig my way out of this pit. I'm hoping for the Lord's help along the way. In Jesus' name.
