It has been a miserable failing summer in the realm of health and weight loss for me. I have done some SERIOUS damage to the efforts of the last year. And it is sad and disheartening how much much easier it is to put weight on than it is to take it off, and over the course of the last few months (because it actually started before summer) I have taken my 50+ pound weight lost and mangled it down to 30-ish (less then 30 as of this morning by about a pound, but that could change from one good day.)
The vicious cycle of self-disappointment and emotional eating is a hard one to overcome. Any "knots" I tied to stop the "bleeding" quickly became unraveled, and ounce by ounce my weight has been creeping up the wrong direction.
The emotional eating is a HUGE issue, and the fact the stress and disappointment is running RAMPANT in life right now doesn't help. I had a horribly clear visual of the issue of emotional eating in my life on the way home from a particularly bad day at work last week. I was belting back a box of junior mints like a bottle of whiskey as I drove away from my (precarious) job in a bundle of frustration and anger. It smacked me right in the face, food for comfort and emotional management is not really any better than taking a swig on an actual bottle of booze or even taking a hit off a joint or snorting something right up my nose.
Is it more acceptable? Yes. Is it legal? Yes. But the emotion behind it is not very different at all. OUCH.
Outside of my immediate - hubby and children - family situation, stress it pounding on every front. There's nowhere I really find myself content other than at home. And the reality is all the hurts, frustrations and problems pound at my front door, and late night snacks and poor food choices call out to me for a moment of relief. It's ugly. It makes ME feel ugly.
So I have worked myself back to not fitting in my clothes, hating to stand on the scale and feeling like I am falling into the pit. Added to that the pain in my shoulder and now a knee that keeps hyper extending on me and lots of tight and painful muscles being roadblocks, now added to the heat from hell September we've suddenly stumbled upon, exercise too has been limited. Even the pool hours I put in over the summer (not nearly as many as I'd hoped) cannot counter what's been going down, plus one good pool day usually led to three or four painful shoulder days after. Sigh.
So tomorrow starts yet another attempt to do SOMETHING about my weight. I am not in the right mindset to manage low-carb living right now. (Though this next challenge will make it clear if anything else can even be successful.)
I am taking part in a 60 Day Body Mind Spirit challenge with three other team members that is hosted by the blogger over on http://www.funkyvintagelovely.com/. A friend of mine who had some really good results with the last 60 Day BMS challenge suggested it to me. Her take was that I would thrive in the biundaries of it - of which there are many - food lists (noes and goes) and exercise requirements, spiritual adds (because the bottom line is this is more a spiritual issue for me than a physical one) and even extra credit opportunities. Counting my points (I am an accounting girl you know) and keeping and giving myself credit for my efforts, there's even an opportunity for rewards. Bottom line, the rule follower in me will have lots and lots of rules to occupy her time. I hope my girlfriend is right.
So tomorrow morning I begin, and I pray I can get moving the right direction again.
Friday, September 6, 2013
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
My own personal eating disorder.
40 is the new 50.
40 is the new 50? That doesn't sound good at all, does it?
No, it doesn't, and it isn't... especially because I'm not talking age here, I'm talking weight loss. Or in reality, I'm talking weight gain. My 50+ lb weight loss has gone to pot. At it's best it was actually about 56 lbs. I am not not even actually at 40, I'm at 38.2. My weight has ballooned back up to 208 lbs.
208 - that's 8 lbs above the 200 I promised myself I would never cross again.
No excuses, but here are mine:
(1) My shoulder/arm have been troubling me for over 6 months. Working out is difficult and even downright painful at times and usually causes pain for days after. Even walking (and definitely running) jars my shoulder enough that it hurts and aches, much less anything that actually involves moving my arm.
(2) Low-carb get complicated. It means not being able to eat the same meal as my family, it gets boring after a while, and it requires a determination I seem to have lost, despite the fact that I feel so much better when I eat that way.
(3) I am in a spiritual funk/ struggle that is overflowing into my physical and mental well-being. I'm not on point, there is a part of me that doesn't even give a shit (yes, I said it) and it's a battle you cannot find if your heart isn't in it.
The reality is, my "Fight to Lose" is not even a physical issue, my weight problems and struggles with food are all about my head and my heart, not about my body. It's some sort of jacked up personalized eating disorder that has no name, I am sure of it.
I find myself 10 o'clock at night, not hungry but bore. I get a craving-- not even necessarily for anything specific, but a craving, and I'll be on the hunt. Oreos in the pantry... no, truth be told they're not even in the pantry, the kids might find them then, they're hidden up in some personal private stash (that my kids totally know about by the way but wouldn't dare raid) and I'll grab a glass of milk and 2 Oreos... and then I'll grab two more. I'll sit my butt on the couch, eat the 4 Oreos and when there is still half a glass of milk left, I'll go back and grab 4 more. The whole time there is a tiny voice of reason whispering "Don't do it," from the beginning, but I don't just ignore it, I don't even stop at resisting it, I DEFY it. I hear myself say (and sometimes actually utter it out loud) "I'll do it if I want to." And I do... even though in my heart of hearts, I really don't want to.
(Enter Romans chapter 7 lesson here.)
It's not just the Oreos at night, it's the Raspberry Milano cookies at my mom's house too. A long swim with the kids and I think, "I earned ONE." But by the time I leave it's been 4 or 5. My "reward." My REWARD??? What the heck am I doing to myself? I don't know, and I don't know why I don't stop, but if I take one of anything, it's like I open a floodgate and I just keep going. Another helping of potatoes, one more piece of chicken, another handful or ten of the candied walnuts I made for the salad....
In my mind I quietly promise myself I will get on track the next day. "Today is shot," I say, "tomorrow I'll do better."
I wake up in the morning and my first thought is about my weight. "Damn you, Diana!" I say. And I wake up feeling what I can only imagine is similar to what a relapsed alcoholic must feel like the morning after a binge. I go into my bathroom and strip off every ounce of clothing and beg God for mercy as I step on the scale. On the days it has gone down a little I slip myself a secret pass with "you're not doing so bad" and sometime later in the day I will "reward" myself with another cookie or treat that will open a floodgate of trouble and struggle. If my weight is up (which is more often) I feel the wave of self-hatred come over me, and bitterly wonder why God won't just free me of this addiction. Why do I have to do the work?
I would love to be thin, have a hard body, always look great in my clothes, but at the end of the day, I'm never going to be a marathon runner, or a P90X graduate or an Insanity enthusiast, and if I am honest, my real dream is just to be victorious over my food issues, and not constantly feel the stronghold of fighting to make decent healthy choices. I just want to be able to be NOT FAT and not fighting food.
I tried "tying the knot" at 199 lbs, and I'm up another 9. Self-determination didn't work.
Today a friend texted me just as I was standing in front of my refrigerator fighting the war between grabbing a fresh peach and grabbing the more desirable peanut butter chocolate PopTart (and yes, I would eat both pastries in the package.) "I'm praying for you," she said. She's been battling her weight too, and we've been talking about slipping the wrong direction. Her text was timely and the Lord's encouragement, I grabbed the peach to bring with me to work. I would wait to eat it until ACTUAL hunger struck (not eat based on a clock or a habit, but because my body was actually looking for fuel.)
Our conversation continued and we're going to work some accountability into the picture for us both. For me, that means keeping a food log. I had to keep a time log recently for a project and it really made me more responsible with my time. I am hoping this will make me think twice about my eating (today is going fairly well so far.)
I'm going to take it one step at a time. I am going to take on the spiritual battle and the mental battle and pray my body experiences the benefits. Accountability is in place with my friend (and this blog if anyone is reading it too, I suppose). I am going to try to wait and watch for TRUE HUNGER, and watch my portion control. I am going to TRY to stop buying so much crap and having it in the house (actually having to battle the thought in my mind right now of "getting rid of it" by eating it all today... it's sick.) And going to try to continue to cook daily for my family (another goal altogether) and manage my eating with less sugars and carbs (but not necessarily low/no carb) and smaller portions as well as eating at better times of day, etc. I miss exercising, so I will continue to try to include what I can, at least walking most days if nothing else.
This Fight to Lose is one heck or a battle, and I have been losing (by gaining weight to be specific) so I hope I'm headed for a turnaround. God help me... Sincerely, GOD help me. I need it.
40 is the new 50? That doesn't sound good at all, does it?
No, it doesn't, and it isn't... especially because I'm not talking age here, I'm talking weight loss. Or in reality, I'm talking weight gain. My 50+ lb weight loss has gone to pot. At it's best it was actually about 56 lbs. I am not not even actually at 40, I'm at 38.2. My weight has ballooned back up to 208 lbs.
208 - that's 8 lbs above the 200 I promised myself I would never cross again.
No excuses, but here are mine:
(1) My shoulder/arm have been troubling me for over 6 months. Working out is difficult and even downright painful at times and usually causes pain for days after. Even walking (and definitely running) jars my shoulder enough that it hurts and aches, much less anything that actually involves moving my arm.
(2) Low-carb get complicated. It means not being able to eat the same meal as my family, it gets boring after a while, and it requires a determination I seem to have lost, despite the fact that I feel so much better when I eat that way.
(3) I am in a spiritual funk/ struggle that is overflowing into my physical and mental well-being. I'm not on point, there is a part of me that doesn't even give a shit (yes, I said it) and it's a battle you cannot find if your heart isn't in it.
The reality is, my "Fight to Lose" is not even a physical issue, my weight problems and struggles with food are all about my head and my heart, not about my body. It's some sort of jacked up personalized eating disorder that has no name, I am sure of it.
I find myself 10 o'clock at night, not hungry but bore. I get a craving-- not even necessarily for anything specific, but a craving, and I'll be on the hunt. Oreos in the pantry... no, truth be told they're not even in the pantry, the kids might find them then, they're hidden up in some personal private stash (that my kids totally know about by the way but wouldn't dare raid) and I'll grab a glass of milk and 2 Oreos... and then I'll grab two more. I'll sit my butt on the couch, eat the 4 Oreos and when there is still half a glass of milk left, I'll go back and grab 4 more. The whole time there is a tiny voice of reason whispering "Don't do it," from the beginning, but I don't just ignore it, I don't even stop at resisting it, I DEFY it. I hear myself say (and sometimes actually utter it out loud) "I'll do it if I want to." And I do... even though in my heart of hearts, I really don't want to.
(Enter Romans chapter 7 lesson here.)
It's not just the Oreos at night, it's the Raspberry Milano cookies at my mom's house too. A long swim with the kids and I think, "I earned ONE." But by the time I leave it's been 4 or 5. My "reward." My REWARD??? What the heck am I doing to myself? I don't know, and I don't know why I don't stop, but if I take one of anything, it's like I open a floodgate and I just keep going. Another helping of potatoes, one more piece of chicken, another handful or ten of the candied walnuts I made for the salad....
In my mind I quietly promise myself I will get on track the next day. "Today is shot," I say, "tomorrow I'll do better."
I wake up in the morning and my first thought is about my weight. "Damn you, Diana!" I say. And I wake up feeling what I can only imagine is similar to what a relapsed alcoholic must feel like the morning after a binge. I go into my bathroom and strip off every ounce of clothing and beg God for mercy as I step on the scale. On the days it has gone down a little I slip myself a secret pass with "you're not doing so bad" and sometime later in the day I will "reward" myself with another cookie or treat that will open a floodgate of trouble and struggle. If my weight is up (which is more often) I feel the wave of self-hatred come over me, and bitterly wonder why God won't just free me of this addiction. Why do I have to do the work?
I would love to be thin, have a hard body, always look great in my clothes, but at the end of the day, I'm never going to be a marathon runner, or a P90X graduate or an Insanity enthusiast, and if I am honest, my real dream is just to be victorious over my food issues, and not constantly feel the stronghold of fighting to make decent healthy choices. I just want to be able to be NOT FAT and not fighting food.
I tried "tying the knot" at 199 lbs, and I'm up another 9. Self-determination didn't work.
Today a friend texted me just as I was standing in front of my refrigerator fighting the war between grabbing a fresh peach and grabbing the more desirable peanut butter chocolate PopTart (and yes, I would eat both pastries in the package.) "I'm praying for you," she said. She's been battling her weight too, and we've been talking about slipping the wrong direction. Her text was timely and the Lord's encouragement, I grabbed the peach to bring with me to work. I would wait to eat it until ACTUAL hunger struck (not eat based on a clock or a habit, but because my body was actually looking for fuel.)
Our conversation continued and we're going to work some accountability into the picture for us both. For me, that means keeping a food log. I had to keep a time log recently for a project and it really made me more responsible with my time. I am hoping this will make me think twice about my eating (today is going fairly well so far.)
I'm going to take it one step at a time. I am going to take on the spiritual battle and the mental battle and pray my body experiences the benefits. Accountability is in place with my friend (and this blog if anyone is reading it too, I suppose). I am going to try to wait and watch for TRUE HUNGER, and watch my portion control. I am going to TRY to stop buying so much crap and having it in the house (actually having to battle the thought in my mind right now of "getting rid of it" by eating it all today... it's sick.) And going to try to continue to cook daily for my family (another goal altogether) and manage my eating with less sugars and carbs (but not necessarily low/no carb) and smaller portions as well as eating at better times of day, etc. I miss exercising, so I will continue to try to include what I can, at least walking most days if nothing else.
This Fight to Lose is one heck or a battle, and I have been losing (by gaining weight to be specific) so I hope I'm headed for a turnaround. God help me... Sincerely, GOD help me. I need it.
Friday, June 14, 2013
The Diet Killer
Not Low-carb but so delicious.
Ingredients:
2 Rome Apples
2 cans of crescent rolls
Cup of butter or margarine
Cup of white sugar
2 tbs vanilla bean ice cream
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup Cinnamon & sugar mixture (1:3 parts)
1/2 cup Mt. Dew
2 Rome Apples
2 cans of crescent rolls
Cup of butter or margarine
Cup of white sugar
2 tbs vanilla bean ice cream
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup Cinnamon & sugar mixture (1:3 parts)
1/2 cup Mt. Dew
Directions:
Preheat oven to 350
Butter 13 x 9 glass pan
Core & peel apples cut each into 8 pcs
Wrap each slice in a crescent roll, place in pan
Melt 1 cup butter
Add 1 cup white sugar stir slightly
Turn off heat
Wait minute add 2 tbs ice cream, stir
Add 1/2 cup of brown sugar stir till dissolved, pour mixture over crescent rolls with apples.
Pour Mt. Dew around edges of pan.
Sprinkle cinnamon/ sugar mixture over top.
Bake for 40 minutes.
Serves great with Vanilla ice cream.
Preheat oven to 350
Butter 13 x 9 glass pan
Core & peel apples cut each into 8 pcs
Wrap each slice in a crescent roll, place in pan
Melt 1 cup butter
Add 1 cup white sugar stir slightly
Turn off heat
Wait minute add 2 tbs ice cream, stir
Add 1/2 cup of brown sugar stir till dissolved, pour mixture over crescent rolls with apples.
Pour Mt. Dew around edges of pan.
Sprinkle cinnamon/ sugar mixture over top.
Bake for 40 minutes.
Serves great with Vanilla ice cream.
Total diet killer, but what a way to go!
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Tying a knot
A rope ends wherever you tie the know (in my pretty little head anyway.) and I am tying my knot in the diet rope right here and now.
When to put on a pair of sweats for a late night walk and being tied from the last time I wore them, they were tight. T.I.G.H.T. I headed into my bathroom, grabbed my tape measure and the news was undeniable, I have put a couple INCHES back on!
I knew my clothes felt a little tight, and I felt myself gravitating toward a few of my larger items. I stood right at the top of that slippery slope. I have been here before and tumbled horribly! And I refuse to slip any farther than I already have.
So, no more I'll start Monday... next week... etc. I am back in the saddle post haste.
Goodbye carbs. I cannot afford to play with you, I must bid you farewell.
The knot is ties and I am climbing back up the rope toward my goals. I pray the damage is undone quickly and I intend to seek the Lord and His strength to make the right choice. I don't ever want to be trapped inside that fat girl again!
When to put on a pair of sweats for a late night walk and being tied from the last time I wore them, they were tight. T.I.G.H.T. I headed into my bathroom, grabbed my tape measure and the news was undeniable, I have put a couple INCHES back on!
I knew my clothes felt a little tight, and I felt myself gravitating toward a few of my larger items. I stood right at the top of that slippery slope. I have been here before and tumbled horribly! And I refuse to slip any farther than I already have.
So, no more I'll start Monday... next week... etc. I am back in the saddle post haste.
Goodbye carbs. I cannot afford to play with you, I must bid you farewell.
The knot is ties and I am climbing back up the rope toward my goals. I pray the damage is undone quickly and I intend to seek the Lord and His strength to make the right choice. I don't ever want to be trapped inside that fat girl again!
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
The hardest part
Sigh.
I am hopeless and pitiful, and at the bottom end of "The Fight to Lose" once again.
In the beginning of April I made a commitment to stick to a strict regimen for two months. After (my own personal) March Madness I had put some weight back on and I needed to get it off as well as continue to work toward my goal. I made a good effort throughout the month of April, and got back down close to where I was before March. Then May hit and I stumbled again. And in the first three weeks of the month I have fallen back down worse than where I was at the beginning of April!
This is how I gained 50 lbs in two years - and here I am facing my weakness and inadequacy right in the face again, back up over a number I swore I never would be. Failure.
Well, I suppose it's only failure if I continue on the path. But I am having a hard time NOT continuing down it.
For the last few days I have been trying to be "good" in the non-"low-carb" sense just counting calories, but the scale continues to creep up. I've also noticed that I FEEL like HELL! Achy, tired, stiff.
My shoulder pain has been at the core of my issues. I haven't been able to work out because of my shoulder. When I can't work out I get discouraged and it gets hard to stick to the diet, then when I stumble in the diet I slip down the slippery slope and the weight comes on.
I've been in a lot of pain for the last few days, but I noticed today that it's a different ache, and it's not just in my shoulder (though it hurts too) - but it's in my joints, especially my elbows and my knees. And so today it occurs to me, I think the source of it is the carbs I've been eating. I think the aches and pains are my body reminding me that I need to eat low-carb because of my body, not to lose weight, but to live healthy.
I wish I could hold onto a sensory memory of how I feel right now - tired, a headache, aches in my elbows, knees, neck and BOTH shoulders so that when I am tempted to indulge in simple sugars (both refined AND natural) I would remember it's not worth it! (That's why I'm blogging, so I can look back at this and remind myself.)
I'm going to be honest, I'm still not mentally and emotionally committed to getting back on the horse. I'm looking toward a week of dinner plans and I don't want to be bound by the low-carb lifestyle. It's not easy all the time. BUT...
It's what is healthy for me to keep my insulin resistance in check and to feel strong and energized. It's the only way for me to lose OR keep off weight.
The hardest part about the fight to lose (and keep it off) isn't fought in the physical, it's in the emotional and spiritual that the battle is won or lost. And the body willfully follows right after the mind and spirit.
I've got to find my "want to," again, and it has to stand up stronger than all the things working against it, sore shoulder and all.
I am hopeless and pitiful, and at the bottom end of "The Fight to Lose" once again.
In the beginning of April I made a commitment to stick to a strict regimen for two months. After (my own personal) March Madness I had put some weight back on and I needed to get it off as well as continue to work toward my goal. I made a good effort throughout the month of April, and got back down close to where I was before March. Then May hit and I stumbled again. And in the first three weeks of the month I have fallen back down worse than where I was at the beginning of April!
This is how I gained 50 lbs in two years - and here I am facing my weakness and inadequacy right in the face again, back up over a number I swore I never would be. Failure.
Well, I suppose it's only failure if I continue on the path. But I am having a hard time NOT continuing down it.
For the last few days I have been trying to be "good" in the non-"low-carb" sense just counting calories, but the scale continues to creep up. I've also noticed that I FEEL like HELL! Achy, tired, stiff.
My shoulder pain has been at the core of my issues. I haven't been able to work out because of my shoulder. When I can't work out I get discouraged and it gets hard to stick to the diet, then when I stumble in the diet I slip down the slippery slope and the weight comes on.
I've been in a lot of pain for the last few days, but I noticed today that it's a different ache, and it's not just in my shoulder (though it hurts too) - but it's in my joints, especially my elbows and my knees. And so today it occurs to me, I think the source of it is the carbs I've been eating. I think the aches and pains are my body reminding me that I need to eat low-carb because of my body, not to lose weight, but to live healthy.
I wish I could hold onto a sensory memory of how I feel right now - tired, a headache, aches in my elbows, knees, neck and BOTH shoulders so that when I am tempted to indulge in simple sugars (both refined AND natural) I would remember it's not worth it! (That's why I'm blogging, so I can look back at this and remind myself.)
I'm going to be honest, I'm still not mentally and emotionally committed to getting back on the horse. I'm looking toward a week of dinner plans and I don't want to be bound by the low-carb lifestyle. It's not easy all the time. BUT...
It's what is healthy for me to keep my insulin resistance in check and to feel strong and energized. It's the only way for me to lose OR keep off weight.
The hardest part about the fight to lose (and keep it off) isn't fought in the physical, it's in the emotional and spiritual that the battle is won or lost. And the body willfully follows right after the mind and spirit.
I've got to find my "want to," again, and it has to stand up stronger than all the things working against it, sore shoulder and all.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
A losing battle
I don't even know what to name this post. "Stalled" is appropriate, but it's been used. Stumbled may be a better option.
My determination for 60 days of strict diet and daily exercise has gone completely by the way side. I made it a full month before I blew the diet aspect, but the exercise has fallen apart over and over again. My shoulder has been a part of that problem, along with a full schedule and a little lack of desire. I've just lost a little of my drive.
Last week I threw my hands up in the air and after 30 days of being strict to the diet I cheated and I cheated big, and then I cheated repeatedly. My will and intention was "just a couple days" but I ended up putting back on 3 of the 9 pounds I lost over the 30 days. There is something about the "taking a break mentality" that leads to sort of a drunken sailor on a three day pass result. I don't just enjoy a few things but I eat like there's no tomorrow, and like if I don't eat it now it will never be there to be eaten again. It's the sick root that has created two decades of struggle with food.
Even looking at the scale and suffering the "above 190" blues doesn't stop me. It's like unleashing a beast, and it's the battle that has been driving me crazy for years.
I am frustrated that I couldn't even get through my 60 days. Chalk up another failure. And I am frustrated that I still really don't want to stick to the low carb effort. Sometimes it just gets old and hard, even though it honestly is the best option for my body. Just today I don't have the drive.
Tomorrow is my anniversary, and it's a Mother's Day weekend as well - I just want to enjoy a couple treats without guilt. Food and celebration, another battle.
I am stuck. Today I ordered a supplement. I don't know if it's wise or foolish, but I just feel like I need to shake things up somehow. I don't know if I'm on the diet or if I'm not. I am frustrated.
I've lost 53 lbs which is only about 2/3 of the way to my original goal. But I am seriously wondering if I can EVER even reach my goal without the luxury of a full time opportunity to do so ala Biggest Loser. Which by the way, I am no longer heavy enough for. But I feel like a different kind of big loser in my failure to get anywhere near my goals.
I don't know what to do. Today I don't have the will or the drive to be "low-carb." And today my shoulder is still interfering with my exercise. I think I'm going to start walking again? My knees hurt to, I don't know what to do.
I think today is just a really bad day. This is why this blog is titled what it is - "The Fight to Lose," because it is without a doubt a FIGHT - and today it feels like a losing battle! (There it is, the title for this post...)
My determination for 60 days of strict diet and daily exercise has gone completely by the way side. I made it a full month before I blew the diet aspect, but the exercise has fallen apart over and over again. My shoulder has been a part of that problem, along with a full schedule and a little lack of desire. I've just lost a little of my drive.
Last week I threw my hands up in the air and after 30 days of being strict to the diet I cheated and I cheated big, and then I cheated repeatedly. My will and intention was "just a couple days" but I ended up putting back on 3 of the 9 pounds I lost over the 30 days. There is something about the "taking a break mentality" that leads to sort of a drunken sailor on a three day pass result. I don't just enjoy a few things but I eat like there's no tomorrow, and like if I don't eat it now it will never be there to be eaten again. It's the sick root that has created two decades of struggle with food.
Even looking at the scale and suffering the "above 190" blues doesn't stop me. It's like unleashing a beast, and it's the battle that has been driving me crazy for years.
I am frustrated that I couldn't even get through my 60 days. Chalk up another failure. And I am frustrated that I still really don't want to stick to the low carb effort. Sometimes it just gets old and hard, even though it honestly is the best option for my body. Just today I don't have the drive.
Tomorrow is my anniversary, and it's a Mother's Day weekend as well - I just want to enjoy a couple treats without guilt. Food and celebration, another battle.
I am stuck. Today I ordered a supplement. I don't know if it's wise or foolish, but I just feel like I need to shake things up somehow. I don't know if I'm on the diet or if I'm not. I am frustrated.
I've lost 53 lbs which is only about 2/3 of the way to my original goal. But I am seriously wondering if I can EVER even reach my goal without the luxury of a full time opportunity to do so ala Biggest Loser. Which by the way, I am no longer heavy enough for. But I feel like a different kind of big loser in my failure to get anywhere near my goals.
I don't know what to do. Today I don't have the will or the drive to be "low-carb." And today my shoulder is still interfering with my exercise. I think I'm going to start walking again? My knees hurt to, I don't know what to do.
I think today is just a really bad day. This is why this blog is titled what it is - "The Fight to Lose," because it is without a doubt a FIGHT - and today it feels like a losing battle! (There it is, the title for this post...)
Monday, April 22, 2013
Days 18-21 Pressing on
I feel compelled to note that although yesterday was day 21 of this particular short term concerted weight loss effort, it is actually day 307 from the beginning of this whole process this time.
Saturday morning was a busy one, lots to do from first thing that day. I have reestablished my priority to be in God's Word every morning first thing, as well as trying to spend my first few moments of the day speaking to Him. So I did those most important things and when I actually got up and moving, it wasn't till I had eaten breakfast and was running out the door that I realized I forgot to weigh myself. That's unusual because I am typically so faithful about it. I remember being really surprised.
Saturday was a busy family celebration day and I had an important commitment in the evening. I wasn't even home until almost 10 o'clock, and I was tired. So all I had the energy or desire for was 10-15 minutes of yoga stretching. I was going to let it count, figuring I could get back to business on Sunday. But I didn't.
Sunday morning I forgot to weight myself AGAIN! I was so surprised how it just seemed to slip my mind. In a way, not obsessing about the scale is a good thing, and sort of a victory -- so long as I didn't gain any weight. But how could I know? But it was a busy day of church and errands, and I was tired. By evening time a last minute grocery store run was required and I never was able to work a workout in to my schedule. Truth be told, I am waiting to do anything with great exertion until my knee bands are delivered tomorrow, but a good walk would have been nice - it just got to be too late.
This is a good and bad place for me to be. Not obsessing about my weight and exercise is healthy, as long as I remain faithful. The days of not doing it have the potential to become weeks, months and full blown backslide into my old ways. That didn't happen, I was good with my eating, even at a big family celebration, but the potential is there.
I was relieved when I got on the scale this morning that things had moved in the right direction, but only. .2 pounds lower than they were last Thursday, that might be caused by a good burp. (wink) But it was almost a pound lower than Friday, so the bouncing rubber ball picture popped back in my head... Eventually the two steps forward will overpower all the single steps back, IJN. The important thing is I have been in the word and prayer daily... Glad I'm not cutting my carbs there and once again feasting on the Bread of Life. :)
Weight: 191.4 today.
Feeling: My shoulder and now my knee are a stumbling block, but they haven't stopped me yet. My shoulder is seriously a mystery, really good days, really rough days, but the pain moves about and manifests in so many different ways. Yesterday the "mechanism" of my shoulder and the joint felt great, but my upper arm ached really bad. Interestingly I have discovered that "resting" on the couch or even in my hubby's recliner causes great pain, so even though it is hindering my exercise in some ways, it hinders becoming a couch potato even more. I'm getting some knee straps in the mail tomorrow. I am hopeful it will help with the "loose" knee on my right side and protect the knee on my left from following suit.
Eating: I'm doing "OK." I move in and out of ketosis, I can tell, never really getting to the dark purple that I'd like to be in. I think it's why the loss is so slow, but I am moving toward the "lifestyle" of low carb, I suppose, it will all work out in the end. It was a family celebration weekend and I did good resisting. I took a couple nibbles of goodies and did great on entree. Yay me. Yesterday I overcame a hard core craving for some frozen yogurt covered in candy with a yummy low carb (my invention) alternative. SO I am pleased with that choice.
Moving: Friday night we were out late and I had to fit my exercise in just under the wire going on a long walk not long before midnight. Honestly it was the draw to a "prayer walk" that got me out there as much as it was keeping my commitment to exercise daily. Saturday all I did was a little stretching after a long busy day as I mentioned and Sunday was a "fail" on working out, but today hopefully will be back on the horse... or rather, moving on my own in front of him.
Thoughts: Having just over 25 pounds to go, about a third of my original weight loss goal, it is too early to consider this the home stretch, and I have to be careful not to settle for where I am (for a list of reasons) but I also have to continue to be realistic and make this all a part of my lifestyle (eating low carb and exercising regularly). So somewhere is the balance, I don't know where yet, obviously, but once again I determine to just press on. :)
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